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The Chile Pepper Chicks
By
D. M. Larson
Copyright © 2005
Cast of Characters
BILLY: Crazy fan of the Chile Pepper Chicks who wants to play with PEPPER’s guitar.
BOBBY: Brother of BILLY who wants to play with PEPPER.
PEPPER: Lead guitar of the Chile Pepper Chicks who faints when nervous
CHI-CHI: Lead singer of the Chile Pepper Chicks
DOLLY: Coordinator of the Country Western Star Competition who loves makeup and plastic surgery.
TIFFANY: Judge who falls for BILLY. Character can be male or female with one minor change in the script (marked with ****)
DORIAN: Flamboyant judge who hates everything
SCENE 1
(Lights come up on a stage set up with various boxes, etc, a nice guitar and a backdrop for a Country Star Competition. After a brief moment two crates or two very large instrument cases open and two guys, Billy and Bobby Van Dean appear)
BILLY
We did it, big brother. We made it on stage.
BOBBY
I told you this plan would work.
BILLY
I really gotta pee.
BOBBY
I told you to bring your own bottles along.
(Shows a Mountain Dew bottle)
BILLY
Where’s the pee hole?
BOBBY
Just go behind there.
(Points to backdrop)
BILLY
Okay.
(Runs behind backdrop)
BOBBY
I wonder where the girls are?
BILLY
(Off)
They’ve got to be close by.
BOBBY
You think they’ll be happy to see us?
BILLY
(Off)
Are you kidding? We’re their biggest fans.
BOBBY
I think somebody’s coming. I better hide. I wanna surprise them.
BILLY
(Off)
Don’t come back here. I’m going.
BOBBY
Still? What’s taking you so long?
BILLY
(Off)
I stop every time you talk or I talk.
BOBBY
So stop talking.
BILLY
(Off)
You gotta stop talking too.
BOBBY
It’s them.
(Starts to go back)
BILLY
(Off)
Get away!
BOBBY
(Off)
Don’t point that over here!
BILLY
Stop looking.
BOBBY
Shush up…. They’re coming.
(PEPPER and CHI-CHI enter)
CHI-CHI
I can’t believe you made us late again, Pepper.
PEPPER
I’m sorry Chi-Chi. I had to get my rhinestones polished.
(PEPPER gets out her guitar and sets it on a stand)
CHI-CHI
You need to stop worrying about your appearance and think more about the music.
PEPPER
My appearance is half of what makes us an attraction, Chi-chi.
CHI-CHI
Your appearance? What about mine?
PEPPER
Sorry, sis. But you kind of let yourself go.
CHI-CHI
What?
PEPPER
The only reason we keep you on is because of your singing.
CHI-CHI
We? We who?
PEPPER
We, me and the fans.
CHI-CHI
The fans adore me.
PEPPER
They adore me. They tolerate you.
CHI-CHI
That’s it. After this I’m going solo.
PEPPER
Good luck with that.
CHI-CHI
I can do it. I can.
PEPPER
You can’t even play an instrument. Or even write your own music. You’re lucky I can’t sing or I’d be going solo. Maybe I could just do like Britney Spears. The lipsinc thing is big now.
CHI-CHI
You’d never make it either. You’d be like a deer in a headlight.
PEPPER
I wouldn’t.
(Gets scared)
CHI-CHI
You’re terrified of being on stage. The only reason you survive is because all eyes are on me… the singer. You’re nothing without me either.
PEPPER
(Scared)
Man this place is big.
CHI-CHI
Oh, no. Don’t you…
PEPPER
How many people are gonna be here, Chi-Chi? Are they gonna have people here for the audition? Looks like a lot of people could be here.
CHI-CHI
Nobody’s here. Just us.
BILLY
(Off)
Ouch.
BOBBY
(Off)
Don’t pee on the wires you idiot.
CHI-CHI
Just us and a couple of stagehands.
PEPPER
(Starts breathing hard)
Are they gonna be watching?
CHI-CHI
No, no. They’re leaving.
PEPPER
I can’t do this, Chi-Chi.
(Breathing really hard)
CHI-CHI
Come on. You’ve played hundred of bars in front of hundreds of people.
PEPPER
But not all at once.
CHI-CHI
Calm down, Pepper. It’ll be okay.
PEPPER
Can’t… breathe…
CHI-CHI
Don’t do this, Pepper. You always do this when we get close… Please not now. This is our…
(PEPPER passes out into crate so only her boot are showing)
… big break.
(Looks at her)
Pepper?
(Gets angry)
Pepper!
(Looks at watch)
You know what? You want to go solo? Fine. You go solo. Have a nice audition.
(Stomps off stage)
BILLY
(Peaks out)
They gone?
BOBBY
I think so.
(They come out)
BILLY
Oh, man. Look at that guitar. Pepper’s guitar.
(Goes up to it)
You think I can touch it.
BOBBY
If I can touch her boots. Look. She left them over here.
BILLY
She makes such sweets sound with this baby.
(Picks up guitar and plays a little)
BOBBY
Hey! Pepper’s still in these boots.
BILLY
Say what?
BOBBY
She’s still in ‘em.
BILLY
Holy hickory. Is she dead? Chi-chi killed her.
(BOBBY pulls her out of crate and puts her on stool. He puts his head on her chest and listens)
BOBBY
No, she’s still breathing.
BILLY
Don’t you touch her ba-bas. You know what Mama said about that.
(Mimics their mama)
From now on, you only touch a girly’s ba-bas if she says you can.
BOBBY
Those Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are used to it. They hardly noticed.
BILLY
Is that why they rubbed your nose in the turf?
BOBBY
Look, she says it’s fine.
(He makes PEPPER nod)
BILLY
Will you stop? She’s too young for you anyway. She was still in diapers when you were learning to drive.
BOBBY
That don’t mean much coming from you. You were in diapers so long that Mama had to sneak into school at recess time to change you.
BILLY
So what do you think is wrong with her?
BOBBY
Don’t you remember? This happened the first time they tried to perform at the Sailfish Lounge. The place was packed and Pepper passed out.
BILLY
The place was packed and Pepper passed out. Hey, that’s like a tongue twister. The place was packed and Pepper passed out. The place was packed and Pepper passed out.
(BILLY and BOBBY hear voices and freeze)
DOLLY
(Off)
Hurry up will you?
TIFFANY
(Off)
You want the French Vanilla creamer or Irish Cream?
(BILLY and BOBBY rush around with PEPPER on rolling stool)
DOLLY
(Off)
Mocha! I always want Mocha!
TIFFANY
(Off)
They’re out of Mocha.
DOLLY
(Off)
You’re out of Mocha?
TIFFANY
(Off)
They…
DOLLY
(Off)
YOU’RE out of Mocha.
TIFFANY
(Off)
I’m sorry.
DOLLY
(Off)
“I’m sorry.” I don’t know why I keep you around.
(BILLY and BOBBY eventually roll PEPPER behind crate and peek over as DOLLY and TIFFANY enter with DORIAN in tow)
DORIAN
Oh, you two just stop. You promised me you’d all be on your best behavior.
DOLLY
I will for the cameras. Do you see any cameras?
DORIAN
No and what a shame. We’re just not getting nearly enough attention are we? We could have ourselves the next Shania Twain and no one is here to see it. Who’s the next group on the list, Tiffany?
TIFFANY
Some group called the Chile Pepper Chicks.
DOLLY
Where are they from?
TIFFANY
New Mexico.
DOLLY
New Mexico? I thought this was only for American groups.
DORIAN
New Mexico is one of the 50, Dolly.
DOLLY
So where are they? We haven’t got time to wait around. There are hundreds of groups here.
DORIAN
You offer a hundred thousand dollar prize and that will happen.
BILLY
Hundred.
BOBBY
Thousand.
BILLY
Dollars!
(Rolls out PEPPER)
Here we are.
(TIFFANY looks at clipboard and then PEPPER)
DORINA
I recognize that one from the picture.
DOLLY
Who are you guys?
BOBBY
Uh…
BILLY
We’re the band.
BOBBY
We are?
(BILLY kicks BOBBY)
We are!
(TIFFANY giggles)
DORIAN
Excuse me, but you’re not Chicks.
BILLY
Oh, you know. It’s one of them funny name things bands do. Like Twisted Sister. No crippled girls in that group.
BOBBY
Or the Bare Naked Ladies. I went to one of their concerts and there weren’t no naked ladies anywhere. I was very disappointed.
BILLY
That there is what you call irony.
BOBBY
Irony?
BILLY
It’s like rain on a summer day or a free ride but you’re going anyway.
BOBBY
Huh?
BILLY
Never mind.
DOLLY
What’s with her? She okay?
BOBBY
Sure, she’s fine.
BILLY
She’s meditating.
BOBBY
Yeah, getting herself mentally prepared.
DOLLY
I can see that she’s brains of the operation.
TIFFANY
So who’s this other gal in the picture?
BILLY
Oh… that’s Bobby here.
BOBBY
What? I mean… what a dress.
BILLY
Yeap, we were just playing around with the whole chick idea and though it would be funny if we all dressed up like girls.
TIFFANY
So where are you?
BILLY
That’s a good question.
BOBBY
Remember, you were upset because they didn’t have your favorite color, pink and you refused to wear orange. Orange is not his color.
DORIAN
I don’t think orange is anybody’s color.
DOLLY
(Looks at watch)
You know what? It’s my lunchtime. Can we do this audition after I grab myself something to eat?
BILLY
Sure!
BOBBY
Take your time.
BILLY
Bye.
(Makes PEPPER wave goodbye)
DORIAN
Let’s not do this place’s snack bar again. I feel like I’m going to feeding time at the trough.
TIFFANY
I’ll run and get us something.
DOLLY
Make it quick. I want to get this over with.
(DORIAN, DOLLY and TIFFANY exit)
BOBBY
Quick. Let’s get a picture with Pepper and git. You got the camera?
(BILLY gets camera from crate)
BILLY
I got it. Here we go. Now pose with Pepper.
(BOBBY arranges PEPPER)
BOBBY
How’s this?
(BILLY takes picture and looks at it)
BILLY
Dang, her eyes are closed.
BOBBY
Try again.
(BILLY takes another picture)
BILLY
Eyes closed again.
BOBBY
Wait.
(BOBBY holds open PEPPER’s eyes)
Take it.
BILLY
Got it! Let’s go.
(They prop up PEPPER and start to go. BOBBY stops)
BOBBY
You know what. We can’t leave poor Pepper like this.
BILLY
You know. We could stay and help her get that $100,000.
BOBBY
What are we gonna do?
BILLY
I can play guitar.
BOBBY
But I can’t sing.
BILLY
Doesn’t matter. Neither can Bono. Doesn’t stop him.
BOBBY
What’s one of their songs?
PEPPER
What’s going?
BOBBY
(Gets close)
Hey, there Pepper?
(PEPPER screams like crazy and then passes out again)
BILLY
Did she just pass out again?
BOBBY
I guess so.
(Sniffs him)
BILLY
You killed her with your breath. What did you eat?
BOBBY
I just had a few snacks.
BILLY
Like what? A skunk?
BOBBY
No…
(Pulls stuff from crate)
Just some sardines… onion rings… pork rinds…
(Takes out a Mountain Dew)
I can’t remember if this was a before or after Dew.
(Shrugs and drinks)
BILLY
Man, no wonder she passed out. Next time she wakes up… no talking to her.
CHI-CHI
Hey, Pepper. I wanted to say…
(Sees guys with PEPPER)
Who are you two?
BOBBY
She doesn’t recognize us.
BILLY
We’re like your biggest fans.
CHI-CHI
You are those guys that follow us around all the time. I knew I should have got that restraining order.
BILLY
Oh, you’re so funny. I love that about you.
CHI-CHI
Let go of my sister.
(Takes PEPPER away from BOBBY)
BOBBY
I didn’t do nothing to her. Not this time.
CHI-CHI
I’m getting security.
BILLY
No, wait, Chi-chi. We really want to see you win and without Pepper… see, I can play guitar.
BOBBY
No, you can’t.
BILLY
I can so. Watch.
(He pulls out a boom box from his crate he rode in)
BOBBY
That’s why I thought I was hearing music.
(BILLY hands boom box to BOBBY and has guitar)
BILLY
Ready. Push that button.
(BOBBY pushes button and guitar solo plays and BILLY does an air guitar routine. CHI-CHI stops the tape)
CHI-CHI
Boy, I’ll bet your were big in junior high.
BILLY
I was. Once a girl got so excited she leaped on stage and got her braces stuck on my shoe.
BOBBY
And I can sing.
BILLY
You can? I mean, he can.
CHI-CHI
I do need a guitar player.
BILLY
Now, you’re talking, sweetness. I’ll just hide this here boom box over here and they’ll never know.
(Puts boom box behind something)
CHI-CHI
What about Billy Bob here?
BOBBY
He’s Billy. I’m Bobby.
CHI-CHI
You think you can sing with me, huh? I am a world class singer and you think you can just come on sing along with me?
BOBBY
Sure. Why not.
CHI-CHI
You know the words to any of the songs? How about Free?
BOBBY
Oh, I love that song.
(BOBBY sings)
Yeah, I’m free. Free loading.
CHI-CHI
That ain’t right. It’s “Yeah, I’m free. Free to be golden.”
BOBBY
That’s what I sang, wasn’t it?
BILLY
Bobby has a bit of a hearing problem. When people sing, he hasn’t a clue what the words are but he can pick up the sound real nice.
BOBBY
No, I can get it. I can get it right. How about Beating for County? I know that one even better.
CHI-CHI
You sure you can be ready to audition for a national country star competition in 30 seconds?
BOBBY
Oh, sure. That’s what all the girls say. I’m good for about 30 seconds.
(DOLLY and TIFFANY return. DOLLY is stuffing her face)
DOLLY
You guys ready?
TIFFANY
Hey, that’s the other lady from the picture. I thought you said…
BILLY
Just a little band humor.
DORIAN
Well, it’s not funny. This is serious business here in Branson.
TIFFANY
I think you’re funny. Billy was it?
(BILLY nods and smiles at TIFFANY. DOLLY drags her to the side to a judges table with three chairs)
DOLLY
Just have them sing, will you?
DORIAN
Ready? Or do you have some more jokes for Tiffany?
BILLY
I’m ready.
BOBBY
Ready and willing.
CHI-CHI
Sure. Why not?
(BILLY grab some of the ladies’ hats and put them on himself and BOBBY as BOBBY props PEPPER up in a dolly)
BILLY
I’m Billy.
BOBBY
I’m Bobby.
CHI-CHI
I’m Chi-Chi.
BOBBY
(Does PEPPER’s voice as he holds her up)
And I’m Pepper.
BILLY, BOBBY, and CHI-CHI
We’re the Chile Pepper Chicks.
BILLY
And we call this country rock.
(BOBBY turns on boom box and BILLY does guitar intro. BOBBY moves PEPPER around on dolly and tries to dance with her. DOLLY gets cell phone call and wanders off stage)
CHI-CHI
Been around for long enough for me to hear
All kinds of noise that sounds out of gear
There’s rock, there’s rap and that hip hop crap
It all sounds the same that’s a matter of fact
(BILLY does guitar solo. TIFFANY is in love. BILLY notices and winks. TIFFANY about faints. BOBBY tosses PEPPER to CHI-CHI and sings)
BOBBY
So get me a horse or a 45
And play me something to keep me alive
Something with a beat that fills my heart
Not one that smells like old dog fart
(CHI-CHI tosses PEPPER at BOBBY)
CHI-CHI
Those ain’t the words, are you mad…
(BOBBY tosses PEPPER back)
BOBBY
At least I’m singing, I thought you’d be glad…
CHI-CHI
I hope there’s one thing on which we agree.
BOBBY
On this I think we both can see…
CHI-CHI, BILLY and BOBBY
I must keep my heart… beating for country.
Just keep my heart… beating for country.
(They take a bow with PEPPER who falls to the floor and TIFFANY claps happily and goes up to BILLY)
TIFFANY
Wow, that was the best guitar playing I’ve even seen.
BILLY
You think?
TIFFANY
Oh, yeah. The best. It got me all… worked up.
BILLY
Really?
TIFFANY
Really, really.
DORIAN
You have to kidding. I’ve seen better playing at a 6th grade band concert. And that singing. When’s the last time I heard something like that? Oh, yeah, when someone ran over my cat.
CHI-CHI
Who are you anyway? You sure you’re qualified to be judging a professional competition like this.
DORIAN
I happen to have been the producer of over a dozen platinum albums. The one you should be questioning is Tiffany here. If she weren’t such a suck up to Dolly she wouldn’t even be here.
BILLY
Well, she likes us, so she’s super qualified in my book.
TIFFANY
FYI, Dorian. I had one of the biggest hits ever.
DORIAN
Yes, when you were six years old.
TIFFANY
People loved me and loved my song. You all remember the song “On the good horse Lollipop.”
BILLY
That was your song. I loved that song when I was a kid. Did they do a cartoon of that song too?
TIFFANY
They did. They consider it a children’s classic. The 20th anniversary DVD is coming out soon.
BILLY
That’s on my must buy list for sure. Sing some of that song for me.
TIFFANY
“On the good horse Lollipop, it’s a sweet trip to the cowboy shop, where buffalo play in meadows most every day…”
(BILLY goes over to TIFFANY to flirt with her)
****CAN SKIP to CHI-CHI’s next line is TIFFANY is not played by a man****
DORIAN
(DORIAN does an aside to CHI-CHI and BOBBY)
She was a hit until it came out that she was a little boy her mommy dressed up as a girl
(BOBBY’s mouth drops open and looks at BILLY flirting with TIFFANY. BOBBY grabs BILLY)
BOBBY
Billy… we need to talk.
BILLY
Not now, Bobby. I’m busy.
(BILLY gives BOBBY a wet willy and goes back to TIFFANY)
*****
CHI-CHI
So we can assume we don’t have your vote.
DORIAN
I’d give you a negative vote if I could.
TIFFANY
Well, they’ve got my vote for sure.
BILLY
So where’s that leave us?
BOBBY
One vote fer and one agin.
TIFFANY
Dolly’s got the deciding vote.
CHI-CHI
She didn’t even hear us.
DORIAN
How could she not hear that noise? You make nails on a chalk board sound good.
(DOLLY reenters)
DOLLY
No, I will not auction my panties off on eBay and that’s final.
(Hangs up and looks at them)
You done already?
BOBBY
I don’t think Pepper’s up to another set.
TIFFANY
Maybe Billy could do another solo?
DOLLY
No, I don’t have time for that. Let’s just do it like usual. Where’s my Grand Ole Opry commemorative coin?
TIFFANY
I have it.
DOLLY
Flip it.
BOBBY
You can’t even flip your own coin?
DOLLY
These nails aren’t made for flipping.
(Shows her nails which are really done up and long)
BILLY
I haven’t seen claws like that since my last visit to the zoo.
(BOBBY snickers)
DOLLY
Well, maybe I can do some flipping just this once.
(Gives BILLY the finger as TIFFANY flips the coin)
TIFFANY
They got a Willy!
BOBBY
You hear that, Billy? Chi-chi’s got a Willy.
CHI-CHI
So what does that mean?
TIFFANY
You got the Willy Nelson side. You’re in the finals!
(CHI-CHI cheers)
BOBBY
Who’s on the back?
TIFFANY
Kid Rock.
BILLY
Kid Rock?
DOLLY
Kid Rock. I can’t believe he was nominated him for a Country Music Award and allowed to stand on the stage of the Opry. I still get weepy thinking about it.
DORIAN
Please don’t cry. Your makeup runs something awful when you do.
DOLLY
At least he could have changed his name to Kid Country.
DORIAN
Let it go, girl.
(DOLLY EXITS trying not to cry. DORIAN follows)
BILLY
So we’re in the finals?
TIFFANY
You’re in the finals.
(BILLY hugs TIFFANY who blushes. BOBBY hugs PEPPER)
BOBBY
You hear that Pepper? We’re going to be stars.
(BOBBY turns to hug CHI-CHI and PEPPER falls with a thud)
CHI-CHI
You think maybe we should get her to a doctor?
BOBBY
Maybe.
(They take PEPPER off as lights fade to black)
BOBBY
Maybe we could do song about this. “She loves me when she’s asleep.” Or maybe… “My girl’s in a coma… back in Oklahoma.”
END of PLAY
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Sincerely,
D. M. Larson