free solo stage play script monologue


The Chile Pepper Chicks

By

D. M. Larson


Copyright © 2005




Cast of Characters

BILLY: Crazy fan of the Chile Pepper Chicks who wants to play with PEPPER’s guitar.

BOBBY: Brother of BILLY who wants to play with PEPPER.

PEPPER: Lead guitar of the Chile Pepper Chicks who faints when nervous

CHI-CHI: Lead singer of the Chile Pepper Chicks

DOLLY: Coordinator of the Country Western Star Competition who loves makeup and plastic surgery.

TIFFANY: Judge who falls for BILLY. Character can be male or female with one minor change in the script (marked with ****)

DORIAN: Flamboyant judge who hates everything



SCENE 1


(Lights come up on a stage set up with various boxes, etc, a nice guitar and a backdrop for a Country Star Competition. After a brief moment two crates or two very large instrument cases open and two guys, Billy and Bobby Van Dean appear)


BILLY

We did it, big brother. We made it on stage.


BOBBY

I told you this plan would work.


BILLY

I really gotta pee.


BOBBY

I told you to bring your own bottles along.

(Shows a Mountain Dew bottle)


BILLY

Where’s the pee hole?


BOBBY

Just go behind there.

(Points to backdrop)


BILLY

Okay.

(Runs behind backdrop)


BOBBY

I wonder where the girls are?


BILLY

(Off)

They’ve got to be close by.


BOBBY

You think they’ll be happy to see us?


BILLY

(Off)

Are you kidding? We’re their biggest fans.


BOBBY

I think somebody’s coming. I better hide. I wanna surprise them.


BILLY

(Off)

Don’t come back here. I’m going.


BOBBY

Still? What’s taking you so long?


BILLY

(Off)

I stop every time you talk or I talk.


BOBBY

So stop talking.


BILLY

(Off)

You gotta stop talking too.


BOBBY

It’s them.

(Starts to go back)


BILLY

(Off)

Get away!


BOBBY

(Off)

Don’t point that over here!


BILLY

Stop looking.


BOBBY

Shush up…. They’re coming.


(PEPPER and CHI-CHI enter)


CHI-CHI

I can’t believe you made us late again, Pepper.


PEPPER

I’m sorry Chi-Chi. I had to get my rhinestones polished.

(PEPPER gets out her guitar and sets it on a stand)


CHI-CHI

You need to stop worrying about your appearance and think more about the music.


PEPPER

My appearance is half of what makes us an attraction, Chi-chi.


CHI-CHI

Your appearance? What about mine?


PEPPER

Sorry, sis. But you kind of let yourself go.


CHI-CHI

What?


PEPPER

The only reason we keep you on is because of your singing.


CHI-CHI

We? We who?


PEPPER

We, me and the fans.


CHI-CHI

The fans adore me.


PEPPER

They adore me. They tolerate you.


CHI-CHI

That’s it. After this I’m going solo.


PEPPER

Good luck with that.


CHI-CHI

I can do it. I can.


PEPPER

You can’t even play an instrument. Or even write your own music. You’re lucky I can’t sing or I’d be going solo. Maybe I could just do like Britney Spears. The lipsinc thing is big now.


CHI-CHI

You’d never make it either. You’d be like a deer in a headlight.


PEPPER

I wouldn’t.

(Gets scared)

CHI-CHI

You’re terrified of being on stage. The only reason you survive is because all eyes are on me… the singer. You’re nothing without me either.


PEPPER

(Scared)

Man this place is big.


CHI-CHI

Oh, no. Don’t you…


PEPPER

How many people are gonna be here, Chi-Chi? Are they gonna have people here for the audition? Looks like a lot of people could be here.


CHI-CHI

Nobody’s here. Just us.


BILLY

(Off)

Ouch.


BOBBY

(Off)

Don’t pee on the wires you idiot.


CHI-CHI

Just us and a couple of stagehands.


PEPPER

(Starts breathing hard)

Are they gonna be watching?


CHI-CHI

No, no. They’re leaving.


PEPPER

I can’t do this, Chi-Chi.

(Breathing really hard)


CHI-CHI

Come on. You’ve played hundred of bars in front of hundreds of people.


PEPPER

But not all at once.


CHI-CHI

Calm down, Pepper. It’ll be okay.


PEPPER

Can’t… breathe…


CHI-CHI

Don’t do this, Pepper. You always do this when we get close… Please not now. This is our…

(PEPPER passes out into crate so only her boot are showing)

… big break.

(Looks at her)

Pepper?

(Gets angry)

Pepper!

(Looks at watch)

You know what? You want to go solo? Fine. You go solo. Have a nice audition.

(Stomps off stage)


BILLY

(Peaks out)

They gone?


BOBBY

I think so.

(They come out)


BILLY

Oh, man. Look at that guitar. Pepper’s guitar.

(Goes up to it)

You think I can touch it.


BOBBY

If I can touch her boots. Look. She left them over here.


BILLY

She makes such sweets sound with this baby.

(Picks up guitar and plays a little)


BOBBY

Hey! Pepper’s still in these boots.


BILLY

Say what?


BOBBY

She’s still in ‘em.


BILLY

Holy hickory. Is she dead? Chi-chi killed her.

(BOBBY pulls her out of crate and puts her on stool. He puts his head on her chest and listens)


BOBBY

No, she’s still breathing.


BILLY

Don’t you touch her ba-bas. You know what Mama said about that.

(Mimics their mama)

From now on, you only touch a girly’s ba-bas if she says you can.


BOBBY

Those Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are used to it. They hardly noticed.


BILLY

Is that why they rubbed your nose in the turf?


BOBBY

Look, she says it’s fine.

(He makes PEPPER nod)


BILLY

Will you stop? She’s too young for you anyway. She was still in diapers when you were learning to drive.


BOBBY

That don’t mean much coming from you. You were in diapers so long that Mama had to sneak into school at recess time to change you.


BILLY

So what do you think is wrong with her?


BOBBY

Don’t you remember? This happened the first time they tried to perform at the Sailfish Lounge. The place was packed and Pepper passed out.


BILLY

The place was packed and Pepper passed out. Hey, that’s like a tongue twister. The place was packed and Pepper passed out. The place was packed and Pepper passed out.








(BILLY and BOBBY hear voices and freeze)


DOLLY

(Off)

Hurry up will you?


TIFFANY

(Off)

You want the French Vanilla creamer or Irish Cream?


(BILLY and BOBBY rush around with PEPPER on rolling stool)


DOLLY

(Off)

Mocha! I always want Mocha!


TIFFANY

(Off)

They’re out of Mocha.


DOLLY

(Off)

You’re out of Mocha?


TIFFANY

(Off)

They…


DOLLY

(Off)

YOU’RE out of Mocha.


TIFFANY

(Off)

I’m sorry.


DOLLY

(Off)

“I’m sorry.” I don’t know why I keep you around.


(BILLY and BOBBY eventually roll PEPPER behind crate and peek over as DOLLY and TIFFANY enter with DORIAN in tow)


DORIAN

Oh, you two just stop. You promised me you’d all be on your best behavior.


DOLLY

I will for the cameras. Do you see any cameras?


DORIAN

No and what a shame. We’re just not getting nearly enough attention are we? We could have ourselves the next Shania Twain and no one is here to see it. Who’s the next group on the list, Tiffany?


TIFFANY

Some group called the Chile Pepper Chicks.


DOLLY

Where are they from?


TIFFANY

New Mexico.


DOLLY

New Mexico? I thought this was only for American groups.


DORIAN

New Mexico is one of the 50, Dolly.


DOLLY

So where are they? We haven’t got time to wait around. There are hundreds of groups here.


DORIAN

You offer a hundred thousand dollar prize and that will happen.


BILLY

Hundred.


BOBBY

Thousand.


BILLY

Dollars!

(Rolls out PEPPER)

Here we are.


(TIFFANY looks at clipboard and then PEPPER)


DORINA

I recognize that one from the picture.


DOLLY

Who are you guys?


BOBBY

Uh…


BILLY

We’re the band.


BOBBY

We are?

(BILLY kicks BOBBY)

We are!


(TIFFANY giggles)


DORIAN

Excuse me, but you’re not Chicks.


BILLY

Oh, you know. It’s one of them funny name things bands do. Like Twisted Sister. No crippled girls in that group.


BOBBY

Or the Bare Naked Ladies. I went to one of their concerts and there weren’t no naked ladies anywhere. I was very disappointed.


BILLY

That there is what you call irony.


BOBBY

Irony?


BILLY

It’s like rain on a summer day or a free ride but you’re going anyway.


BOBBY

Huh?


BILLY

Never mind.


DOLLY

What’s with her? She okay?


BOBBY

Sure, she’s fine.


BILLY

She’s meditating.


BOBBY

Yeah, getting herself mentally prepared.


DOLLY

I can see that she’s brains of the operation.


TIFFANY

So who’s this other gal in the picture?


BILLY

Oh… that’s Bobby here.


BOBBY

What? I mean… what a dress.


BILLY

Yeap, we were just playing around with the whole chick idea and though it would be funny if we all dressed up like girls.


TIFFANY

So where are you?


BILLY

That’s a good question.


BOBBY

Remember, you were upset because they didn’t have your favorite color, pink and you refused to wear orange. Orange is not his color.


DORIAN

I don’t think orange is anybody’s color.


DOLLY

(Looks at watch)

You know what? It’s my lunchtime. Can we do this audition after I grab myself something to eat?


BILLY

Sure!


BOBBY

Take your time.


BILLY

Bye.

(Makes PEPPER wave goodbye)


DORIAN

Let’s not do this place’s snack bar again. I feel like I’m going to feeding time at the trough.


TIFFANY

I’ll run and get us something.


DOLLY

Make it quick. I want to get this over with.

(DORIAN, DOLLY and TIFFANY exit)


BOBBY

Quick. Let’s get a picture with Pepper and git. You got the camera?

(BILLY gets camera from crate)


BILLY

I got it. Here we go. Now pose with Pepper.


(BOBBY arranges PEPPER)


BOBBY

How’s this?

(BILLY takes picture and looks at it)


BILLY

Dang, her eyes are closed.


BOBBY

Try again.


(BILLY takes another picture)


BILLY

Eyes closed again.


BOBBY

Wait.

(BOBBY holds open PEPPER’s eyes)

Take it.


BILLY

Got it! Let’s go.


(They prop up PEPPER and start to go. BOBBY stops)


BOBBY

You know what. We can’t leave poor Pepper like this.


BILLY

You know. We could stay and help her get that $100,000.


BOBBY

What are we gonna do?


BILLY

I can play guitar.


BOBBY

But I can’t sing.


BILLY

Doesn’t matter. Neither can Bono. Doesn’t stop him.


BOBBY

What’s one of their songs?


PEPPER

What’s going?


BOBBY

(Gets close)

Hey, there Pepper?

(PEPPER screams like crazy and then passes out again)


BILLY

Did she just pass out again?


BOBBY

I guess so.


(Sniffs him)

BILLY

You killed her with your breath. What did you eat?


BOBBY

I just had a few snacks.


BILLY

Like what? A skunk?


BOBBY

No…

(Pulls stuff from crate)

Just some sardines… onion rings… pork rinds…

(Takes out a Mountain Dew)

I can’t remember if this was a before or after Dew.

(Shrugs and drinks)


BILLY

Man, no wonder she passed out. Next time she wakes up… no talking to her.


CHI-CHI

Hey, Pepper. I wanted to say…

(Sees guys with PEPPER)

Who are you two?


BOBBY

She doesn’t recognize us.


BILLY

We’re like your biggest fans.


CHI-CHI

You are those guys that follow us around all the time. I knew I should have got that restraining order.


BILLY

Oh, you’re so funny. I love that about you.


CHI-CHI

Let go of my sister.

(Takes PEPPER away from BOBBY)


BOBBY

I didn’t do nothing to her. Not this time.


CHI-CHI

I’m getting security.


BILLY

No, wait, Chi-chi. We really want to see you win and without Pepper… see, I can play guitar.


BOBBY

No, you can’t.


BILLY

I can so. Watch.

(He pulls out a boom box from his crate he rode in)


BOBBY

That’s why I thought I was hearing music.


(BILLY hands boom box to BOBBY and has guitar)


BILLY

Ready. Push that button.


(BOBBY pushes button and guitar solo plays and BILLY does an air guitar routine. CHI-CHI stops the tape)


CHI-CHI

Boy, I’ll bet your were big in junior high.


BILLY

I was. Once a girl got so excited she leaped on stage and got her braces stuck on my shoe.


BOBBY

And I can sing.


BILLY

You can? I mean, he can.


CHI-CHI

I do need a guitar player.


BILLY

Now, you’re talking, sweetness. I’ll just hide this here boom box over here and they’ll never know.


(Puts boom box behind something)


CHI-CHI

What about Billy Bob here?


BOBBY

He’s Billy. I’m Bobby.


CHI-CHI

You think you can sing with me, huh? I am a world class singer and you think you can just come on sing along with me?


BOBBY

Sure. Why not.


CHI-CHI

You know the words to any of the songs? How about Free?


BOBBY

Oh, I love that song.

(BOBBY sings)

Yeah, I’m free. Free loading.


CHI-CHI

That ain’t right. It’s “Yeah, I’m free. Free to be golden.”


BOBBY

That’s what I sang, wasn’t it?


BILLY

Bobby has a bit of a hearing problem. When people sing, he hasn’t a clue what the words are but he can pick up the sound real nice.


BOBBY

No, I can get it. I can get it right. How about Beating for County? I know that one even better.


CHI-CHI

You sure you can be ready to audition for a national country star competition in 30 seconds?


BOBBY

Oh, sure. That’s what all the girls say. I’m good for about 30 seconds.


(DOLLY and TIFFANY return. DOLLY is stuffing her face)


DOLLY

You guys ready?


TIFFANY

Hey, that’s the other lady from the picture. I thought you said…


BILLY

Just a little band humor.


DORIAN

Well, it’s not funny. This is serious business here in Branson.


TIFFANY

I think you’re funny. Billy was it?

(BILLY nods and smiles at TIFFANY. DOLLY drags her to the side to a judges table with three chairs)


DOLLY

Just have them sing, will you?


DORIAN

Ready? Or do you have some more jokes for Tiffany?


BILLY

I’m ready.


BOBBY

Ready and willing.


CHI-CHI

Sure. Why not?


(BILLY grab some of the ladies’ hats and put them on himself and BOBBY as BOBBY props PEPPER up in a dolly)


BILLY

I’m Billy.


BOBBY

I’m Bobby.


CHI-CHI

I’m Chi-Chi.


BOBBY

(Does PEPPER’s voice as he holds her up)

And I’m Pepper.


BILLY, BOBBY, and CHI-CHI

We’re the Chile Pepper Chicks.


BILLY

And we call this country rock.

(BOBBY turns on boom box and BILLY does guitar intro. BOBBY moves PEPPER around on dolly and tries to dance with her. DOLLY gets cell phone call and wanders off stage)


CHI-CHI

Been around for long enough for me to hear

All kinds of noise that sounds out of gear

There’s rock, there’s rap and that hip hop crap

It all sounds the same that’s a matter of fact


(BILLY does guitar solo. TIFFANY is in love. BILLY notices and winks. TIFFANY about faints. BOBBY tosses PEPPER to CHI-CHI and sings)


BOBBY

So get me a horse or a 45

And play me something to keep me alive

Something with a beat that fills my heart

Not one that smells like old dog fart


(CHI-CHI tosses PEPPER at BOBBY)


CHI-CHI

Those ain’t the words, are you mad…


(BOBBY tosses PEPPER back)


BOBBY

At least I’m singing, I thought you’d be glad…


CHI-CHI

I hope there’s one thing on which we agree.


BOBBY

On this I think we both can see…


CHI-CHI, BILLY and BOBBY

I must keep my heart… beating for country.

Just keep my heart… beating for country.


(They take a bow with PEPPER who falls to the floor and TIFFANY claps happily and goes up to BILLY)


TIFFANY

Wow, that was the best guitar playing I’ve even seen.


BILLY

You think?


TIFFANY

Oh, yeah. The best. It got me all… worked up.


BILLY

Really?


TIFFANY

Really, really.


DORIAN

You have to kidding. I’ve seen better playing at a 6th grade band concert. And that singing. When’s the last time I heard something like that? Oh, yeah, when someone ran over my cat.


CHI-CHI

Who are you anyway? You sure you’re qualified to be judging a professional competition like this.


DORIAN

I happen to have been the producer of over a dozen platinum albums. The one you should be questioning is Tiffany here. If she weren’t such a suck up to Dolly she wouldn’t even be here.


BILLY

Well, she likes us, so she’s super qualified in my book.


TIFFANY

FYI, Dorian. I had one of the biggest hits ever.


DORIAN

Yes, when you were six years old.


TIFFANY

People loved me and loved my song. You all remember the song “On the good horse Lollipop.”


BILLY

That was your song. I loved that song when I was a kid. Did they do a cartoon of that song too?


TIFFANY

They did. They consider it a children’s classic. The 20th anniversary DVD is coming out soon.


BILLY

That’s on my must buy list for sure. Sing some of that song for me.


TIFFANY

“On the good horse Lollipop, it’s a sweet trip to the cowboy shop, where buffalo play in meadows most every day…”


(BILLY goes over to TIFFANY to flirt with her)


****CAN SKIP to CHI-CHI’s next line is TIFFANY is not played by a man****


DORIAN

(DORIAN does an aside to CHI-CHI and BOBBY)

She was a hit until it came out that she was a little boy her mommy dressed up as a girl


(BOBBY’s mouth drops open and looks at BILLY flirting with TIFFANY. BOBBY grabs BILLY)


BOBBY

Billy… we need to talk.


BILLY

Not now, Bobby. I’m busy.


(BILLY gives BOBBY a wet willy and goes back to TIFFANY)


*****


CHI-CHI

So we can assume we don’t have your vote.


DORIAN

I’d give you a negative vote if I could.


TIFFANY

Well, they’ve got my vote for sure.


BILLY

So where’s that leave us?


BOBBY

One vote fer and one agin.


TIFFANY

Dolly’s got the deciding vote.


CHI-CHI

She didn’t even hear us.


DORIAN

How could she not hear that noise? You make nails on a chalk board sound good.


(DOLLY reenters)


DOLLY

No, I will not auction my panties off on eBay and that’s final.

(Hangs up and looks at them)

You done already?


BOBBY

I don’t think Pepper’s up to another set.


TIFFANY

Maybe Billy could do another solo?


DOLLY

No, I don’t have time for that. Let’s just do it like usual. Where’s my Grand Ole Opry commemorative coin?


TIFFANY

I have it.


DOLLY

Flip it.


BOBBY

You can’t even flip your own coin?


DOLLY

These nails aren’t made for flipping.

(Shows her nails which are really done up and long)


BILLY

I haven’t seen claws like that since my last visit to the zoo.

(BOBBY snickers)


DOLLY

Well, maybe I can do some flipping just this once.

(Gives BILLY the finger as TIFFANY flips the coin)


TIFFANY

They got a Willy!


BOBBY

You hear that, Billy? Chi-chi’s got a Willy.


CHI-CHI

So what does that mean?


TIFFANY

You got the Willy Nelson side. You’re in the finals!


(CHI-CHI cheers)


BOBBY

Who’s on the back?


TIFFANY

Kid Rock.


BILLY

Kid Rock?


DOLLY

Kid Rock. I can’t believe he was nominated him for a Country Music Award and allowed to stand on the stage of the Opry. I still get weepy thinking about it.


DORIAN

Please don’t cry. Your makeup runs something awful when you do.


DOLLY

At least he could have changed his name to Kid Country.


DORIAN

Let it go, girl.


(DOLLY EXITS trying not to cry. DORIAN follows)


BILLY

So we’re in the finals?


TIFFANY

You’re in the finals.


(BILLY hugs TIFFANY who blushes. BOBBY hugs PEPPER)


BOBBY

You hear that Pepper? We’re going to be stars.


(BOBBY turns to hug CHI-CHI and PEPPER falls with a thud)


CHI-CHI

You think maybe we should get her to a doctor?


BOBBY

Maybe.


(They take PEPPER off as lights fade to black)


BOBBY

Maybe we could do song about this. “She loves me when she’s asleep.” Or maybe… “My girl’s in a coma… back in Oklahoma.”




END of PLAY


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