The Outlaws of Candy Kitchen

OR

Bonney the Kid Rides Again

 

 

 

 

Time

New Mexico during the Prohibition Era

Place


Secret Anti-Prohibition Candy Factory at Candy Kitchen Ranch

Cast of Characters

BONNEY: Candy Kitchen manager Bonney H. Williams.

JOHN: Drunk patron who is actually John Miller, Texas Ranger.

FLO and BERTHA: Patrons and friends of BONNEY.

ALLY: Ally Capone is the owner of Candy Kitchen who makes life difficult for BONNEY.

REPORTER: Meets the old John Miller

JO: Arm wrestler

SALLY: JoÔøΩs friend

PEGGY and POLLY: Looking for candy

SHERI: SheriffÔøΩs daughter who is trying to keep the peace in town while her daddy is away.

CITIZEN 1 and 2: SheriÔøΩs posse

CHARLIE: Quiet piano player.

 

History of the Play

 

Parts of the play are based on historical facts.   There was a Candy Kitchen Ranch near Pine Hill, New Mexico.  The name of the Ranch came from the pinon candy that was made there.   In reality, the candy making operation was a cover for the ÔøΩhoochÔøΩ being made in the back and the candy was a cover for all the sugar being brought in for making the alcohol.    Another historical fact is that long time resident of the Candy Kitchen area was John Miller who claimed to be Billy the Kid.   John MillerÔøΩs story was very convincing and led many people to believe that Billy the Kid didnÔøΩt die young after all.    Thanks to the research of Doug Bocaz-LarsonÔøΩs NMSU-Grants History 269 classes and the efforts of his Theater 115 class, this play became a reality.

Note

The play can be done as a melodrama or a light-hearted comedy. The audience
can be encouraged to "boo" at Ally Capone, "sigh" for Bonney, and cheer for
"John." When they hear the secret knock, everyone can yell, "It's the secret
knock!" Basically this play is meant for theatre groups who wish to ham it up and
have a little fun.    

IMPROV INTRO

As a warm up with the audience, do a mini-melodrama.  Have audience members volunteer to come up on stage and pretend to be a damsel in distress, a villain and a hero.  The rest of the audience practices cheering for the hero, booing at the villain and saying ÔøΩahhÔøΩ for the damsel in distress.  You can even have them act out a super short melodrama.

Before the play begins, each of the major characters can introduce themselves.   JOHN, FLO, BERTHA, BONNEY, and ALLY

PROLOGUE

(JOHN is in grey hair and has a cane.  REPORTER approaches)

JOHN:  So youÔøΩve caught me.   I thought for sure I was safe here in Candy Kitchen.   Lucky for you IÔøΩm an old man or youÔøΩd be dead where you stand.    (Has to be sit)   CanÔøΩt even pull the trigger, my old hands crippled by arthritis.

REPORTER:  IÔøΩm not the law, Mr. Miller.  IÔøΩm a reporter.

JOHN:  A reporter?

REPORTER:  IÔøΩve been searching for you everywhere.   I wanted to interview John Miller, the real Billy the Kid.

JOHN:  Billy the Kid?   So youÔøΩve heard that IÔøΩm Billy the Kid.   Hate to disappoint you, but IÔøΩm not the Kid.   Everyone thinks that because I was in many of the same places and showed up with a bullet wound after his supposed death, but I ainÔøΩt him.   (REPORTER looks disappointed and starts to go)    But I did know the Kid.   (REPORTER stops and returns)  You want me tell you about the Kid?  (REPORTER nods)   Most people say The Kid died but she survived and I helped save her.   See, we set up old Pat Garret.  He thought he had the Kid but she worked up a plan to fool him.   Pat thought he had The Kid cornered in my ladyÔøΩs house but she hid The Kid and I took the bullet for her.

REPORTER:  Wait, you keep saying her.   Was Billy the Kid a woman?

JOHN:  That she was.   See, thatÔøΩs how she got the name The Kid.   Many woman became cowboys and even outlaws in the old west.   And when they dressed like men, they often appeared boy-like because they were clean shaven and didnÔøΩt have rough skin.   BonneyÔøΩs ma asked me to watch out for her when she died and I have done that.   Even through her toughest timesÔøΩ And one of those times was right here in Candy Kitchen.  

 

(MUSIC starts and Lights fade)

 

SCENE 1

(Lights come up and various people are gathered in a club talking, drinking, and enjoying themselves. Everyone is dressed casually in western or 20's type clothes except for BONNEY who wears a nice outfit that stands out. PIANO PLAYER plays some intro music and then the center of attention is on JO and FLO who are arm wrestling.  BERTHA tells AUDIENCE - this side for JO and this side for FLO)

JO: (Straining) You give up yet?

FLO: (Relaxed) What's the matter, Jo? Tired?

JO: No way.

BERTHA: Any more bets? Flo's looking tired.
(FLO starts to weaken)

JO: I've got you now.

BERTHA: (Collects money from someone)  Twenty more dollars on Jo to win!

FLO: How much we got, Bertha?

BERTHA: That makes two hundred dollars for the winner.

FLO: (Slams down JOÔøΩs arm) That's enough.

BERTHA: (Kisses money) Come to mommy!

JO: You cheated us!

SALLY: That ain't fair. We want our money back.

BERTHA: A bet's a bet.

JO: (Pulls a gun) And a gun's a gun.

AUDIENCE thing here?   ÔøΩLook out!ÔøΩ (whenever they see a gun)

BONNEY: (Hits JO over the head. He falls) 

You know the rules.

(Picks up gun like it's a dirty diaper)

No guns.

 

SALLY: (Slaps his face) Jo? Jo? Speak to me.


 

BONNEY:  Get that loser out of here.  (FLO and SALLY drag JO out or others in the ranch help)

FLO:  Consider this one lost.

BONNEY:  WeÔøΩre so sick of seeing guns.   AinÔøΩt we John?

JOHN: (Raises head off table) YeapÔøΩ (and passes out again) 

BERTHA:  John?  Is that John Miller?  IsnÔøΩt heÔøΩ

BONNEY:  Shhh, he doesnÔøΩt like to people to know?  (Goes to bar)

FLO:  (Pulls BERTHA aside)  Know what?

BERTHA:  That John Miller used to beÔøΩ (BONNEY shushes her)

FLO:  Used to be who?

BERTHA:  No, Bonney made me promise not to tell.

FLO gets audience to helpÔøΩ AUDIENCE – ÔøΩTell usÔøΩ!ÔøΩ

BERTHA:  No, I canÔøΩt.

FLO gets audience to helpÔøΩ AUDIENCE – ÔøΩTell usÔøΩ!ÔøΩ

BERTHA:  Okay, okay.   John Miller isÔøΩ Billy the Kid.

FLO:  Billy the Kid.   THE Billy the Kid.   I thought he was dead.

BERTHA:  Nope, heÔøΩs alive and hiding out right here at the Candy Kitchen Ranch.

FLO:  I thought for sure heÔøΩd beÔøΩ moreÔøΩ alert. 

BERTHA:  I guess he took the death of his old self to heart.  HeÔøΩs sure come a long way from his days as a Regulator.

FLO:  The Regulators?   They go around handing out prunes to keep everyone regular?

BERTHA:  Nope.   They were one of the toughest posses in the west.   But the law didnÔøΩt approve of their methods.   ThatÔøΩs when Billy turned outlaw. 

 

FLO:  I heard he killed 100 men.

 

BERTHA:  He never hurt anybody who didnÔøΩt deserve it.   He believes in right and wrong.   He wants justice like any law man.   But he believes in swift justice.   The law moves a little too slow for him.

 

FLO:  Looks like heÔøΩs slowed down a bit himself.

 

BERTHA:  HeÔøΩs just enjoyed a bit of BonneyÔøΩs candy.

 

FLO: A bit?  Looks like he's had a whole bunch today.


 

BERTHA: Actually, he has too much everyday.


 

FLO: What do we do with him?

BERTHA: Throw a blanket over him and call him a chair.

(FLO shrugs and tosses a blanket over him)

 

(There's a knock at the door: shave and a haircut.  Everyone freezes)

 

FLO gets AUDIENCE to call:  the secret knock!

BONNEY: It's the secret knock. Open the door.
(BERTHA opens the door and kids PEGGY and POLLY walk in)

BERTHA: Who are you?

(Everyone looks curiously at POLLY and PEGGY)

 

PEGGY: IÔøΩm Peggy.

 

POLLY:  IÔøΩm Polly.

 

BONNEY: How can I help you?

PEGGY: The sign outside said, "Pinon Candy."  Can we buy some?

BONNEY: Well, not exactly.

POLLY: You closed?

BONNEY: Well.... sort of.

PEGGY: Sort of?

BONNEY: Ummm...

POLLY:  WhatÔøΩs everybody drinking?  (Goes to drink from JOHNÔøΩs cup)

BONNEY: (Grabs cup from POLLY)  Uh...

PEGGY: You selling hooch?

BONNEY:  Please, kids.  YouÔøΩve got to go.

POLLY:  As young loyal citizens of this wonderful nation, it is our duty to tell the local authorities...

(JOHN pulls out gun)


That we didn't see a thing.

BERTHA: Good choice.

JOHN:  Yeap.  (passes out again)

PEGGY: Can I ask one thing?

BONNEY: Shoot.   (JOHN sits up)

PEGGY: Uh...

BONNEY: Sorry. Bad choice of words.  (Waves JOHN off)

PEGGY:   I see you around town.  You seem like such a nice lady.   Why is such a good person like you running a bad place like this?

BONNEY: It's a long story. It all starts will my poor old grandmother...

AUDIENCE:  AhhhÔøΩ

POLLY: She's ill?

BONNEY: No, she's dead. And she left me my poor, sick grandpappy here to care for...

AUDIENCE:  AhhhÔøΩ.

POLLY: Alone? Without any help?

BONNEY: My mother helped for a time. But then they both got sick and died and left my father to care for all us kids.

AUDIENCE:  AhhhÔøΩ.

POLLY: So you're helping your father?


 

BONNEY: Well, he died too.


 

AUDIENCE:  AhhhhÔøΩ.

 

PEGGY: I'm so sorry.

BONNEY: (Now she's in tears) And now I'm left alone to care for my poor brothers and sisters. All twenty-seven of themÔøΩ

POLLY: Twenty-seven!

BONNEY: Some are adopted.

PEGGY: Of course.

BONNEY: (Sobbing) There's Ricky and Jimmy and Sandy and...

POLLY: Okay, well we must be running.


 

BONNEY: (Still crying) And Cindy and Timmy and Billy...

POLLY: Perhaps you can introduce us some time. Gotta go. Bye.
(Exits quickly)

FLO: You okay, Bonney?

BONNEY: (Sobs) Are they gone yet?

FLO: Yeah.

BONNEY: (Stops crying) Then I'm fine.

FLO: Do you really have twenty-seven brothers and sisters?

BONNEY: Give or take a few.  IÔøΩve lost count.  It's so hard to keep track of them. If only I didn't have to work all the time.

(Knock at door: shave and a haircut) 

 

AUDIENCE: ItÔøΩs the secret knock.

BERTHA: ItÔøΩs the secret knock.  I'll get it.

KID: You got pinon candy?
(BERTHA shuts door on kid)

BERTHA: You've got to change that password.

FLO: So what's on the schedule tonight?

BERTHA: Yeah, we want some entertainment.

BONNEY: I was hoping you wouldn't ask.

FLO: Where's the band?

BERTHA: Where's the singer?

AUDIENCE:  Music, music

BONNEY: Quiet! I have something special planned tonight.

JOHN: Drinks on the house?

BERTHA: Yeap, they're up on the roof, John.

JOHN: Boy, howdy! (Runs out)


BERTHA: He'd jump off a bridge if I told him.

 

FLO:  As long as there was a drink at the bottom.

BONNEY:  YouÔøΩre all in for a special treat.   CharlieÔøΩs learned a new song.  (To piano player)   Hit it Charlie.   (Charlie plays something very similar to what heÔøΩs been playing)

BERTHA: That sounds exactly the same to me.

BONNEY:  Charlie assured me an extra note.   (Extra note heard by itself)   Ah, there it is.   (JOHN returns looking confused)

BERTHA:  I want some real entertainment.

 

JOHN:  Well, if you insist.


 

FLO: This should be good.

JOHN: For your information, I was a talented actor in my day. Did some real serious theatre at one time.

BONNEY: Bet you really knocked 'em dead.


 

BERTHA: Yeah, with his breath.

 

JOHN: Go ahead and laugh. Once you hear me sing you'll be sorry.


 

BERTHA: I'm sure we will.

JOHN: (To CHARLIE)
Maestro? Ready?

(CHARLIE nods)


A one, a two, a...

(JOHN passes out on the floor. FLO, and BERTHA applaud)

 

FLO: Beautiful!
 Stunning performance.

BERTHA: Encore', encore'

BONNEY: Anyone else want to give it a try?

FLO: No one could top that.

BERTHA: That was an interesting way of doing that song.

FLO: I never knew such music was possible.

BERTHA: I was moved.

BONNEY:  Will you two knock it off?  (Gets JOHN)

JOHN: (Wakes) How was I?   Did I knock ÔøΩem dead?

BONNEY: LetÔøΩs just say I knocked somebody dead.  (Helps him into chair) There you go.

JOHN: I need another drink.

BONNEY: I think you've had enough.

JOHN: DonÔøΩt worry.  I'm not drunk. I'm just pretending.  The ÔøΩbig planÔøΩ remember?  I'm under cover you know.

BERTHA: And pretty soon you'll be under the table.

(Knock at door)


 

FLO: That's not the secret knock.

BONNEY: Quick everyone. To your places.

(Everyone rushes around and hides liquor and changed gambling for checkers, etc. Candy displays are set out)

 

FLO: (More knocking) That sounds like the law.
  I recognize their knock.

BONNEY: Oh, dear. Oh, dear.


 

BERTHA: Ready?


 

BONNEY: Let'em in.


 

(Kids enter.  SHERI leads)

 

SHERI:  Everybody freeze.

 

BERTHA: Come on in.

 

BONNEY: Care for any pinon candy?
 (Other kids reach for candy but SHERI smacks them away)

 

SHERI: Sorry, ma'am. I thought this was an illegal booze operation.


 

BONNEY: As you can see, this is a reputable candy store.


 

SHERI: I'm sure I heard there was something fishy going on in here.

 

BONNEY: Sorry, no fish flavored candy but IÔøΩll put it on my suggestion list. People often make that mistake.


 

BERTHA:  So whatÔøΩs the deal?   ArenÔøΩt you all a little young to be the sheriffÔøΩs posse?

 

SHERI:  My daddyÔøΩs the sheriff but heÔøΩs out of town.   IÔøΩm trying to keep the peace while heÔøΩs away?

 

FLO:   He put his little girl in charge?

 

SHERI:  Well, no.   But I took it upon myself to deputize these citizens and expose your illegal operation.

 

BERTHA:  Citizens?   These kids are younger than you.

 

CITIZEN: CanÔøΩt we have some candy now?

 

SHERI:  No.   Keep quiet.

 (Sees JOHN passed out)

What's with him?

BONNEY: Oh, he's in charge of... tasting the candy... heÔøΩs got a tummy ache.

CITIZEN: Poor guy.

SHERI: You sure heÔøΩs okay.

BONNEY: He isn't dead is he?

SHERI: (Pokes him) I don't know. I can't tell.

BONNEY: Trust me, he's fine.  I suppose you'll want to be going.
(Pushes SHERRI and CITIZENS out)


SHERI: I do have to go.  (Pointing to one of the CITIZENS)   ItÔøΩs almost her nap time. Sorry to disturb you.

BONNEY: Don't mention it. Bye.

(Pushes her out door and closes it)


That was close.


(Everyone changes the place back as before. BONNEY sighs and then there is another knock at the door)


Here we go again.

(Everyone starts changing back again)

SHERI: (Opens door) I just wanted to say...

BONNEY: (Tries to close door on her. Everyone is frantic) What's that?

SHERI: If you ever see anything suspicious, let me know.

BONNEY: Okay, thank you.

(Pushes her out and shuts door)


That was way too close.

(They start to change back and then there's another knock)


I'm going to kill her.

     (JOHN stands up with his gun.  BONNEY grabs it)

FLO: John, no!

BONNEY: (Opens door and points gun) Now look here!

ALLY: Don't shoot!

BONNEY: Ally! I'm so sorry.

 

PAUSE PLAY to talk to AUDIENCE about bad guys – have kids come up front and prepare projectiles – throw stuff and yell boo when you see the BOO sign.   LetÔøΩs practice.

 

BERTHA: Back about your business. It's the Boss.   Ally Capone.

FLO:  Capone?

BERTHA:  Sister of Al Capone.

FLO:  Oh, dear.   The Capones are always bad news.

ALLY: Hello, everyone.

EVERYONE: (Ad Lib)  Ally! How are ya'? Etc.  (Everyone is trying to be friendly but are scared)

 

ALLY:  IÔøΩm glad to see that youÔøΩre seeing the value of a gun, Bonney.   We must protect our investment.

 

BONNEY:  Well, itÔøΩs soon just to be all mine.

 

ALLY:  What do you mean?  

 

BONNEY:  This is when I make my last payment (holds out envelope of money).   Once I pay you this then IÔøΩm free and clear.   Candy Kitchen will be mine.

 

ALLY: (Goes to bar and BERTHA gets her a drink)   Sarsaparilla, on the rocks.   I never drink on the job.   (Looks at pocket watch)    Have to keep my mind sharp and my eyes clear.  

 

BONNEY:  So here is my final payment.  (ALLY wanders away with her drink and doesnÔøΩt take the money)

 

ALLY:  You sure you want to give up our little business arrangement?

 

BONNEY:  I didnÔøΩt really want to make alcohol but that was the only way I could get the investment money to start my candy factory here at the ranch.   ItÔøΩs my dream to make enough candy that every child in the world can enjoy it for one low price.

 

ALLY:  Oh, thatÔøΩs real sweet.

 

BONNEY:  So here.  Please take my final payment and IÔøΩll have all your alcohol stills delivered to you right away.   Then I can make room for all the candy making.   A dream come true.  (AUDIENCE:  Ahhh! Or Hurray!)

 

ALLY:  (Looks at watch)  Oh, dear.

 

BONNEY:  WhatÔøΩs wrong?

 

ALLY:  It looks like your payment is late.   (Snatches away money now)

 

BONNEY:  What do you mean?

 

ALLY:  IÔøΩm afraid the last payment had to be to me at high noon, sharp.   (Shows watch)  ItÔøΩs now 12:01.  No, now itÔøΩs 12:02.

 

BONNEY:  What?!  I donÔøΩt remember anything in the contract about a time.   I only read about the day.

 

ALLY:  You must not have read the fine print.   (Do evil laugh)Pulls out contract and puts it on table)

 

(BOO sign and AUDIENCE boos and kids throw things)

 

BONNEY:  I donÔøΩt see it.

 

ALLY:  Oh, here you go.   (Unrolls the bottom of the paper so it rolls out to the audience and there is tiny writing on most of it)

 

(BOO sign and AUDIENCE boos and kids throw things)

 

 

BERTHA:  ThatÔøΩs some mighty fine print.

 

ALLY:  So IÔøΩm afraid I have to charge you interest since your last payment was late.

 

(BOO sign and AUDIENCE boos and kids throw things)

 

ALLY:  (to audience)  Stop that, will you?!   (Rips up BOO sign?)

 

BONNEY:  Interest?   This is supposed to be an interest free loan.

 

ALLY:  Once again, itÔøΩs in the fine print.

 

BONNEY:   I canÔøΩt read this.

 

FLO:  (Hands BONNEY a magnifying glass)   Here, try this.

 

BONNEY:  Still, too small.

 

ALLY:  Here.  (Pulls out spyglass)  This is what I use.

 

BONNEY:  (Looks through spyglass)   Oh, no.   It does say all that.  (Upset, she slumps into a chair in tears.  AUDIENCE: Ahhh!)

 

FLO:  ThatÔøΩs so unfair.  (Takes spyglass and looks)

 

BERTHA:  You canÔøΩt let her do this to you, Bonney.

 

ALLY:  She has no choice.  (Evil laugh)   SheÔøΩll be making hooch for me from now until eternity.  (More laughter.   AUDIENCE BOOS)

 

(new BOO sign appears and AUDIENCE boos and kids throw things)

 

FLO:  Wait.   Look at this.   (Gives spyglass to BERTHA)

 

BERTHA:  Bonney, youÔøΩve got to see this.   (BONNEY is too upset)   ItÔøΩs a way out of this contract.   It says here that you can get out of the contract if you beat Ally in hand to hand combat.

 

ALLY:  Where does it say that?   (Grabs spyglass)   Well, IÔøΩll be aÔøΩ (Bends down and rips off that part of the contract)  Ooops.   I canÔøΩt seem to find it now.  (can stuff it in mouth if she wants)

 

FLO:  Give that back.

 

ALLY:  Never.   (Starts to take off with paper.   JOHN who seems to have been passed out trips ALLY during her escape and the paper comes flying out.  FLO snatches it up)

 

FLO:  Got it!

 

ALLY:  YouÔøΩre all going to pay for this.

 

BERTHA:  (Looks at paper in FLOÔøΩs hands with spyglass)   Yes, it says that here too.  WeÔøΩll all have to pay for this if Bonney loses.

 

FLO:  Pay for what?

 

BERTHA:  I donÔøΩt know.  Ally swallowed that part.

 

BONNEY:  Must we fight? 

 

ALLY:  WhatÔøΩs the matter?  Worried about breaking a nail?   (Grabs BONNEYÔøΩs finger and twistsÔøΩ AUDIENCE: BOO!)   Messing up your hair.  (ALLY messes up BONNEYÔøΩs hair.   AUDIENCE:  BOO)

 

JOHN:  Hold it right there, Capone.  (AUDIENCE:  HURRAY!)

 

ALLY:  Oh, look.  The town drunk.   What you gonna doÔøΩ kill me with your breath?

 

JOHN:  IÔøΩve sworn to protect Bonney and the Candy Kitchen.  These here are decent people and I intend to help them get free of you once and for all.

 

ALLY: Well, well.  This is a new side of you that IÔøΩve never seen.

 

JOHN:  IÔøΩve been waiting for the right moment, Capone, and this is it.   (BONNEY and JOHN square off)

 

ALLY:  Prepare to meet your maker, Miller.

 

BONNEY:   Wait, wait. Please.   I canÔøΩt allow this to happen.   IsnÔøΩt there another way?

 

FLO:  Wait.   Here in the contract is says there is another wayÔøΩ

 

BERTHA:  What does it say?

 

FLO:  It saysÔøΩ oh, no. 

 

BERTHA:  What?

 

FLO:  That Bonney can marry one of AllyÔøΩs brothers.

 

BONNEY:  Oh, no.   ThatÔøΩs worse than fighting.

 

BERTHA:  No, kidding.  Have you seen her brothers?

 

ALLY:  AlÔøΩs not so bad but heÔøΩs taken.   But there are my other brotherÔøΩsÔøΩ (Goes out to audience and gets some guys)   ThereÔøΩs my brother CalÔøΩ (FLO helps get them on stage and she and BERTHA take them aside and explain they have to act as rude and crude as possible and give them silly hats or something)   My brother SalÔøΩ  (and gets another guy) and my brother Gal.   (Her brother Gal gets a womanÔøΩs wig)

 

ALLY:  LetÔøΩs meet the eligible bachelorÔøΩsÔøΩ   Brother #1 is Cal Capone.  He can impress with her belching ability (RECORDING HERE?)  or simply enjoy his drooling.   Or be amazed by his  Brother #2, Sal Capone, who is known for ability to make the most realistic armpit noises (get whoopee cushion for this).     And finally thereÔøΩs Brother #3, Gal Capone.  If you call him a mamaÔøΩs boyÔøΩ well, that would be an understatement.

 

(BONNEY can interview the guys and BERTHA and FLO can feed them silly answers)

 

BONNEY:  Flo.  Please tell me thereÔøΩs another way.

 

FLO:  I canÔøΩt see anything.

 

ALLY:  Now pick one, Bonney and youÔøΩre free.   (FLO and BERTHA try to get guys to be as icky as possible)

 

JOHN:  DonÔøΩt do it, Bonney.  ItÔøΩs not worth it.   Let me handle her.

 

BONNEY:  No, John.  SheÔøΩll never leave me alone unless I take care of this on my own.

 

ALLY:  Which one audience?   (She tries to get audience to yell out their votes, #1, #2, #3)

 

BONNEY:  I think IÔøΩll take the hand to hand combat.  (FLO and BERTHA try to get guys to react, anger, pout, cry, etc.)

 

AUDIENCE: AHHH as Guys leave

 

ALLY:   So you want to take me on, do you Bonney?

 

BONNEY:  If it means I can save Candy Kitchen Ranch and turn it into a legitimate business, then yes.

 

ALLY:   Then draw.   (ALLY whips out a pencil and henchman rushes in with paper so she can do a quick sketch)

 

BERTHA:  No, no, no.  Says here that we get to pick the style of combat.

 

ALLY:  We?  We who?

 

BERTHA:  The patrons of this bar and the audience.

 

ALLY:  Curses!   IÔøΩm so good at drawing.

 

BONNEY:  That is rather nice.  Is that a puppy?  

 

ALLY:  My favorite puppy.  I loved that puppy more than anything.   And then Billy the Kid came along and killed it.

 

BONNEY:  I did notÔøΩ I mean, he would never kill an innocent puppy.

 

ALLY:  He did.  I saw it.   And I swore if I ever found Billy the Kid, IÔøΩd make him pay. 

 

JOHN:  (Looks nervous)   Gotta go to the outhouse.  (Exits into audience.  Gets newspaper from under a chair and sits and reads)

 

ALLY:  So you think you can take me, Bonney?  (They face off and circle)

 

BONNEY:  I know for a fact I fight like Billy the Kid.

 

ALLY:  Well, youÔøΩre as ugly as he is.

 

JOHN:  (From audience)  Boo!

 

(BOO sign and AUDIENCE boos and kids throw things)

 

BONNEY:  You think you can take me, Ally?

 

ALLY:  I was taught hand to hand combat by none other than Calamity Jane.

 

ALLY talks trash while BONNEY tries to kill her with kindness.

 

BERTHA:  ThatÔøΩs the sorriest bunch of insults IÔøΩve ever heard.

 

FLO:  Maybe the audience can show us how itÔøΩs done?

 

Do ÔøΩQuestions OnlyÔøΩ game with Audience members.  Topic: Old West Insults

 

JOHN:  (To audience winner in Questions only)   See, ladies.  ThatÔøΩs how it is done.

 

ALLY and BONNEY go at it again but are stopped by BERTHA.

 

BERTHA:  Save it, ladies.   To your corners.

 

FLO:   So audience.   What style of combat do you chose?

 

BERTHA:  LetÔøΩs give them a little sample of each.

 

Combat – BERTHA and FLO call out different suggestions from audience including arm wrestling, Sumo wrestling (floaties under shirts), Star Wars (lightsabers), Matrix (try lifting BONNEY), etc.

 

BONNEY and ALLY do samples of each and audience decides

(ROCK MUSIC such as QueenÔøΩs ÔøΩWe will rock youÔøΩ and STROBE LIGHTS)

BERTHA and FLO:  (Do pro-wrestling type intro of both ALLY and BONNEY)

 

They fight in the style the AUDIENCE picks. (SOUND EFFECTS)

 

ALLY wins (BOO sign and AUDIENCE boos and kids throw things)

 

ALLY:  I need everyone to leave us alone a moment.

 

JOHN: What are you up to now, Capone? 

 

ALLY:  Nothing.  Just a little girl talk.

 

BONNEY:  ItÔøΩs okay, John.

 

JOHN:  Fine, but IÔøΩll be close by.   (Everyone leaves except ALLY and BONNEY)

 

ALLY:   IÔøΩm very disappointed in you, Bonney.   I expected more from Billy the Kid.

 

BONNEY:  You know IÔøΩm really The Kid?

 

ALLY:  IÔøΩve known from before I helped you build Candy Kitchen Ranch.    I was hoping I would turn you into a powerful friend, but instead youÔøΩve made me your enemy.

 

BONNEY:  IÔøΩm tired of being an outlaw.  I wanted to try and do something good for a change.   IÔøΩve always been trying to do whatÔøΩs right, but things always seem to go wrong for me.   (AUDIENCE: Ahhh)

 

ALLY:  (Secretly pulls out rope)   Well, thatÔøΩs all over now.

 

BONNEY:  WhyÔøΩs that? 

 

ALLY:  (Throws rope around her)   Because IÔøΩm going to blow you up.

 

BONNEY:  No!   (AUDIENCE: BOO)

 

ALLY:  (Sits her down and henchmen bring in TNT)  Say hello to Mr. Powder Keg, Bonney.   HeÔøΩs gonna be your only friend on your trip to the great beyond.

 

BONNEY:  Let me go you fiend.

 

ALLY:  (Lights fuse and HISSING SOUND)  See you later, Ally-gator.  (Evil laugh)  Ally-gatorÔøΩ get it?  Ally-gator?  (FUSE HISSING SOUND EFFECT through following)

 

 

BONNEY:  I donÔøΩt get it.

 

ALLY:  Oh, be quiet.  IÔøΩm off to enjoy my brewery.  This should be just enough blasting power to blow up your precious candy operation and spare my little still in the other part of the ranch.

 

BONNEY:  YouÔøΩll never get away with this.

 

ALLY:  I already have.   And now I can focus all my efforts on my brewery.   I plan to make a variety of alcoholic beverages for all the enjoyÔøΩ (tells audience about all her flavors)

 

BONNEY:  Help!  Help!

 

ALLY:  Quiet you.   (Tells more)

 

BONNEY:  Can anyone save me?

 

ALLY:  Good-bye, Bonney.   (Goes off the brewery)

 

BONNEY:  Help!

 

JOHN:   (Rushes in)  IÔøΩll save you!  (AUDIENCE: Hurray)

 

BONNEY:  John!  Is it really you?  

 

JOHN:  IÔøΩve only been gone a few minutes. 

 

BONNEY:  Sorry.  It seemed like forever with Ally going on and on.   Blah, blah, blah.  I thought sheÔøΩd never shut up.

 

JOHN:  But my plan has worked.   And job well done for John Miller, Texas Ranger (karate routine?)   I finally have enough evidence to throw Ally in the clink for good and itÔøΩs all because of you, Bonney.

 

BONNEY:  IÔøΩm happy to help.

 

JOHN: Now to arrest that scoundral.   (head for Brewery)

 

BONNEY: Uh, John.   Do you think maybe you could do something about this powder kegÔøΩ BEFORE I BLOW UP!

 

JOHN:  Oh, dear.  (Gets all nervous)   What do I do?  What do I do?

 

BONNEY:  Put out the fuse!

 

JOHN:  (Tries stopping it)  ItÔøΩs not working.

 

BONNEY:  Untie me.

 

JOHN:  Oh, yeah.   (Unties BONNEY and BONNEY rolls or carries TNT to Brewery and runs back)

 

BONNEY:  ItÔøΩs going to blow.   (EXPLOSION SOUND and STROBE LIGHTS and SMOKE MACHINE.  BONNEY and JOHN duck and stuff comes flying and they EXIT.   ALLY comes stumbling out and has soot on face and her hair is standing up and black)  

 

ALLY:  ThatÔøΩs some powerful hooch.   (Passes out.  Kids rush in and put alcohol bottles around her and SHERI enters)

 

SHERI:  WhatÔøΩs this?  Illegal booze!   YouÔøΩre under arrest.

(CITIZEN posse comes in and puts ALLY in wagon)   Take her away.

 

(BONNEY and JOHN reenter)

 

BONNEY:  Thank you, John for everything youÔøΩve done for me.  Now and those years when I was a gun slinger.

 

JOHN:  I swore to your Ma, I would never let anything happen to you.   And sheÔøΩd be proud of the woman youÔøΩve become.

 

BONNEY:  And now my dream of making the best candy in the world will come trueÔøΩ all because of you.

 

JOHN:  I have a present for you.

 

BONNEY:  A present?

 

JOHN:  I made this for you.   (ItÔøΩs a sign that says ÔøΩThe worldÔøΩs best candy only 1 centÔøΩ)

 

BONNEY:  I love it, John.  Thank you.

 

JOHN:  Now, letÔøΩs sell some candy!   (AUDIENCE: Hurray!)

 

Kids come rushing in to buy the candy with FLO and BERTHA.  BONNEY and JOHN throw candies to kids on stage and in the audience.

 

(SONG ÔøΩI want candy!ÔøΩ or ÔøΩLollipopÔøΩ)

END OF PLAY