Bad Air
a comedy by
D. M. Larson
Copyright © 2004
Cast of Characters RICKY: A handsome worker at AirCraphvia who is
anxious for advancement. CAMI: Another employee at AirCraphvia. She’s an ample, but extremely sexy
woman. STACY: Regional director of AirCraphvia. EVA: Daughter of CORBICHOVICH. She is a student and an actress. CORBICHOVICH: Dictator of the Eastern European
country of Craphvia. He is also the
owner of AirCraphvia. AirCraphvia is pronounced
Air-Craff-via but Cami can feel free to say it Air-Crap-a, Air Crappy,
Air-Crap, etc. Same goes for the country’s
pronunciation Craphvia is Craff-via, but Cami can Crappy-a, Crap-a, etc. Place and Time The AirCraphvia check-in
desk at an airport in present day ( RICK Hey,
Cami. Slow night? CAMI It's
always slow here, Rick. Nobody wants to
fly on AirCrappy. RICK AirCraphvia,
Cami. (Said Air-Craff-via) You
know you’re not supposed it call it AirCrappy anymore. It’s not good for business. CAMI Don’t
worry. We haven’t had any customers to
scare away tonight. RICK Maybe
it's because our pilots keep running into mountains. CAMI It
only happened once or twice. RICK Three
times. CAMI RICK You
don't want me to answer that. CAMI (Waves at invisible customers) Still
plenty of seats on tonight's flight! (Waves at different
customers) Free
drinks after (Frustrated) Nothing
works. RICK Have
you tried everything? CAMI Almost... RICK What
haven't you tried? CAMI Set
right up, folks and fly with me! I’m
ready and willing. (CAMI smiles at passing
invisible customer) Well,
hello there stranger. Going my way? (Pouts when he moves on) He
looked interested. RICK But
his wife sure didn't. (Phone rings) A
customer. CAMI (Closer to phone) Oh,
Rick. Would you get that? RICK You're
closer. CAMI Oh,
please, Rick. I just did my nails. RICK Fine. (Pushes past her) Hello? (Smiles) Sure
we have room on the flight tonight. (Frowns) What? CAMI RICK No,
you can't do that. CAMI What?! Rick.
Don't tell them no. RICK Sorry,
your children can't do that. CAMI Let
the kids do it. RICK No,
your children can't ride in the suitcases.
You have to buy them tickets. CAMI Maybe
they can't do that. RICK I
don't care if they’re under weight, it's against the law. (Hangs up) Are
they for real? CAMI (Adjusts her chest) No,
but they sure do look good, don’t they? RICK Not
you, the people on the phone. CAMI Oh,
silly me. (Looks at watch) Time
for my break. RICK Take
your time. Doesn't look like we're too
busy. CAMI I
have to hurry to the Made in RICK Gross. How can you eat those things? CAMI (Starts to go) RICK Hey! What happened to my computer terminal? CAMI (Stops) Oh,
Rick. I'm sorry. I kind of broke it. RICK Broke
it?! Why did you break my
terminal? Why couldn't you break your
own? CAMI I'm
sorry. (Gets pouty) I’m
a bad girl. RICK Yes,
you are. CAMI I
am so bad. You should punish me. RICK What?!
Will you behave yourself? CAMI But
it’s no fun to behave. RICK Normally,
I’d agree, but our regional director is coming. CAMI I’m
sure I can handle him. I will just need
to pucker up, wiggle my hips, and slowly unbutton my shirt. “Oh, Mr. Director. These here uniforms are just so hot. I can hardly keep them on.” RICK You
better hope she’s a lesbian. Otherwise
that ain’t gonna work too well. CAMI What
are you talking about? Our regional
director is Boris Grincov. RICK Not
anymore. CAMI Boris
is gone? But he was so… RICK Old? Ugly?
Senile? CAMI RICK Cami,
you could persuade an Eskimo to dance naked in a blizzard. CAMI (Grins) Oh,
that’s a pretty picture. RICK So,
this time, you’re going to need to use slightly different tactics. CAMI (STACY enters from
behind as CAMI speaks) I
know her type. She’s some dragon lady
who ruined powerful men so she could get their jobs. She cares nothing about nobody. She probably slept her way to the top. STACY Can’t
say that I did? And what did you
do? Sleep your way to the bottom. RICK Cami,
meet our new regional director, Stacy Toredovich. CAMI Did
you hear too much of that? STACY Let’s
just say I heard enough to not only fire you, but to have you executed under
Craphvian law. CAMI STACY You're
just lucky I need you right now. CAMI Sorry,
Ms. Boss Lady. I'll be good. STACY My
name is Ms. Toredovich. CAMI You
don’t look Craphvian. STACY I
am by marriage. CAMI So
then you’re Mrs. Toredovich. STACY No,
Ms. I’m divorced. CAMI I’m
so sorry. STACY No,
you’re not. CAMI Dang,
I was trying to sound sincere. RICK Hi,
I'm... STACY I
know who two are and according to my records, this place is a disgrace. The CAMI That's
not what the guys around here have been telling
me. RICK Sorry,
Ms. Torrez. The STACY Thank
goodness for censorship in Craphvia. It's
the only thing that has saved us. CAMI Don't
you think freedom of press is better than lying? STACY I
don't get paid to think. And I suggest
you stop before you find yourself without a job. RICK Cami,
I don't think you've ever been accused of thinking too much before. CAMI You
can just call me... oh, dang. What's the
name of that famous smart lady? RICK Who? Rachel Carson? Elenor Rosevelt? CAMI No...
Marilyn Monroe. She's my hero. STACY Will
you two be serious? We have the
president of Craphvia, our airline patron, coming here on a plane as we
speak. He wants to prove that our
airlines are safe to fly on plans a big press conference here. CAMI I
promise Rick will be on his best behavior.
I’ll make sure of it. STACY You
have one more chance. If this visit goes
well, then you both keep your jobs. If
it doesn’t go well, I’ll personally fly you to Craphvia and have you executed. (RICK’s mouth drops
open) Now,
let's see what condition that office of yours is in. (Exits R) RICK What
did I do wrong? CAMI RICK Me? What about you? CAMI Oh,
she was kidding around. I can tell she
likes me. We'll be good friends. RICK You
don’t think they could execute us do you?
We’re American citizens. CAMI Oh,
I saw this movie once where they stuffed these two people in duffle bags and
shipped them off to RICK Please,
Cami. Be serious. We have to do a good job. CAMI Oh,
what for? Once the big dictator sees his
RICK We
have to make his think it's worth it. Please,
Cami. Don’t mess up. I need this job. CAMI I’ll
try to be good, just for you, sweetie. RICK If
lose another job, then I’ll have to move back home again. There’s nothing worse than being an adult and
having to move in with your parents. CAMI You
can always move in with me, honey. RICK What
would your boyfriend say? CAMI You
know what I say? The more the merrier. RICK Didn’t
you say something about him and gorillas once?
I’m not messing with any guy who reminds you of a gorilla. CAMI But
then you could be my little monkey. RICK I
think I’d rather live with my parents. CAMI Fine. Go ahead and hurt my feelings. (Starts to sniffle) That’s
all men ever do is hurt my feelings. (Covers her eyes. Fights back the tears) RICK Hey,
Cami. I didn’t mean to make you feel
bad. (Goes to her. She sobs as he pats her on the shoulder) There,
there. CAMI Tell
me you’re sorry. RICK I’m
sorry. CAMI Tell
me, you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. RICK I
didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. CAMI (Grabs him and pulls him
to her) Tell
me you’re my little monkey. STACY (Enters R. Sees them) RICK (Breaks away from CAMI) This
isn’t what it looks like. CAMI STACY I
don’t care what was going on, just knock it off. CAMI You
say… I listen. (Goes to her terminal) RICK Please,
Ms. Toredovich. You have to let me
explain. STACY Look,
I just want you to behave yourself long enough to get through tonight. Please, no more fooling around. RICK But
I… (CAMI’s phone rings) STACY Are
you going to answer that? CAMI I
can't right now. You've got me all
stressed out. RICK (Gets phone) AirCraphvia. Rick speaking. (RICK checks CAMI's
computer terminal) CAMI He’s
much better on the phone than I am. RICK (Surprised) Sorry,
sir. But that flight’s actually full. (STACY all make coughing sounds and whisk him
downstage. RICK puts his hand over the
receiver) What
did I do wrong? STACY We
are never full. RICK What? STACY Remember
this rule. The plane is never full. We always have seats. RICK How’s
that possible? STACY See,
we expect people to miss the flight or cancel, so we overbook so we’re full. RICK But
what if everyone shows? STACY Then
they wait for the next plane. RICK But… STACY (Takes the phone) Sir,
we just had an opening. (Punches information
into computer) CAMI You
take my spot, Rick. I need a break. RICK When
did you start working? CAMI I
do lots of work. RICK When? CAMI All
of the time. I do it so fast that you
don't see it. STACY (Gets off phone) How
do you people manage to survive? RICK We
do very well considering how small we are. CAMI Rick,
honey. Never say that you are too small
to a woman. STACY Always
with the jokes. (Sighs) Look,
President Corbichovich of Craphvia is arriving today on the one-eleven out of
Santalivia. CAMI President? Don’t you mean dictator? STACY He
was elected to office. CAMI He
won only because he killed the guy he was running against. STACY I’ll
admit his methods aren’t the most ethical, but Craphvia has said that
Corbichovich has established the most democratic dictatorship in a couple of
centuries. CAMI You
can call Hitler, Honest Abe, but he still ain’t no RICK That
was surprisingly deep, Cami. STACY We
will treat him with the utmost respect.
No matter what your feelings are on the subject, he is the owner of our
airline and the CAMI You
can call a con an artist but he still ain’t a… STACY Cami,
please, stop with the metaphors. CAMI Metawhats? RICK I
promise you, she’s not as stupid as she is. CAMI Thank
you, Rick. (Thinks) Hey! (She smacks RICK who
laughs) STACY Let’s
stop kidding around, please. RICK So
what is our role in all this? STACY He
wants to meet the employees of AirCraphvia Amarillo during his visit. CAMI But
why is he visiting STACY His
daughter goes to school here at the CAMI Oh,
yeah. I’ve seen her in something. They made a big deal out of it because she is
a dictator’s daughter. I think she was
that soap opera that’s filmed on a ranch near hear… Texas Tramps I think it’s
called. She was a maid or something. RICK (A bit dreamy) She
was a stable hand named Lola. She also
plays Lola’s twin sister Dr. Linda Love, the brain surgeon. STACY Are
you a fan of hers? RICK (Blushes) My
mother has watched that show for a long time and she got me hooked on it too. It’s pretty amazing that his daughter was born
speaking Craphvian and learned English well enough to play an English speaker
on television here. Now she does theatre
here in STACY CAMI Rick
can handle that I’m sure. (Gives him a playful
nudge and RICK blushes more) RICK (Excited for the first
time) We’ll
do everything we can to make their stay a pleasant one. STACY (Looks off R) Now
if someone could just control the weather.
It’s turning nasty out there. RICK I
heard it might snow. STACY Ah! Don’t say it!
Don’t say it. CAMI (Aside to RICK) Snow. STACY I
have a few things to do in the office.
I’ll be back to meet the dictator… I mean president. (Motions RICK to her) Uh,
Rick? RICK (Goes to her obediently) Yes,
Ms. Toredovich. STACY I
haven’t been very impressed with your performance so far. RICK I
am so sorry. I promise I will do
everything in my power to please you. STACY (Winks at him) That’s
what I hoped you would say. Why don’t
you stop by the office a little later and we’ll… talk. (Exits R) RICK Did
she mean what I thought she meant? CAMI Oh,
Rick. You’re in trouble. RICK Why
me? Why do women throw themselves at me
like this? CAMI Most
guys would like it. You a little light
in your sombrero? RICK CAMI You’re
crazy. RICK Fine,
I’ll go play boy toy for boss lady. CAMI Then
it’s my turn. RICK (EVA enters R) Sure,
fine and then it’s your turn. Why don’t
I just make an announcement on the airport intercom? Step right up ladies. Rick is ready for romance. EVA (From behind) Now
this is what I call a full service airport. RICK Oh,
my gosh. (Really embarrassed) Eva? Eva Dictator… I mean Eva Corbichovich. CAMI (Pats RICK on head) You’ll
have to excuse my friend here. He’s
still learning to speak English. EVA That’s
okay. The cute ones don’t need to speak. CAMI (Aside to RICK) Ohh,
reel her in, boy. RICK I’m
sorry. We weren’t expecting you so
soon. EVA The
weather is horrible out there. I thought
I’d better get here early before the snow got too bad. RICK Welcome
to AirCraphvia Amarillo, Miss Corbichovich. EVA RICK From
TV… and the theatre. EVA (Flattered) You’ve
seen me? RICK Oh,
once or twice. On CAMI Once
or twice? He never misses that
show. And I’ll bet he went to that
musical more than once too. EVA I’m
flattered. RICK Forgive
me. I should introduce myself. I am Rick Ramone and this here is my partner
in crime, Cami. CAMI So you’re
the famous Eva Corbichovich? EVA You’ve
seen me on TV too? CAMI No,
I’ve just heard about you from some Craphvia friends of mine. EVA Don’t
believe everything you hear. CAMI If
I did that then I’d have to believe that story about Rick and the armadillo on
runway three… RICK Whatever
you’re about to say doesn’t need to be repeated… EVA (Aside to CAMI) That’s
okay you can tell me about it later. (CAMI winks at RICK) RICK Well,
anyway… it’s wonderful to have you here.
Is there anything we can get for you? EVA Do
I have time to freshen up before he gets down here? RICK Of
course. (Points L) The
restroom is right over there. CAMI I’ll
show her. EVA (Gives RICK a pleased
smile) Thank
you, Rick. CAMI (Winks at RICK) Isn’t
he such a sweet thing? (Leads EVA L) Our
first stop on our tour will be the Made in (Both exit L) RICK (STACY enters R as RICK
talks to himself) Wow,
now she’s someone I’d like to get to know. STACY (From behind) I
hope you’re talking about me. RICK Oh,
Ms. Toredovich. Back so soon? STACY I was
thinking that I needed some help in the office. RICK Sure,
once Cami gets back, I’ll be right there. STACY (Plays with RICK’s
shirt) So
anxious, so willing… RICK (Suspicious) Uh,
well, uh, what kind of help do you need? STACY I’ve
got this bottle of wine that needs help drinking. I have several for the old dictator when he
arrives. I’m sure he won’t miss one
little bottle. RICK Uh…
Ms. Toredovich… STACY Look,
we have a long evening ahead of us. The
big guy won’t be here for another two hours and I need to unwind a little
before we start running around like roosters in a cock fight. (Very direct) And
you seem like a nice guy who would like to keep his job. RICK (Sighs) Whatever
you say, Ms. Toredovich… STACY Call
me, Stacy. (Smiles) Now
you rush right back to the office as soon as Cami returns. (Starts to go, then
stops) Oh,
and bring me some of those chocolates Cami keeps talking about. RICK (STACY exits R) Sure
thing. No problem. (Bangs head on computer
monitor) Why
me? (CAMI enters L) I
can’t figure out if I am cursed or blessed. CAMI (Sneaks up behind
him. Pinches him on the cheek) Both
I think. RICK Hey,
you just missed the boss lady. CAMI Did
you say where I was? Did you say I was
showing Eva around? RICK No,
I said you were giving the customers special rates in the back room. CAMI Ha,
ha. Very funny. RICK So
where is Eva? CAMI In
the ladies room. (Smiles at RICK) You
like her don’t you? RICK (Shrugs, trying to
ignore CAMI) I
don’t know. CAMI (Pokes him) Come
on, Rick. I know that look. It’s like that look I get when I see some
chocolate. You’ve got it bad for her. RICK So
what if I do? It doesn’t matter. She’s rich.
She’s going to be a famous actress.
Why would she want to bother with a guy like me? CAMI Beats
me. Maybe to make her daddy mad? RICK Great. That’s just what I need is a half-crazed
military dictator mad at me. CAMI So
how bad do you have it for her? RICK I
have her picture. (Pulls out wallet and a
huge thing of photos comes out) CAMI One
or two pictures I see. RICK Who
am I kidding? I worship this woman. That's why I took this job, so I might have a
chance to see her. I know her father
owns this airline. I know that the only
reason this office exists is so she can fly for free to Craphvia to visit her
father. CAMI You
little schemer, you. A devious mind is a
terrible thing to waste. So now you've
met her in the flesh. She as wonderful
as you thought? RICK Even
more wonderful. CAMI Then
ask her out. RICK Me? Now way.
It’s bad enough that she’s an actress.
Why does she have to be so rich and powerful too? My chances are as about as good as a
rattlesnake on a highway. CAMI You’re
chances look pretty good with boss lady though. RICK Don’t
remind me. I’m supposed to go back
there now and “help” her. CAMI You
are in trouble, my friend. RICK Please,
Cami. You’ve got to help me out of
this. CAMI No
way am I getting involved. I like my
job. RICK So
do I, but… (Drifts off) CAMI But
what? RICK But
what about Eva? CAMI You
said it yourself. What are your
chances? She is a rich, beautiful,
talented woman. Then there’s a poor
little airline bag boy… RICK I’m
not a bag boy… not anymore. CAMI If you
don’t get back there and “help” the boss lady, you’ll be lucky to be the bag
boy. RICK Bag
boy or boy toy? What a choice. CAMI Or
unemployed. It’s a no brainer. RICK I
guess then it’s off to the wolves. CAMI Too
late. She’s coming to hunt you down. STACY (Enters R) Rick,
I thought I asked you to see me when Cami returned. RICK Sorry,
we got really busy here. CAMI (Aside to RICK) And
she wanted to get busy back there too. (CAMI pokes RICK playfully and then goes to her
computer. She commences doing one finger
typing, careful not to break a nail. She
switches to the mouse) STACY Looks
like we’re behind schedule anyway. I
just received a report that President Corbichovich’s plane might be arriving
sooner than planned. This calls for
operation Dazzle the Dictator… RICK Yes,
Ms. Toredovich. What do we do? STACY First
we get out the welcome banners. (Points R and UC) I
want them there and there. Next we need
to get out the red carpet… CAMI Are
you serious? STACY I
do not joke around. CAMI (Under her breath) I
think you’re funny. STACY What’s
that? CAMI You’re
sweeter than honey. STACY You
are so weird. (Turns back to RICK) Now,
what was I saying? RICK We
need to hang the red carpet, there and there… (Points UC, then R) STACY (Sees R) Oh,
no. I think it’s starting to snow out
there. CAMI It
never snows here. RICK Actually
it does sometimes… CAMI Hardly
enough to notice. RICK (Crosses R) You’ll
notice this. It’s really coming down. CAMI (Hits computer) This
alert keeps popping up and ruining a perfectly good game of solitaire. STACY (Crosses to CAMI) What
alert? CAMI (Reads) Winter
storm warning. STACY Oh,
great. Check and see when flight
one-eleven arrives. RICK (Looks over CAMI's
shoulder) It’s
already here! STACY (Gets on loud speaker) Flight
one-eleven is at gate A13. (Turns to others) I’ll
go with you to greet them. Cami you
come too. Rick, you greet his daughter
here and wait for us. RICK But
she… CAMI She
is in good hands. STACY Let’s
go. (Exits L) CAMI (To RICK) This
will give you two lovebirds some time alone. RICK Cami,
wait. What do I say to her? CAMI Come
on, Rick. I thought all guys had little
routines worked out for hitting on women. (Pretends to be a guy) Hey,
baby. Wanna see what I got in my pocket? RICK No
guy is going to say something like that. CAMI Uh-huh. I just had a guy that exact thing to me when
I went to buy chocolates. RICK I
can’t use some stupid line like that on Eva.
She’s… special. CAMI Oh,
yeah. Real special. RICK It
would be different if I was some rich CAMI Fine. For you, Rick, I’ll help. I do not like this Eva chick, but I like you
so I’ll help. RICK Thank
you, Cami. Now what do I do? CAMI Why
don’t I pretend to be her and then I’ll check out your technique? RICK I
don’t really have a technique. CAMI Okay,
here I come. (Does a snooty, rich
girl walk with her nose in the air and snear) Hi,
I’m a rich, stuck-up brat who gets whatever I want from my daddy. RICK Come
on, Cami. What are you doing? CAMI I’m
trying to get into character. Isn’t that
what those RICK Okay,
fine. Do it again. But different this time. CAMI (Walks in doing a silly
movie star walk) Hi,
I’m a sexy actress from tv. You may look
at my body but do not touch. RICK Cami,
please. CAMI Oh,
you’re no fun. RICK Maybe
we should forget about this. CAMI One
more try. (Walks in like a queen) Bow
down before me. Lick my boots. I’m your powerful princess here to whip you
bad if you don’t worship me. RICK Forget
it. CAMI But
I’m having fun. RICK I’m
glad one of us is. CAMI You
know, Rick. That’s your problem. You’re too up tight. RICK I
am not. CAMI Are
so. RICK Am
not. CAMI So,
so, so. Try to have a little fun. Let her see your playful side. RICK I
have a playful side? CAMI Everybody
has a playful side. Some just bury it
deeper than others. RICK I’ll
give it a try. CAMI That’s
all I ask. RICK Thanks,
Cami. CAMI Any
time, honey. And if it doesn’t work out
with her, I’m happy to pretend to be her for you any time. STACY (Rushes in) Where
have you been? I thought you were
coming to help me. CAMI I
thought you could handle it. Where’s
the big kahuna? STACY That’s
why I need help. He refuses to get off the
plane until we can heat up the walkway from the plane. Can we do that? CAMI You
bet we can. I can heat things up plenty
for our little dictator. STACY Let’s
hope so. (Exits) CAMI Gotta
go, Rick. Good luck with Eva. (Exits) RICK I’m
going to need it. (Lights fade to black) ACT I Scene 2
for two act play ACT II Scene 1 for three act play (Same setting as ACT I,
Scene 1. EVA enters) RICK Oh,
hi, Eva. Did you hear the announcement? EVA No. RICK You’re
father is here. EVA Already? How did the plane get here so fast? RICK (Checks computer) Says
here they didn’t stop in EVA I
guess his dictatorship wanted a direct flight. RICK Imagine
being that powerful. Wouldn’t that be
something? EVA Go
ahead and dream, Rick. And maybe one day
you can be a dictator of your own little European country. RICK Me? I doubt I’m the type. EVA (Sizes him up) Let
me see… Good looking, friendly, nice… (Laughs) Nope,
not the type at all. RICK You
make it sounds like a good thing. EVA It is,
Rick. Being a dictator isn’t as fun and
glamorous as TV makes it out to be. RICK Glamorous? More like dangerous. And what about being his daughter. Are you ever in danger? EVA You
don’t have to fear danger when you’re dangerous. RICK (Chuckles nervously) That’s
a joke, right? EVA Sure,
why not. RICK Uh,
okay… (Nervously fiddles with
computer) EVA So
you’re my own personal welcome wagon? RICK The
others went to greet your father. EVA That
Cami. She’s an interesting one. RICK Interesting
is a word for her. EVA You
two involved? RICK Me
and Cami? No. We just work together. She actually gets on my nerves, but I try to
get along. EVA Now
there’s a concept. Trying to get
along. Whenever daddy doesn’t like
someone, he just snaps his fingers and they disappear. RICK Oh,
boy… EVA Am
I scaring you? RICK Me? Scared of some silly old dictator? Ha! EVA I hoped
this snowstorm would keep him away completely. RICK Really? You two have problems? EVA I
don’t need to be spreading around my dirty laundry. RICK I’m
sure your laundry is never too dirty. EVA (Laughs) You’re
funny. RICK (Gets up some courage) You
know. I know I’m just some regular guy
without an army or money or power, but would you consider… EVA Sure. RICK Sure? EVA You’re
asking me out aren’t you? RICK Well,
yeah. EVA I’ll
go out with you, as long as my daddy approves. RICK (Heart sinks) Oh… EVA Sorry,
but it’s the Craphvian law. Daddy has
made laws about anything and everything.
He just loves laws that make things more difficult for everyone but him. RICK Craphvia
sounds like a fun country. EVA That’s
why I’m in RICK You’re
doing pretty well too. You’re becoming
quite a star on TV. EVA It’s
just bit parts in some unknown soap opera.
The theatre is what I really enjoy. Daddy says he may arrange for me to
get a big role on Broadway. RICK But
wouldn’t you rather make it on your own merits, instead of letting your father
buy your way in. EVA No,
not really. This way is much quicker. RICK I
guess so. EVA Oh,
I see. You’re one of those guys who
wants to get somewhere on his own sweat and tears. RICK I’d
prefer to skip the sweat and tears, but I’d like to get somewhere on my own, yes. EVA I
hate to tell you, but you aren’t off to a very good start. RICK I’ll
have you know my parents worked hard to give me a good life. I make more in a day than they made in a
month at my age. They are very proud of
me. EVA And
I probably have more in my purse than you make in a month. RICK Probably… EVA And
I didn’t have to work at all for it. RICK Hey,
acting is work. EVA Acting
doesn’t make me this kind of money.
Daddy gives it to me. RICK So how
did he make all his money? EVA Do
you really want to know? RICK Uh,
maybe not. EVA How’s
that saying go, if you can’t handle the fire, don’t play with the oven. RICK (Chuckles) Something
like that. EVA Daddy
is no worse than some of your presidents in this country. Clinton, Nixon, Kennedy… RICK Wait
a minute. I’ll admit some of those guy
had their problems, but Kennedy? EVA He
started the Vietnam War. RICK He
did not. EVA That’s
not what I hear. See, your government
only tells you what they want you to know.
Did you know the RICK No
way. I know that’s not true. EVA It
is true. Everyone in Craphvia knows
it. Daddy was a big hero because he
defeated the evil communists. Your
country supplied the guns and the military training. Without the RICK You’re
serious, aren’t you? The EVA Next
time you go pointing a finger, you remember you got four pointing right back at
you. RICK Okay,
okay. You win. Truce? EVA (Smiles) Sure,
Rick. I know how you feel. I was innocent like you once. My daddy always tried to keep me away from
the action. He never wanted me to know
what really went on. RICK When
did you realize what was going on? EVA When
I kidnapped by some wacko group called the People’s Freedom Revolution
Liberation Party of Craphvia. RICK You
were kidnapped? EVA Daddy
was furious, he made heads roll… literally. (Grows sad) It
was very traumatic. RICK I’m
sure it was. All those people dying… EVA Not
that part… the part about being kidnapped.
They kept me locked up in this little room and didn’t allow me to have
any servants. I had to cut my own food. RICK You’re
joking right? EVA It’s
easier to joke about it, then face the reality, don’t you think? RICK I
see your point. EVA Daddy
decided I was safer in the RICK Sounds
like it. EVA I
feel at home with all the mugging, drugs, and drive by shootings. RICK (Laughs) Good
point. EVA I
refuse to have bodyguards, but I think daddy pays people to keep an eye on
me. He’s very considerate that way. RICK If
you say so… EVA RICK They
should be down any minute. EVA (Points to his computer) What’s
that flashing red screen mean? RICK (Looks at computer) Oh,
no. Stacy’s not going to like this. They’re closing the roads. There’s a big wreck on the I-40… They can’t clear it with the snow this bad…
That means we’re trapped. EVA Trapped? Here? RICK The
police say they won’t open the roads until the snow stops. EVA Here
he comes. (CORBICHOVICH is lead in by CAMI. CAMI is on his arms talking away happily at
him. CORBICHOVICH likes the attention) I
see he wasted no time finding a floozy. RICK (Aside to EVA) Cami
is the floozy’s floozy. CORBICHOVICH I
wish to thank you for… (Focuses on CAMI) …
this most kind welcome. (CAMI does kissy lips at
him. He smiles then looks to others) But
I am tired and wish to go to the hotel. RICK CORBICHOVICH (Waves RICK away) I
will take the tour of your facilities later.
For now, I must rest. EVA (Goes up to
CORBICHOVICH) Welcome,
daddy. CORBICHOVICH Is
that my Eva? You look so much like your
mother all the time. God rest her soul. RICK Your
mother has passed? EVA CORBICHOVICH She
is a saint gone to heaven. CAMI She
must have been very special. CORBICHOVICH She
was so beautiful… just like my Eva. EVA Oh,
daddy. No one was as beautiful as her. CORBICHOVICH Eva. Ride with me to the hotel and we will talk. EVA I’m
afraid we’re stuck here. CORBICHOVICH What? (STACY enters L) EVA It’s
a snowstorm… RICK CORBICHOVICH What?! RICK CORBICHOVICH I
heard you! STACY Please,
sir. Calm down. We’ll figure something out. EVA CORBICHOVICH I
want that snow gone now. I will not
stay here. STACY I’ll
see what I can do. Meanwhile, we’ll do
what we can to make you comfortable while you wait. CAMI (Snuggles up to him) Very
comfortable. CORBICHOVICH (Laughs and winks at
CAMI) Oh,
yes. I suppose we could stay here a
little while. CAMI There’s
just so much to show you. I’ll plan to
give you the full treatment. CORBICHOVICH Oh,
that would be nice. CAMI I’ll
give you everything you deserve… and then some. CORBICHOVICH Oh,
I like this girl. You may take me on a
tour now. CAMI Certainly. (CORBICHOVICH exits with
CAMI) RICK I
thought I’d never say this, but thank goodness for Cami. EVA I
haven’t seen anybody handle him that well since mother. STACY This
is all going wrong. Rick, where’s those
banners? RICK I’m
sorry, Ms. Toredovich, but I didn’t have time… STACY What
were you doing? EVA STACY And
who are you? One of his cheap chicks
from the dance club? RICK Ms.
Toredovich. This is Eva Corbichovich. STACY Yeah,
right and I’m lady liberty. EVA Nice
to meet you, Ms. Liberty. Daddy will be
happy to know you’ve given me such a warm welcome. STACY You’re
not kidding, are you? RICK Nope. STACY (A look of terror. Then does a fake laugh) Well,
I was just kidding you. I’m such a
kidder. EVA Yes,
very funny. Daddy will find it very
amusing. STACY That’s
okay. Oh, you don’t need to tell
him. EVA (To RICK) Hmmm. Daddy hasn’t executed anyone for this level
of incompetence in at least a month. STACY Executed? (Falls to her knees) Please,
Miss Corbichovich. Show mercy. I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you. You changed your hair color and you had on
sunglasses and… I’m so sorry. EVA Tell
you what. I am a fair woman. I will ask Rick here to tell me if you are a
fair person. If he says you are fair,
then I will be fair. STACY (Goes to RICK) Rick,
please. Tell Miss Corbichovich that I’m
a fair person and I’ll give you whatever you want. RICK Anything? STACY Anything. EVA Go
on, Rick. Tell the lady what you
want. She said anything and she is the
regional director. RICK Well,
this is a rather unique opportunity.
What should I ask for? Maybe an
extra vacation day? EVA Think
big, Rick. RICK I
hear the manager of our STACY (Annoyed) Let’s
not get carried away here. EVA STACY (Cowers. Whispers to RICK) Yes,
whatever you want. Please, just help me
out. RICK I
believe Ms. Toredovich is a fair woman.
In fact, she is so happy with my work that she has decided to make me
the AirCraphvia Amarillo manager. EVA (Pats STACY on the back) Excellent
choice. AirCraphvia is lucky to have
him. STACY So
you won’t tell your father? EVA As
long as Rick is happy with you, I’ll be happy with you. If I’m happy, then I don’t need to say
anything. STACY Thank
you. Thank you so much. EVA You
can go away now. STACY Yes,
going away now. Bye. (Exits L) RICK That
was so great! Thank you, Eva. EVA I
must warn you, Rick. I don’t do favors
for free. RICK Oh,
yeah? Then what must I do in return for
this favor? EVA Maybe
dinner, dancing, and a little romancing. RICK Sounds
good to me. EVA And
I think Daddy will be much more amiable to one of his managers dating his
daughter. STACY (Reenters R) Excuse
me… EVA I
thought you were going to go away. STACY But
I thought of a way to get your father to a hotel. EVA How? STACY We
have to find some shovels. RICK What
for? STACY We’re
going to dig a trail to the hotel. RICK But
the hotel is two miles away! STACY So
we better get started. EVA No,
sorry. Rick must stay here and talk to
me. But you may go dig a path. Daddy will be very pleased. STACY Do
you think so? EVA Yes,
he will be thrilled. Maybe he’ll even
give you a bonus! STACY I
better get started then. (Rushes off excitedly R) RICK She’s
nuts. There’s no way she’ll be able to
do it. EVA But
it will keep her busy for awhile. RICK You
know, I don’t like her much, but it isn’t very nice to send her out there like
that. EVA A
man with a conscious… that’s so cute. RICK I’m
not trying to be cute. EVA You
just can’t help it. I’ll bet the ladies
can’t control themselves around you. RICK More
than you know. EVA And
men worship me. See, we have so much in
common. RICK Men? You mean like lots of men? EVA Two
or three… dozen. Maybe more. They are always after me. Wanting my number, wanting my address,
wanting to marry me… It’s no big deal. RICK I
thought I had problems. EVA Us
beautiful people need to stick together.
(Smiles at RICK) I’m anxious for
daddy to get to know you. I think he
will like you too. RICK Here’s
my chance. CAMI (Leads CORBICHOVICH in
L) And
here we have our check in area… CORBICHOVICH Hmm,
very modern. In Craphvia, we don’t have
computers at the airport yet. They keep
bugging me to get a radar too but it’s so expensive. CAMI (Takes CORBICHOVICH over
to a computer terminal) This
is where I work. (She gets in a sexy
pose) CORBICHOVICH (Eyes CAMI) Very
nice. CAMI And
that wraps up our tour. Any questions? CORBICHOVICH (Looking at CAMI) Just
one question? Are you free for dinner
tonight? CAMI Yes,
and dessert… (CORBICHOVICH laughs
coyly) RICK I
suppose we better get back to work. CAMI CORBICHOVICH Besides,
I think Cami has worked very hard today.
She needs the rest of the day off. CAMI CORBICHOVICH Why
so formal? You may call me by my
nickname: (CAMI giggles and RICK rolls her eyes. STACY stumbles in covered in snow and
shivering) RICK Are
you okay? STACY
C…c…
ccccold. RICK I’ll
get you something hot to drink. (Rushes off R) CORBICHOVICH The
snow is bad? STACY S…
s… ssssooo bbbbad. CORBICHOVICH Are
we stuck here? STACY I… I’m
affffraid ssso. CORBICHOVICH This
is utterly ridiculous. It’s not supposed
to do this here. How long until it
melts? STACY T…
t… tomorrow mmmaybe. CORBICHOVICH Tomorrow? This is an outrage. I’m not sleeping in an airport. RICK (Returns with cup) Here’s
some coffee for you. (STACY drinks) CAMI Don’t
worry, CORBICHOVICH (Smiles at her) Well,
maybe it won’t be all bad. RICK (To STACY) Now
if we can keep him occupied with Cami long enough, we’ll survive this. STACY I’m
not giving up yet. I’m calling all the
car rentals agencies in town. We’ll find
the biggest SUV they have and drive him out. RICK Good
idea. I’ll go call. EVA I’ll
come with you. (RICK and EVA exit R) STACY (Looks at hands) I
need more coffee. I still can’t feel my
fingers. (STACY exits R) CAMI Did
you notice? I think Eva has a thing for
Rick. CORBICHOVICH And
I have a thing for you. (Kisses her hand) CAMI I
have a secret. CORBICHOVICH Oh,
yes? I like secrets. CAMI I
know a way out of here. CORBICHOVICH You
do? CAMI There’s
an emergency tunnel that connects us to an old bomb shelter. That bomb shelter connects us to several
hotels. We could go get a room… CORBICHOVICH Excellent! Let’s go. CAMI Follow
me and I’ll be sure to give you a tour you’ll never forget. (CORBICHOVICH and CAMI exit
L) ACT II Scene 1 (for two act play) ACT II Scene 2 (for three act play) RICK (Returns from R with
EVA) Where
did your father go? EVA Who
cares? RICK Off
with Cami again, no doubt. EVA He
is rather taken with her. I haven’t seen
him this enchanted with anyone since mother. RICK I
must admit I’m feeling a little enchanted myself. EVA (Smiling) Oh,
really? I hadn’t noticed. RICK Do
you think I have a chance with your father? EVA You’re
not his type. RICK No,
I mean will he like me? Will he let you
see me? EVA Actually,
I lied about that. RICK What? EVA Don’t
be mad, Rick. I tell all the guys that
when I first meet them. You must
understand. It’s my way of letting guys down
gently. RICK So
you don’t really like me? EVA No,
I do like you. I just had to make sure. (Circles around and
checks out his rear) Now
I’m sure. RICK I
can’t tell you how happy I am I don’t have to get your father’s
permission. I doubt he’d think much of
me. EVA I
don’t care what he thinks. I do what I
want. I’m a liberated woman. (Motions him closer) And
I have a secret. RICK Yeah? EVA I’m
a communist. RICK What?! EVA Sh,
quiet. I don’t want him to know. Not yet anyway. RICK But
your father kills communists. EVA Maybe
it’s my way of rebelling or maybe I care about the people of Craphvia. I’m leaning toward the rebelling part. RICK Wait. This doesn’t fit. You act like you love money. Communists give it all away. EVA Not
the people in power. They are the
richest of all. See, what they do is get
all the people to give up their money to the government to be shared among
everyone. The government collects it all
and then gives some of it back and keeps the rest. It’s the greatest set up since monarchies. RICK That’s
horrible. EVA Oh,
it’s those cute little ethics again. RICK If
you weren’t so incredible, I’m not sure I’d like you very much. EVA That
has to be one of the strangest compliments I’ve ever had, but I’ll take it. RICK Sorry,
I hope I didn’t offend you… EVA It
takes a lot to offend me. (Looks R) Oh,
great. Here comes crazy lady. Maybe I’ll go look for daddy. (Exits L) STACY (Returns R) What’s
going on? Did you find a big SUV? RICK No,
all the SUV’s were rented the minute the snow hit. STACY I
should have thought about it sooner.
I’m so stupid. RICK Don’t
be so hard on yourself. You can’t
predict snow. STACY You’re
too kind, Rick. (Stops) No,
you’re not too kind. What’s the deal
with Eva? RICK What
do you mean? STACY She
blackmailed me into giving you the manager’s job. RICK Yeah,
sorry about that. STACY You
better watch out, buddy, because the minute she takes a dislike to you, you’re
fired. RICK Look,
Stacy… STACY Ms.
Toredovich… RICK Ms.
Toredovich. I’m sorry if we got off on
the wrong foot. I promise you that when
this is all over I will prove to you that I can be as good a manager as any of
your other regional offices. STACY (Sighs) Yes,
we did get off on the wrong foot. What
you did to me was only fair after what I tried to do to you. I can’t believe I was hitting on you like
that. (Makes fun of herself) Care
to have some wine with me? Care to take
off your shirt? RICK Uh,
you didn’t say that last part. STACY That
was for later. RICK Oh. STACY I’m
kidding. I do joke sometimes despite
what my evil twin said earlier. I
honestly had nothing more planned than a nice drink to calm our nerves. Plus, I do like you. You’re a kind, good-looking man. It’s so hard not to take advantage of my
position. RICK Nothing
happened so don’t worry about it. STACY And
I won’t hold a grudge about the manager thing.
I’ll give you the same consideration I give my other managers. RICK I
appreciate that. STACY (Looks around) Where’s
Corbichovich? RICK We
lost track of him. STACY You
what? RICK I’m
sure he hasn’t gone far. STACY Oh,
no. I have to know where he is. What am I going to tell the agents when they
show up? RICK The
agents? STACY FBI
agents. The FBI is going to monitor
Corbichovich during his visit. They say
he’s had several death threats from the People’s Freedom Revolution Liberation
Party of Craphvia. RICK I
keep hearing about those guys. They
certainly have it out for the Corbichovich family. STACY I
wish the FBI would get here before something happens… if it hasn’t happened
already. (Sighs) I
guess we should go look for him. RICK He
can’t have gone far in this snowstorm.
Besides, he’s probably with Cami in some supply closet. CAMI (Enters with EVA) Hi,
everyone. EVA I
found her at some store trying to steal some chocolate. CAMI I
was going to pay for it. EVA But
the store was closed. CAMI I was
going to pay when the store opened again tomorrow. STACY Where’s
Corbichovich? CAMI Beats
me. EVA I
thought you were with him. CAMI He
was and now he’s not. What’s the big
deal? STACY He’s
gone. That’s the big deal. CAMI Gone? Where? STACY We
don’t know. That’s what we’re trying to
figure out. RICK When
did you see him last? CAMI He
went to the little dictator’s room and I haven’t seen him since. EVA Little
dictator’s room? RICK Bathroom. EVA What? RICK It’s
a joke. EVA I
don’t get it. CAMI Certainly
not often enough. EVA Now
look here… STACY Please,
you two. We have a problem here. We need to figure out what’s happened to
Corbichovich. RICK Maybe
he’s stuck on the throne. If he forgot
to put down the seat he might really be wedged in there. I’ll check it out. (RICK exits L) STACY First
the snowstorm. Now this. Corbichovich
will have me executed for sure. CAMI It
wouldn’t be the first time he executed somebody for something stupid. EVA How
can you talk about my daddy that way? CAMI EVA So
daddy goes a little crazy sometimes… you still shouldn’t make fun of him. STACY Ladies,
please. Let’s keep this civil okay. EVA She
started it. CAMI I’ll
finish it too, baby. EVA That’s
it. (Goes after CAMI. STACY stops EVA) STACY Will
you stop?! (Holds EVA as CAMI makes
faces at EVA. EVA struggles to get loose) I
said stop. (Slaps EVA) CAMI Nice
one. EVA (Touches her cheek) You’re
dead for sure now. STACY Go
ahead and make your threats. We’re in
the good old CAMI She’s
right, little girl. They throw
foreigners in jail the EVA Both
of you are history. The minute Daddy
gets back here, I’ll take care of you.
I’ll have him transfer you both to Craphvia and then strung up. CAMI I
wonder if Rick has seen this side of you.
It ain’t pretty. EVA That
fool is so smitten I doubt he’d care what I did. STACY Rick
is a really nice guy. It’s a shame he’d
waste himself on you. EVA Why? Do you think he go for someone like you? (Laughs) Talk
about Beauty and the Beast. CAMI Please,
let me kill her. We can hide her body in
an airport locker. Nobody ever checks
those things. They’ll never find her. STACY Tempting. RICK (Reenters L) No
constipated dictators in the bathroom. (Sees women looking
annoyed) Everything
okay? CAMI We’re
fine. Just some girl talk. EVA (Starts to get teary
eyed) RICK Please
don’t cry. (Goes to her) We’ll
find your father, I promise. EVA (Hugs him) Oh,
thank you, Rick. (Gives women an acid
look over his shoulder) At
least someone cares. RICK (Takes her hands. Looks deeply into her eyes) I
do care, very much. EVA (Sniffles) Thank
you, Rick. You are so kind as to give
comfort in my time of loss. RICK Come,
I’ll make you some nice warm milk. That
will calm you. EVA Or
maybe some cocoa? RICK Yes,
I think we have cocoa… I’ll go get it
for you. (Rushes off R) EVA (Looks at STACY and
CAMI) I was
only pretending to cry. I’m very good,
aren’t I? (Smiles) Rick
is so cute. STACY (Getting a little
jealous) I
hadn’t noticed. EVA At
least one person is going to keep his job around here. You two could learn a lesson or two from him. (She follows RICK R) Coming
Rick! CAMI Is
it just me or do you feel like we’re in a soap opera? STACY
I
don’t want to talk about it. CAMI Now
I know it’s a soap opera. STACY Can
we change the subject please? CAMI So
what do you want to talk about? STACY Maybe
you can help me figure out what happened to Corbichovich? CAMI The
man is a murderer. I have a hard time
caring. STACY Don’t
get all ethical on me please. We have a
job to do here. CAMI You
know what? I’m sick and tired of all
this. I quit. STACY You
can’t quit. CAMI Last
time I checked this isn’t Craphvia. This
is a free country. I can quit if I want
to. STACY Fine,
go ahead and quit. Rick and I have
things under control. Who needs you? CAMI If
you change your mind, I’ll be eating chocolate over there. (Exits L) RICK (Enters R with cup) I
make Eva some cocoa and now she doesn’t even want it. Thirsty? STACY I’d
love some. Thank you. Just looking at
that snow outside makes me cold. RICK So
what do we do now? STACY We
have to figure out some way of finding Corbichovich. RICK We’ve
checked all over the entire airport. I
don’t know where else we can look. STACY Let’s
assume he didn’t wander off into the snow. RICK Good
assumption. He didn’t seem to like the
snow much. STACY So
that means someone had to take him hostage and hide him in the airport
somewhere. RICK Okay,
but who would do that? STACY Not
counting the dozen or so strangers in the airport at this late hour, that
leaves four suspects. RICK Four? STACY Eva,
Cami, you and I. But I’m assuming you
and I didn’t do it. RICK Why
not us? STACY What
would be our motivation? RICK You
know that Corbichovich might fire you since you treated his daughter so badly. STACY But
if Corbichovich disappears, EVA becomes the new Craphvian leader. She hates me more than him. I’d rather take my chances with the old
dictator. RICK Good
point. STACY Then
there’s you. If you think about it, you
have a motive too. RICK Not
really. STACY Actually
you do now that I think about it. RICK I
do not. STACY If Eva
becomes the new Craphvian leader, she could advance you more quickly through
the ranks of AirCraphvia. RICK Okay,
you’ve got a point. But I didn’t do
it. Honest. STACY And
neither did I. RICK Fine. What about our two other suspects? Cami doesn’t seem to have much of a motive. STACY Nor
the brains to back her up. CAMI Someone
talking about me? I feel my ears
burning. RICK We’re
trying to figure out what happened to Corbichovich. CAMI And
you think I did it? STACY No,
you have fewer motives than Rick here. CAMI So
Rick did it? Shame on you. RICK No,
I didn’t do it. CAMI I’ll
bet it was that Eva girl. RICK Would
Eva abduct her own father? STACY I agree
with Cami. She’s our most likely
suspect. RICK But
she wouldn’t… (He stops, unsure) CAMI See,
you agree with us. STACY It
makes sense RICK. She stands to gain
the most from her father’s disappearance. RICK I
wish I could defend her, but from what I’ve already learned about her… CAMI Poor,
Rick. He doesn’t want his sweetie to be
a ruthless kidnapper. RICK How
can someone so beautiful do such an ugly thing? CAMI It’s
hard to be beautiful and have a heart of gold. (Smiles) I’m
lucky I guess. STACY So
our main suspects is Eva. Once the FBI
gets here... CAMI FBI?! RICK (Hushes her) Shh. Keep it down, Cami. (Looks around. No one is around) CAMI Why
is the FBI coming here? STACY To
protect Corbichovich. CAMI Well,
they're a bit late for that. RICK What
are they going to do if they get here and find out he's gone? STACY Arrest
us as suspects no doubt. CAMI Maybe
that snow isn't so bad. I think I'll be
going. RICK You're
staying here to help us look for Corbichovich. STACY I
suggest we divide and conquer. Cami and
I will question people in the airport.
Rick, you talk to Eva. RICK But
that could be dangerous if she's the one who did it. What if she gets suspicious? STACY If
he disappears, then we’ll know we found the right person. RICK That
doesn’t make me feel better. STACY I’ll
try to be nearby in case something happens. RICK Why
do I have to talk to her? STACY I
think you’re the only one she’ll talk to. CAMI She
don’t like us too much. RICK Okay,
fine. STACY Good
luck. Let's go, Cami. (CAMI and STACY exit R) RICK What
am I going to say to Eva? Judging by
what she has already told me she’s a good suspect. I know she’s part of some communist
movement. Plus if her father
disappears, she becomes the next dictator with all the power and money that
goes along with it. EVA There
you are, Rick. RICK (Nervous) Oh,
hi, Eva. RICK Guess
I better get back to work. (Heads for computer) EVA (Stops RICK) Come
talk with me. I’m bored. RICK Eva… EVA (Bats her eyes) Yes,
Rick? RICK I
don’t know how to say this… EVA What’s
wrong? RICK There’s
something I’ve been wondering… EVA Perhaps
you were wondering why I’m so beautiful, so talented, so… sexy. (Moves close) RICK (Flustered) Uh…
well… EVA (Sighs and backs off) Tell
me what’s going on. RICK Might
as well get to the point. EVA Please. RICK Did
you abduct your father? EVA That’s
what you’re worried about? RICK You
do stand to gain the most from his disappearance. EVA You
know how long a dictator lasts in Craphvia?
If I were lucky, I’d be president for a year before someone made me
disappear. RICK But
your father’s army? EVA They
won’t be loyal to me, especially after they find out I’m a communist. RICK I
thought you were going to lead some glorious revolution for the people. EVA It
sounded good until daddy disappeared.
Now I’m not so sure. Maybe I’ll
just put some other communist leader in charge and let them get killed. RICK But
what about all that money you’ve dreamed of? EVA I’ll
be sure to take all that with me. The
communists won’t be needing it. RICK That
means you still have a motive. Money. EVA Rick,
I’m not a good person like you, but I’m no kidnapper. (Moves in closer) Is
there anything I can do to convince you? RICK I…
I don’t think that’s a good idea. EVA But
aren’t you attracted to me? RICK You’re
good looking and all, but you certainly don’t have a heart of gold. EVA (Moves away from RICK) So
I’m not a saint like my mother. So
what? I got her looks and daddy
cunning. RICK Have
you done anything as horrible as your father? EVA I’ve
stabbed plenty of people in the back but never with a knife. I’m an actress. Cunning comes in handy. (Looks off R) Oh,
there's Stacy and Cami, coming to spoil all our fun. STACY Hi,
you two. What’s going on? Everything okay? EVA It
was fine until you two came along. CAMI I
told you nothing was wrong. Let's go. EVA What
do you mean? Were you watching us? STACY (Giving CAMI a dirty
look) No,
we were not. CAMI No,
we were just watching out for Rick. EVA What's
going on here? STACY Fine,
look. Since we've totally messed this
up, let's be honest with her. EVA Honest
with me? About what? (They look at each
other. RICK sighs) RICK We
decided you are the one who took Corbichovich so they wanted me to get you to
confess about it. EVA I
already told you. I didn't do it. (STACY and CAMI are
suspicious. EVA looks at RICK) You
believe me, don't you? RICK Yes,
I believe you. CAMI Rick,
Rick, Rick. The flesh is weak... EVA Look. Instead of fighting why don't we help each
other figure this out. If I do anything
strange, you can take me to security. STACY Fine,
fine. But you watch yourself... CAMI Yeah...
you be careful or else. EVA Or
else what? CAMI (Thinks) Or
no chocolates for you. (Smiles) Speaking
of... I'm going to go find me some. (Exits L) STACY She
has a one-track mind. RICK So
if we eliminate Eva has our suspected kidnapper… STACY I
didn’t know we did. EVA Since
we’re pointing fingers, what about you, Ms. Regional Manager? STACY Me? I don’t have a motive. EVA (Circles round STACY
giving a good look over) Not
that is obvious to us. But if we do some
digging, maybe we can find something. STACY I
have nothing to hide. EVA Hey,
Rick. Haven’t you noticed those strange
bulges in her skirt? STACY Excuse
me? Just because I don’t work out with
a personal trainer like you doesn’t give you the right to make comments on my
hips. EVA Drop
the act. You’re hiding something. (Goes at her) STACY (Holds her off) Hands
off. RICK (Tries to get in between
them) Ladies,
please! (The three fall behind counter. Fight can have the occasional person pop up
only to be pulled down again. After a
moment of screaming and yelling, EVA jumps out victorious) EVA I
knew it. You have a gun. RICK (Comes out) A
gun? STACY (Comes out zipping up
her skirt) Give
me that. EVA (Keeps gun) What
are you doing with a gun? STACY This
is EVA No
way. I’m calling security. STACY Fine. Go right ahead. (EVA walks off to side,
pulls out a cell phone and calls) RICK (To STACY) You’re
not even from STACY I
had orders from the big guys to keep Corbichovich safe by any mean
necessary. That means I need to be
prepared. (EVA comes back very
annoyed) No
luck with security? EVA They
said you had special clearance or something. STACY May
I have the gun back now? EVA (Thinks) How
about a game of Craphvian roulette? RICK Is
that like Russian roulette? STACY It
is except in Craphvian roulette you only take out one bullet instead of leaving
only one in. The odds aren’t very good. RICK I
wouldn’t think so. EVA Wanna
play? STACY If
you go first. EVA (Hands back gun) You’re
no fun. STACY Back
to searching for your father. EVA Again? We looked everywhere except outside in the
snow. STACY I
have a shovel if you want to search there too. RICK Have
you checked the security tapes? STACY Great
idea. They have cameras everywhere.
Let’s go. (They exit as lights fade
to black) ACT II Scene 2
(for two act play) ACT III Scene
1 (for three act play) (Same setting as ACT I,
Scene 1) RICK What
do we do now? We've searched
everywhere. And security isn’t done
looking over the tapes. I’m going crazy
waiting for something to happen. EVA Maybe
we should check out my father’s luggage for clues. RICK Good
idea. I’ll go get them. (RICK exits R) EVA He
hops right to it, doesn’t he? He’d make
a good servant. STACY Servant? That’s all you can see him doing? He was way more potential than that. EVA Hardly. He comes from a poor family. Farm workers!
I can’t imagine anything worse than doing a job in the dirt. STACY Wait
a minute. You act like you really have a
thing for him. EVA Act. That’s all I’m doing. STACY So
you don’t like, Rick? EVA I
like him for what he can do for me right now.
When he no longer can serve a function, I’ll move on. STACY I
don’t know if I should boo or applaud. EVA You
understand then don’t you? Men serve a
purpose, but hang around way too long after they’ve served that purpose. Navajo women have it right. I spent a lot of time on the reservation
preparing for my last role in a tv movie.
See I was playing this latino woman captured by Indians in the early
1800’s… STACY Is
there a point to this story? EVA (Annoyed) Yes,
I’ll get to the point. See, the Navajo
women own their homes, they are in charge of the family and when they are tired
of the men, they put their belongings on the doorstep and send them on their
way. STACY I
think someone was pulling your leg. That
can’t be real. EVA Who
cares? I like the idea. Stories can speak the truth and later become
reality. STACY I’m
getting the impression that reality is not your strong point. EVA Many
great leaders didn’t face reality. If
Napoleon had faced the reality that he was too short, he never would have been
a great leader. If Martin Luther King
hadn’t had a dream… STACY You’re
no Martin Luther King, Jr. EVA You’re
missing my point. STACY I
don’t need a point. I need a drink. (Exits R as RICK enters
with two suitcases) RICK (Sets suitcases DC) What’s
with Stacy? EVA Who
cares? (Opens one suitcase) Let’s
see what we can find that might help us. RICK (Can’t open other
suitcase) Do
you know the combination to this one? EVA RICK (Gets it open) That’s
not very clever. EVA Actually
it is. No one would think he’d use such
a stupid combination. RICK (Pulls out weird objects
such as a rubber duck, whip, bunny slippers) What
is all this stuff? EVA So
he has a few quirks. Who doesn’t? RICK (Pulls out pink bra) Um…
well… can’t say I have anything like this in my wardrobe. EVA (Holds up envelope) Here’s
something. (Reads outside) To
Eva. Open in case of emergency… RICK Open
it. I think this qualifies as an
emergency. EVA I
guess so. (Opens envelope and
reads letter) Dear
Eva. If you open this envelope, I must
be in danger or dead. You must… (Stops reading) RICK What
does it say? EVA (Puts letter away) Nothing. RICK Come
on, Eva. It could be important. EVA It’s
private okay? I don’t want to tell you. (Holds letter behind her
back) RICK How
can I help you and your father if you won’t let me? (CAMI enters L with bag
of chocolates) EVA CAMI (Snatches envelope) What’s
this? EVA Give
that back. CAMI (Takes letter from
envelope and EVA tries to grab it) Dearest
Baby Girl… EVA It
doesn’t say that. CAMI This
is interesting. RICK What? EVA Who’s
side are you on? RICK You
made it pretty clear I’m not on your side. CAMI (Holds out letter) She’s
just been made the dictator of Craphvia. (EVA snatches letter
away) RICK That’s
what you didn’t want to reveal. EVA But
it’s only temporary until father is found. CAMI If
he’s ever found. EVA CAMI You
have just been made one of the most powerful women in Craphvia and you want me to
feel sorry for you? EVA But
I don’t want it… RICK Is
there someone else that could do it? EVA The
letter says I’m the only one he trusts.
I must do it until we know his fate.
If he’s only missing and I turn over the government to someone else, he
may never get power back again.NOTE
Scenes
The play may be
divided into two or three acts. See
notes throughout the script for recommendations on intermissions for both.
ACT I Scene 1
What are the chances it will happen again?
What's wrong?
You pop the top and you can’t stop… kind of like me.
…easy to persuade.
I’m so happy we aren’t in Craphvia.
I don't know, but you sure made her mad.
What’s going on?
I’m sorry, Ms. Toredovich. I tried to
keep him away, but men just lose control around me.
Anyway, she’ll be arriving here to meet her father and I want you to make her
feel at home while she waits.
I knew I could count on you.
No, I like women. I really do. Call me crazy, but I just don’t like to
sleep with every woman that comes along.
So how did you know who I was?
I wonder where’s the big dictator is?
Uh, sir…
She died a few years back. The people of Craphvia miss her a great deal.
The roads are closed…
The roads…
I think we’ll just have to relax here until the snow melts.
He was talking to me.
Don’t worry. I’m sure daddy will
understand. First, the snowstorm. I know and you know that you have no control
over snow, but daddy doesn’t think that way.
And insulting his daughter. His
last remnant of the woman he cherished more than life…
What was that?
What for? We’re snowed in. No planes are going in or out.
Oh, you say the sweetest things, Mr. President.
Ask him? He wouldn’t deny it. He thinks it’s funny. He was just joking about executing some guy
for painting a palace patio the wrong shade of pink.
This is bad. Now I’m getting
worried. Daddy doesn’t usually disappear
like this.
(Enters L)
(Smiles)
We don’t need any help.
(Stares daggers at
RICK)
If I were you, Rick, I’d get on her side.
I appreciate you trying to make me feel better.