Baklavia a free play by D. M. Larson

GENERAL: [m] An old general that experienced the glory of battle a long, long time ago.

KANDID: (Clint Kandid) [m] Photographer from National Geographic who likes the ladies and loves his camera.

BOLONIOUS: [m] Younger brother of Paradiez and business manager for the factory who knows more about coffee than finances.

CLENIOUS: [m] Strange cousin of Venesa who works at the factory and loves to make up songs.

FLEMULOUS: [m] Worker at the factory who brings in news from the outside world.

TAXER: [m] Delivers tax notices and becomes the Greek government representative in the conflict with the factory.

UN: (United Nations representative) [f] Brings an odd relief package for the factory.

DOCTOR: [f] Becomes lost on the way to a medical convention and ends up helping the wounded.

THE SOLDIERS:

LIEUTENANT [f]: Unsure leader of the troops

CAPTAIN [f]: By the book, overseer of the operation

FLO: [f] Loves a good joke

MOE: [m] Thinks he's too cool to be a soldier

JOE: [m] Along for the ride

Time and Place

A small, isolated pastry factory in present day Northern Greece.

ACT I Scene 1

(Lights come up on a simple factory that makes pastries.

This pastry factory is in a small ccorner of Northern

Greece and is somewhat isolated between the hills that

surround it. The owners and workers enjoy this isolation

and the only contact they care to hhave is when they sell

their pastries. Lights come up when there is some loud

knocking at the main entrance R. PARADIEZ enters

sleepily from upstairs doorway UC)

PARADIEZ

I'm coming. I'm coming. Quit your knocking. I hear you.

TAXER

(Calling)

I've been knocking forever.

PARADIEZ

(Opens door)

Not possible. Forever is a very long time.

(Pulls TAXER in)

Come in. Come sit down. Bit early for customers, but no matter.

(Goes for plate of pastries on counter)

TAXER

Well, you see, I'm not...

PARADIEZ

Here is our sampler plate. These are all of our best pastries. Enjoy.

TAXER

(Looks at pastries)

I will. Thank you.

PARADIEZ

So how did you hear about our pastry factory?

TAXER

Well, I...

PARADIEZ

No, let me guess.

(TAXER relaxes)

You heard our ad on the radio?

(TAXER nods while chewing)

Wonderful. Cousin Clenious was right. A snappy tune would bring the customers in. Let's see, how does it go?

(To tune of "Beverly Hillbillies")

"Well, come to our store to get yourself fed;

Our wonderful pastries come in blue, brown, and red..." Or something like that. Isn't that clever?

TAXER

Oh, yes. Quite.

PARADIEZ

I'm so glad we brought him back with us from America. See, that's where I'm from, if you couldn't tell.

TAXER

Your English is very good.

PARADIEZ

So is yours.

TAXER

I studied in England.

PARADIEZ

So did I. Wow. Small world.

TAXER

(Enjoying pastries. Willing to let PARADIEZ ramble)

Yes.

PARADIEZ

England. That's where I met my wife. She's from Greece like you. At first we lived in America but the pastry business wasn't so hot there so we decided to move to my wife's birthplace. And business has been good, not wonderful, but good. I worry about my daughter though. I think she really misses the old US of A. I think she'd really like to go back again.

(TAXER is eating still)

I'm sorry I must be boring you. So how do you like our pastries?

TAXER

Incredible. Never had any like them.

PARADIEZ

(Goes for order pad)

How many can I wrap up for you?

TAXER

(Nervous)

Well, I... didn't come to buy pastries.

PARADIEZ

How's that again?

PARADIEZ

I'm here with a notice from the government.

(Holds out a paper)

PARADIEZ

You mean you sat there the whole time and didn't tell me why you were here?

TAXER

You didn't ask. And those pastries were quite good....

PARADIEZ

You thief! Get out! Now!

TAXER

The government says I can't go until I deliver this letter.

PARADIEZ

Sorry. I don't want it.

TAXER

What do you mean you don't want it?

PARADIEZ

If it's from the government, I don't want it. It can't be anything worth hearing. They never buy my pastries. They have never had any use for my factory except when they want to tax it. And I have paid my taxes, so good-bye.

(Proceeds to push him out)

TAXES

(Struggles)

You haven't!

PARADIEZ

(Stops)

Haven't what?

TAXES

(Gives paper)

Paid your taxes.

(Turns to go)

Good-bye.

PARADIEZ

(Reads paper)

What?!! This can't be!

(Grabs TAXER)

Don't you move from this spot 'til I find out what's going on.

TAXER

It seems pretty clear to me. You paid the old tax. There's a new one. Pay the difference. Good day.

PARADIEZ

(Picks up a pastry gun)

Freeze, Tax Person. Don't make another move. I'm serious here.

TAXER

(Hardly upset)

Look. I had a job to do. I did it. I didn't make the tax, you know.

ECLESTRA

(Comes out sleepily)

What is it, dear?

PARADIEZ

(Upset)

But this can't be. This could be the end for us.

ECLESTRA

(Mildly worried)

Did the lemon filling run out again? Don't worry, we can get some more. Remember our motto: the more filling, the more willing.

(TAXER helps himself to more pastries)

PARADIEZ

That's not our motto.

ECLESTRA

Well, I think it should be.

PARADIEZ

The last thing we need is a new motto. The government would probably tax that too.

ECLESTRA

What are you talking about? We paid our taxes.

PARADIEZ

We paid what the taxes used to be. The government went and raised them 200% for businesses. We're ruined.

ECLESTRA

Let me see that.

(Looks at letter)

They can't do this now.

(To TAXER)

We had no warning.

TAXER

Don't look at me. I'm the final notice.

ECLESTRA

They can't just spring it on us like this.

(Pause)

Unless we did have warning.

PARADIEZ

Huh?

ECLESTRA

(Screams)

Bolonious! Bolonious, come out here NOW!

BOLONIOUS

(Comes out, tired)

You screamed?

ECLESTRA

Do you know anything about this?

BOLONIOUS

(Goes to her)

About what?

ECLESTRA

The new taxes.

BOLONIOUS

(Looks at paper)

I've been meaning to tell you about that.

ECLESTRA

So, you do know!

BOLONIOUS

I didn't want to alarm you, that's all.

ECLESTRA

Too late. I'm pretty alarmed.

BOLONIOUS

I think I need some coffee.

ECLESTRA

Don't change the subject.

BOLONIOUS

(Almost whiney)

Coffee first please.

PARADIEZ

Saphrin! Coffee, please.

TAXER

How many people sleep up there anyway?

ECLESTRA

We're a small company. We all share a room. We have to cut corners to survive.

PARADIEZ

We were able to get on before this. But what now?

BOLONIOUS

You hired me to be your business manager and I will find a way for us to manage.

PARADIEZ

Then we can pay our taxes?

BOLONIOUS

Uh, not exactly.

ECLESTRA

I knew we should never have hired your brother.

PARADIEZ

My brother is a very capable and driven professional. Once he sets his mind on something, he doesn't give up until it gets done.

BOLONIOUS

Where is that coffee?

PARADIEZ

Saphrin!

SAPHRIN

(Comes out of bedroom)

I heard you! Coffee doesn't appear out of thin air. You have to make it first.

(Heads for kitchen door L)

TAXER

Could I perhaps get a cup too while I'm waiting?

(SAPHRIN ignores him. TAXER shrugs and eats more)

ECLESTRA

(Grabs BOLONIOUS)

Coffee or no coffee. You are going to tell us what's going on.

BOLONIOUS

I didn't want to worry you until I came up with an idea. There has to be a way to get around it. I'm not a worthy business manager if I can't find a way around taxes.

PARADIEZ

So you have a plan?

BOLONIOUS

Uh... yes...

(Blanks out)

It will come to me.

ECLESTRA

(To TAXER)

There must be something we could do?

TAXER

Perhaps you could pay them in pastries.

PARADIEZ

We'd never make enough pastries to pay this.

TAXER

Too bad.

ECLESTRA

(Grabs a pastry from him)

Quit eating our capital!

PARADIEZ

(VENESA comes from room)

Let him eat. We'll have to get rid of it all anyway. Our baking days are over.

VENESA

What's going on?

PARADIEZ

This messenger brings tragic news, my daughter.

ECLESTRA

(Arm around VENESA. CLENIOUS appears from above)

The government has raised our taxes 200%.

CLENIOUS

That doesn't sound good. Maybe I should go back to bed.

(Lingers and listens)

PARADIEZ

There's no way we can pay. And I wanted all this to be yours one day. Now I won't be able to give you anything.

TAXER

This is starting to get depressing.

PARADIEZ

See what problems you bring. You think you are only doing "a job." But actually you are serving death notices. Death to business. Death by taxes.

BOLONIOUS

That would have been a more moving speech...

(Finishes with volume)

...WITH SOME COFFEE.

SAPHRIN

(Comes out with cups on a tray)

Here's your stinking coffee. Fresh from the microwave. Hope you choke on it.

TAXER

(Takes a cup)

Charming service.

(SAPHRIN takes the cup just before he can drink it)

SAPHRIN

That's not for you.

BOLONIOUS

(Sleepily takes cup and sips. Eyes get big. Sings)

Goooooooood MORNING!

(Drinks the rest down)

Oh, yes!

ECLESTRA

Any ideas now?

BOLONIOUS

(Drinks another cup)

Of course.

(Drinks rest)

There's no way we can pay these taxes and still stay in business so I came up with a plan. There is one way to keep from paying taxes.

PARADIEZ

There is?

VENESA

I knew Bolonious would come through.

TAXER

I've got to hear this.

PARADIEZ

(Threatens with pastry gun)

Quiet!

CLENIOUS

(Runs down)

Don't shoot!

TAXER

Thank you.

CLENIOUS

I just don't want any messes around here. I'm the one who has to clean it up.

ECLESTRA

So what can we do, Bolonious?

BOLONIOUS

We simply form our own country.

ECLESTRA

What?

PARADIEZ

That would work?

TAXER

You can't do that.

SAPHRIN

No one asked you.

VENESA

I've always wanted to live in a foreign country.

ECLESTRA

Could we do that?

BOLONIOUS

If everyone who lived in the new country agreed.

PARADIEZ

All in favor?

ALL

(Except TAXER)

Aye!

BOLONIOUS

We're a new country.

(Everyone dances and cheers. They sing and dance to

strange little tune at the direction of CLENIOUS)

TAXER

(Yelling over noise)

Wait a minute.

(Louder)

Wait a minute!

(They stop)

You can't do this.

BOLONIOUS

(They stop by degrees)

And why not? Countries are doing it all the time. Look at the Soviet Union. I can't count how many countries have broken away from Mother Russia.

VENESA

And the government has committed a great injustice. We have every right to break away.

TAXER

You're all crazy.

VENESA

That's what they said about the United States. They're doing pretty well now.

TAXER

Trust me. You're no United States.

BOLONIOUS

(Excited)

This is great. We'll get all sorts of media attention. Our sales will go sky high. We'll make a fortune.

VENESA

Then we can pay our taxes.

SAPHRIN

Why would we want to do that?

VENESA

As a sign of good will. No one could deny us our independence then.

PARADIEZ

I never knew I had such a wise daughter.

VENESA

I've never had a chance to use it. There's only so much wisdom one can use when making pastries.

PARADIEZ

Now we need a name for our new country.

CLENIOUS

Let's name it after something we bake at our factory.

SAPHRIN

Strudleville?

ECLESTRA

Pitaburg?

VENESA

I know. Baklavia.

PARADIEZ

Baklavia. That's perfect. Baklavia it is!

ALL

(Except you know who)

Hurray!

PARADIEZ

This calls for a celebration.

SAPHRIN

Must everything call for a celebration?

PARADIEZ

Come now, Saphrin. Do you think any new country was born without a celebration? Fire up the stoves. Call all our friends. It's party time!

TAXER

Can I go now?

VENESA

I don't see why not?

TAXER

Thank you.

BOLONIOUS

I don't know. Once our friend here gets back, everyone will know what's going on.

TAXER

But if I don't go back, they'll also wonder.

PARADIEZ

He has a point.

VENESA

This a peaceful breakaway. No prisoners. No violence.

BOLONIOUS

This will be a short revolution then.

ECLESTRA

Venesa is right. If we fight, we're done for. This isn't like a hundred years ago, when revolutions were bloody. Peace is the way to fight in the modern world.

BOLONIOUS

Keep him!

ECLESTRA

Let him go.

BOLONIOUS

No!

ECLESTRA

Yes!

TAXER

Good-bye!

(He runs out)

BOLONIOUS

(To PARADIEZ)

After him!

PARADIEZ

Stop!

(Runs out after TAXER)

VENESA

Father, don't!

ECLESTRA

You men are going to turn this into a war!

PARADIEZ

(Returns)

I lost him, but I did get him good with my pastry gun. He'll be tasting lemon for months.

CLENIOUS

(Looks out door)

At least you didn't do it in here. What a mess.

ECLESTRA

The revolution has begun. The question is, are we ready?

PARADIEZ

As ready as a pastry in a warm oven.

BOLONIOUS

I think I need another cup of coffee.

VENESA

May we find justice in this new nation.

PARADIEZ

Hey, that would make a great motto.

CLENIOUS

I'll write that down.

ECLESTRA

Now all we need is a flag.

CLENIOUS

And a song.

BOLONIOUS

And a great general.

(Front door flies open and TAXER is thrown in. Everyone

is startled and backs away. A military looking man walks in

and stands over the TAXER who is covered in yellow filling)

GENERAL

I have returned from patrol. I found this man trespassing.

BOLONIOUS

Ask and ye shall receive.

(Lights fade to black)

ACT I

Scene 2

(Lights come up on TAXER tied up. ECLESTRA and VENESA stand by the TAXER worried. CLENIOUS enters excited)

CLENIOUS

Here's my first draft of our national anthem. Want to hear?

(Doesn't wait for an answer)

Okay, here it is.

(To the tune of "Little Town of Bethlehem")

"Oh, little country of Baklavia. How great are your pastries. We love your lemon filling and everything in between. We just can't get enough of your great apple pie. It's darn great in Baklavia. We just love how you bake and fry."

(Looks at them happily)

So what do you think?

ECLESTRA

Sounds a bit too much like a commercial.

CLENIOUS

That's what Bolonious said to do.

VENESA

Try again, please Clenious.

CLENIOUS

Okay.

VENESA

Try for something a little more modern.

CLENIOUS

(Gets an idea)

Sure thing.

(Exits)

ECLESTRA

What are we going to do with him? The men want to keep him tied up "just in case."

VENESA

Keeping him will only make things worse for us.

ECLESTRA

We know that.

(Points to TAXER)

He knows that.

(TAXER nods)

It's just that they don't know it.

VENESA

I say we let him go.

(TAXER nods)

ECLESTRA

Maybe if he'll promise to put in a good word for us...

(TAXER nods even more)

VENESA

How can we be sure he will? We have no control over him once he leaves.

ECLESTRA

It might be a chance we have to take.

(She unties him and he runs out)

TAXER

I'm free! I'm free!

GENERAL

(Appears at kitchen door)

He’s escaped!

(Goes after him)

ECLESTRA

Did you understand any of that?

PARADIEZ

(Runs in with BOLONIOUS)

What's going on?

(Sees chair)

He got away?!

ECLESTRA

We let him go.

BOLONIOUS

You what?!

VENESA

Keeping him would do more harm than good.

BOLONIOUS

But he was our insurance.

ECLESTRA

Well, you may get him back. The general just went after him.

BOLONIOUS

What is this guy? An actor or an escaped lunatic.

ECLESTRA

There's not much difference really.

GENERAL

(Returns)

He has escaped. This is no way to run a war.

VENESA

We don’t want a war, general.

GENERAL

If you want your own country, you’re going to have to fight for it.

ECLESTRA

No, fighting. That’s final.

BOLONIOUS

Try telling that to the government.

PARADIEZ

Look. Let’s be prepared for all possibilities. Eclestra and Venesa will map out a piece plan. The general here had many years of experience in the army before he became our security guard. He can coordinate a plan of defense in case the government gets nasty.

GENERAL

I’ll set up headquarters in the basement.

ECLESTRA

The basement is full of supplies.

PARADIEZ

And I'm sure Saphrin and Clenious will straighten it up for the general.

(CLENIOUS nods)

SAPHRIN

Over my dead body.

(Exits)

PARADIEZ

(Laughs)

Oh, Saphrin. Always the kidder.

(Looks at watch)

Goodness, look at the time. We better start baking.

BOLONIOUS

Who has time to work? We have a country to get started.

PARADIEZ

Pastries first. Country second.

VENESA

(Joking)

Maybe that should be our motto.

BOLONIOUS

Good for sales. Bad for national pride.

PARADIEZ

We're going to have national nothing if we don't get to work. The workers will be here in less than an hour.

ECLESTRA

Workers? Oh, you mean Flemulous. Don't worry, he's always late.

CLENIOUS

Hey, you know what we need to get us in the spirit for another workday. We need to sing a few rounds of our national song.

VENESA

You've done another one already?

CLENIOUS

(Proud)

I'm very creative.

PARADIEZ

Let's hear it.

CLENIOUS

Venesa wanted something more modern. Here it is.

(To the Beatles' "Yesterday")

"Baklavia. You're twice the country you used to be. There are plenty of past-er-ries. Oh, I want to live, in Baklavia."

BOLONIOUS

Is that it?

CLENIOUS

I can sing more of it if you like.

(Starts again)

"Baklavia. You're twice the country you used to be..."

BOLONIOUS

No, no. That's okay. We got the picture.

CLENIOUS

You don't like it, do you?

VENESA

It was a good try, Clenious.

ECLESTRA

Maybe we should stick to the traditional.

PARADIEZ

But don't forget to mention our pastries.

CLENIOUS

This is going to be harder than I thought.

(Exits)

FLEMULOUS

(Enters from front door)

Hello!

PARADIEZ

(Annoyed)

You're early. We're not ready to start baking yet.

FLEMULOUS

Have you been listening to the radio?

VENESA

(Goes for radio)

What are they saying?

FLEMULOUS

You wouldn't believe what's going on. What a joke!

BOLONIOUS

Joke? Someone turn on the radio.

VENESA

(After tuning to the news)

I've got it.

RADIO

The most unusual news of the day is the story of a Northern pastry factory. Sources say that the small factory has declared independence and is forming a new country.

FLEMULOUS

Isn't that funny?

ALL

Shhhh!

RADIO

A government agent sent to collect taxes from the factory gave this account:

FLEMULOUS

I've heard this next part before. This is really hilarious.

RADIO

(TAXER'S voice is heard)

"Yeah, I went up there to collect the taxes and they told me they were making their own country so they wouldn't have to pay. I refused to leave until they paid. They tried to force me out, but I am a person of duty and I was determined to do my job."

BOLONIOUS

What lies!

FLEMULOUS

Listen to this.

RADIO

(TAXER'S voice)

"When I wouldn't go, they attacked me using any sort of weapon they could get their hands on. One even attacked me with a pastry gun."

FLEMULOUS

Isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard?

ALL

Shhhhh!

RADIO

(NEWSCASTER)

Government officials are refusing to recognize their independence and would give no further comment at this time. In other local news, an olive factory is closing due to...

(VENESA turns off radio)

PARADIEZ

I wonder what they are going to do?

BOLONIOUS

Make us pay our taxes.

PARADIEZ

But where are we going to get the money?

VENESA

You sound like you're giving up.

PARADIEZ

You heard the radio. They aren't going to recognize us as a country.

ECLESTRA

Of course not. You think they're going to say, "Sure, you can make your own country. No problem."

FLEMULOUS

Wait a minute. All that was true. Someone wasn't making this up.

BOLONIOUS

Who would make up something that stupid?

VENESA

You all look dead. Is one little news cast going to get you down? If that's the case, why are we going to even try?

PARADIEZ

Do you think we even have a chance?

FLEMULOUS

(Finally able to speak after stunning display)

Will someone please tell me what's going on!

PARADIEZ

Come to the kitchen and Venesa and I will explain everything while we get the pastries started.

FLEMULOUS

This is too weird.

(They exit with VENESA)

BOLONIOUS

Now if we could only know what the government is going to do next.

(Knock at door)

ECLESTRA

They may be our answer.

GENERAL

I better start preparing our defenses.

(Exits to basement. More knocking)

SAPHRIN

(Comes out)

Is somebody going to answer the door or not?

BOLONIOUS

(Having second thoughts)

I don't know. Should we?

ECLESTRA

Answer the door, Saphrin.

SAPHRIN

You're closer.

ECLESTRA

Do it or become Baklavia's first exile.

SAPHRIN

(Goes to door)

I get no respect around here.

(Knocking. Yells)

I'm coming!

(Opens door. TAXER is back)

Oh, it's you.

BOLONIOUS

What are you doing here?

ECLESTRA

Let me guess. You loved our lemon filling so much you couldn't stay away.

TAXER

Something like that.

(Eyes some pastries)

BOLONIOUS

So why are you here?

TAXER

(Speaks very officially)

I'm here as an official representative of our government.

BOLONIOUS

You mean your government. We don't belong any more.

TAXER

(Goes closer to a plate of pastries. Speaks less

officially)

And I really like your pastries. Could I have another one?

(He reaches and SAPHRIN slaps his hand away)

ECLESTRA

So what does the government plan to do?

TAXER

Well, the government was going to simply close you down. But the media alerted the United Nations and things have become a bit more complicated.

ECLESTRA

Why? What did the United Nations say?

TAXER

They want to have some official meeting between our two governments. Haven't they contacted you yet?

ECLESTRA

No.

SAPHRIN

Someone just called a minute ago though. They said it was pretty important. Paradiez is talking to them now.

BOLONIOUS

That could be them.

PARADIEZ

(He and VENESA come out excited)

I just received a very interesting phone call.

VENESA

You'll never guess who it was.

ECLESTRA

The United Nations.

PARADIEZ

How did you know?

BOLONIOUS

(Points to TAXER)

Our friend here told us.

PARADIEZ

(Sees TAXER. Goes for pastry gun)

It's you!

TAXER

(Hides behind ECLESTRA)

Hey, now wait a minute. I'm here on a peaceful mission.

ECLESTRA

Let's hear what he has to say.

PARADIEZ

No sudden moves. This is cream cheese.

TAXER

(Keeps an eye on PARADIEZ as he talks)

The UN wants to meet in Geneva to discuss a peace settlement...

ECLESTRA

Geneva? We can't afford to go to Geneva.

PARADIEZ

I told them either we meet here or no talks.

TAXER

Our government won't go for that.

PARADIEZ

They better.

TAXER

Well, I'll ask them but I doubt they'll say yes.

PARADIEZ

It's up to them. The UN is planning on coming here anyway.

(To others)

They said the meeting might even be televised.

BOLONIOUS

We'll be on TV?

PARADIEZ

That's what they said.

PARADIEZ

We'll turn this into a major event. That means we'll have to go shopping.

TAXER

You can't come to our country though.

BOLONIOUS

What?

TAXER

You've broken away. And we refuse to do business with your country until you come to your senses and pay your taxes.

BOLONIOUS

Oh, dear. This is a problem.

ECLESTRA

But we get all our supplies from them.

SAPHRIN

(Directs her comment at BOLONIOUS)

And that's where we buy our coffee.

BOLONIOUS

(Upset)

Oh, no. No coffee?

ECLESTRA

This is more complicated than we thought.

VENESA

We'll figure something out.

TAXER

And don't even think of coming in. We have guards at the border. No one comes in or goes out.

PARADIEZ

You go back and tell your government that we're not afraid. Roadblocks don't frighten us. We have supplies in the basement that will last months. By then the UN will have settled this peacefully and you'll be out of a job.

TAXER

I don't have to stay and listen to this.

ECLESTRA

And tell them we meet here or we don't meet at all.

TAXER

I'll tell them, but they won't like it.

(Exits R)

BOLONIOUS

We don't have months' worth of supplies.

PARADIEZ

I didn't want to seem weak.

VENESA

You're speech was very good, father. You sure gave that tax collector something to think about.

(GENERAL enters L)

PARADIEZ

Really? It was that good.

VENESA

And with the media and the UN on our side, how can we lose?

BOLONIOUS

But what about the supplies?

(Really upset)

What about my coffee?

SAPHRIN

I used the last of the coffee this morning.

BOLONIOUS

We're doomed.

PARADIEZ

And we're short on lemon filling.

(Looks sad)

If we can't go to Greece, where can we go?

ECLESTRA

We have a boat. We'll go over to Italy.

VENESA

It's too far.

BOLONIOUS

Italy does have good coffee.

VENESA

We could just wait for the UN to arrive.

PARADIEZ

But we can't stop making pastries. We have dozens of orders to fill.

ECLESTRA

And we have to put on a good show if we're going to convince them that we're legitimate. Look at this place. We have a lot of work to do.

GENERAL

We could sneak into Greece.

PARADIEZ

Sneak? How?

GENERAL

Wait for nightfall. We sneak into town and take all we want. Their security is very bad.

VENESA

We’re not going to become thieves.

PARADIEZ

We won’t steal, but I think the raid is a good idea.

ECLESTRA

How can we do both?

PARADIEZ

We pick the locks, get what we need, and leave the money for it.

VENESA

Sounds reasonable.

GENERAL

Leave money? For the enemy? Foolish and unnecessary?

ECLESTRA

But the UN and the press will love it.

VENESA

It might be dangerous though. Is everyone willing to take that risk?

BOLONIOUS

As long as I get my coffee.

GENERAL

We need to take as many of us as possible. That will increase our changes for success.

PARADIEZ

Someone needs to stay here though.

ECLESTRA

Let Venesa. If anyone comes, she's the best one to defend this place.

VENESA

I am?

ECLESTRA

You're a good talker. You can buy us time.

GENERAL

(To ECLESTRA)

But no women can go.

ECLESTRA

And why not?

GENERAL

I do not take women to do a man's job.

ECLESTRA

(Grabs him)

Now look here, buddy. I'm as tough as any man here.

BOLONIOUS

If not tougher.

GENERAL

(Nearly being strangled by Eclestra, he changes mind)

Okay. You’re in.

ECLESTRA

Good.

PARADIEZ

When do we leave?

GENERAL

Midnight.

ECLESTRA

Let's all get to work. We probably don't have much time before the UN arrives.

PARADIEZ

Only two days.

VENESA

Let's get moving.

CLENIOUS

(Enters)

Wait! Don't you want to hear my new song.

(They all quickly leave except GENERAL)

Pearls among swine.

GENERAL

Let’s hear it.

CLENIOUS

(Happy)

Okay. Here it goes:

(To Gilligan Island theme. Slow fade)

"Here's a tale of little country. It was started after a while. We just wanted to make pastries free, our taxes we wouldn't file. Our taxes we wouldn't file..."

(Blackout)

ACT I

Scene 3

(Night in an empty field. [Scene is brief and can be

done with limited lighting on the same set or in front of a curtain] Lights come up on raiding party. ECLESTRA, PARADIEZ, FLEMULOUS, BOLONIOUS, and CLENIOUS are all excitedly caring packages back. GENERAL hangs back

looking at town. They are stop to rest a minute)

PARADIEZ

We did it!

ECLESTRA

I can't believe we did, but we did.

BOLONIOUS

And we have the general to thank. He is one clever sneak.

(Notices GENERAL)

Wait a minute. Is he okay?

ECLESTRA

I don't know.

(Goes to GENERAL)

General?

(Ignores her)

PARADIEZ

General?

GENERAL

This was no victory. All this sneaking and creeping. I was trained to fight.

ECLESTRA

Let’s go, General.

GENERAL

(Points to village)

We can't run away. All my life I’ve been running. I won’t run any more. We must turn and attack!

PARADIEZ

What? We can't do that.

(He grabs the GENERAL)

ECLESTRA

He’s totally lost it. I told you we shouldn’t have hired him.

GENERAL

(Pushes PARADIEZ down)

Get out of my way weakling. Men. Get your weapons.

(GENERAL pulls out a lighter)

We are going to burn their village.

PARADIEZ

You can't!

GENERAL

Watch me!

ECLESTRA

Get him!

(They tackle the GENERAL and struggle with him)

(Off)

Over there!

PARADIEZ

It's the military. They see us.

ECLESTRA

Get down.

(They hide upstage. Greek soldiers [3 or more]

rush on stage and then stand at attention C facing the

audience. The LIEUTENANT enters and has her back to the

audience)

Now we're ready.

(Suddenly audience can see she has a camera)

Smile.

(Click. Everyone becomes very casual and silly)

JOE

That picture will make us look like the real thing.

MOE

I hate this uniform.

(Takes shirt off. Has a t-shirt on underneath that says

"It's all Greek to me")

FLO

How long do we have to be out here?

The captain said until sunrise.

JOE

How come we get the night shift?

MOE

Cause you're all a bunch of idiots.

FLO

And you're not?

(MOE punches FLO who punches back. MOE rubs his arm)

Then this is our chance to prove ourselves.

FLO

Yeah, after this, they'll know we really are idiots.

(Looks off R)

Here comes the captain. A-tten-tion!

(LT is the only one who responds to her own command)

CAPTAIN

(Ignores LT who stays at attention and goes to others)

What are you soldiers doing?

JOE

Having a bake-off.

(Others laugh)

CAPTAIN

Ho, ho, ho. You're all real funny.

MOE

Look, captain. Lay off. It's bad enough we have to be on night duty.

CAPTAIN

This is a very important shift.

FLO

(Under her breath)

Yeah, right.

CAPTAIN

This is the most likely time we will see the factory workers try to slip by...

JOE

I don't even know why we're bothering.

CAPTAIN

This is a matter of national security.

(During the rest of the scene, GENERAL, PARADIEZ,

ECLESTRA, BOLONIOUS, CLENIOUS, and FLEMULOUS try to sneak out. None of the soldiers notice)

You've got to stay alert.

(MOE is sleeping)

You've got to keep a watchful eye on your surroundings. This is not a game. This is real life. We have code a 3 section 31 conflict on our hands.

FLO

What is code 3 section 31 anyway? I hear everyone talking about it, but only you guys know what it is.

CAPTAIN

Every officer has certain codes that he must learn. We guide ourselves and our soldiers on these codes. They are at the very heart of our military.

FLO

And for two hundred dollars, code 3 section 31 is...

CAPTAIN

Tell them Lieutenant.

(Still at attention, but now worried)

Code 3?

CAPTAIN

Section 31.

Well... uh....

CAPTAIN

Never mind.

(Turns to go. The last Baklavian is slowly coming

through, trying to be invisible)

If we find out that one of those factory workers got by you, you're all history.

(CAPTAIN exits. LT salutes)

JOE

Fine. Kick me out. Please.

(Breaks down crying)

Go ahead. Make your jokes. You may not care, but this is my career.

FLO

(To JOE)

Now look what you did.

JOE

I didn't make her cry.

FLO

Did so.

(Pushes him)

JOE

Did not.

(Pushes back. They start fighting. Others join in

either in the fight or are cheering for one side.

BAKLAVIANS manage to escape)

I knew I should have become a lifeguard.

(Lights fade to black)

ACT I

Scene 3

(Night back at the factory. Rain can be heard. VENESA

sits by a window, staring sadly out. SAPHRIN comes from

upstairs. Sees VENESA and goes to her)

SAPHRIN

Can't sleep?

VENESA

I'm worried about everyone. I hope they make it.

SAPHRIN

With the general, who knows what will happen. He ain’t got all his guns cocked if you know what I mean.

VENESA

Uh, no. Not really.

SAPHRIN

He’s not all there, that’s what I mean. Watch them all get captured. That would be more than half the people in our country.

VENESA

We'd have to surrender then for sure.

SAPHRIN

You want something from the kitchen?

VENESA

No. I'm fine.

(SAPHRIN exits. VENESA sees something)

Hey, what's that? That must be them.

(Goes to door)

But what if it's not.

(Goes to window)

There's only one person. I hope everyone wasn't captured.

(Goes to door)

SAPHRIN

Or maybe it's that tax collector. If it is, I'm going to knock him over the head. Then I'll grind him up. I’ll make pastries out of him and send them to the government.

(Pulling open door)

What do you want now...?

(Standing at the door, wet from rain, is a very good

looking man)

KANDID

I would like...

(Short of breath)

VENESA

(Pushing SAPHRIN out of the way. She speaks to him, almost breathless)

Yes?

KANDID

...to speak with you.

VENESA

Who are you?

KANDID

I'm Clint Kandid. I'm a photographer for National Geographic.

VENESA

Come in. Come in. Did you come to report on our independence?

KANDID

I'm not a reporter.

(Takes out camera)

I'm a photographer.

(Takes her picture)

I capture and shape the light. I take everything that I see and make it my own.

(Takes more pictures of her)

VENESA

How did you find out about us?

KANDID

I was here on assignment, capturing modern Greece in pictures. It was then I heard of your little effort and I wanted to be the first to chronicle your history.

VENESA

I'm so thankful you're here. Tell me what you need. I'll do anything... to help.

KANDID

You must show me everything. You must put me in touch with the very soul of your movement.

VENESA

I am the soul...

KANDID

You are?

(He takes more pictures)

VENESA

(Finally realizes she's in her night clothes)

I'm not dressed.

KANDID

It's perfect.

(He moves closer)

VENESA

But isn't it too dark in here... for pictures.

KANDID

(Pause. Moves closer. Speaks softly)

I'm using 1,000 speed film.

(They look at each other)

VENESA

You don't even know my name.

KANDID

It's Venesa.

VENESA

How did you…?

KANDID

A photographer must know his subjects. I asked the people of the village who was here. Your names. What you were like. They said Venesa is the young, beautiful one who is the real heart of the movement.

(Holds up camera to take another picture)

And I see now that it is true.

VENESA

But how can you know?

KANDID

(Lowers camera. Steps closer)

Trust me. I know.

(Pause. VENESA would give anything for a kiss. He moves closer. She closes her

eyes. SAPHRIN comes out)

SAPHRIN

Are you sure you don't want anything?

(KANDID backs away. Adjusts his camera)

VENESA

(Still looking at KANDID)

No, I...

SAPHRIN

Who's that?

VENESA

A photographer... Clint Kandid from National Geographic.

SAPHRIN

We don't have any animals here.

KANDID

(Armed with a flash)

We do people too, ma'am.

(Takes a picture with a flash of SAPHRIN)

SAPHRIN

Ah! I'm blind!

VENESA

Now I see why you don't use a flash.

KANDID

I've never been good with a flash.

(Takes flash off)

Artificial light distorts. Only true light captures beauty.

SAPHRIN

So what are you doing here?

KANDID

To document your struggle for independence.

SAPHRIN

Where's your note pad?

KANDID

I speak with pictures.

SAPHRIN

That won't do us any good. It'll probably take a year before your magazine publishes the pictures, then it will be too late.

VENESA

(Heartbroken)

Saphrin's right. What we need now is a reporter.

KANDID

(Going to VENESA. Taking her hand)

Then I will get you a reporter.

VENESA

You will?

KANDID

(Pause. Looking in her eyes. VENESA waits for his

words. SAPHRIN rolls her eyes)

Where's your phone?

VENESA

I'll show you.

SAPHRIN

No. I'll show him. You stay and watch the door.

(KANDID takes another picture of VENESA and follows

SAPHRIN out still taking pictures. Pauses at door)

If you take one more picture of me, I'll break your camera.

(SAPHRIN goes in. KANDID takes another picture of her

from the doorway)

That does it.

(Pulls him in)

KANDID

(Off. Crash is heard)

My camera!

SAPHRIN

The phone's over there!

(SAPHRIN comes out. KANDID is heard crying inside)

VENESA

What did you do?

SAPHRIN

I warned him...

VENESA

Saphrin. He's trying to help us. You can't treat him like that.

SAPHRIN

He's a man. I can treat him any way I want.

VENESA

Now he probably won't help us.

SAPHRIN

Oh, he'll be sticking around.

VENESA

What do you mean?

SAPHRIN

I saw the way he looked at you. And the way you looked at him.

VENESA

He is wonderful.

SAPHRIN

And you're a very pretty woman. He's hooked. He's not going anywhere.

VENESA

I hope you're right...

(Corrects herself)

For the sake of Baklavia.

SAPHRIN

Yeah, right. I know what you mean.

VENESA

I've never met anyone like him.

SAPHRIN

They don't make them like that in Greece. You can only find them in America.

VENESA

Why aren't men like that here?

SAPHRIN

It's all the olive oil. Makes 'em greasy.

VENESA

(Laughs)

You are so weird.

SAPHRIN

I wonder if we can get him to take his shirt off.

VENESA

What?

SAPHRIN

He's all wet. We need to dry him off.

VENESA

I can't believe you. You're awful.

SAPHRIN

Fine. Suit yourself.

VENESA

I better get some clothes on.

SAPHRIN

I think he likes you better like that.

VENESA

Will you go away somewhere?

KANDID

(Comes out)

The deed is done. I have called a reporter. She will be here soon.

VENESA

It was that easy?

KANDID

(Smiles sadly)

That easy.

VENESA

You look sad.

KANDID

All those pictures I took of you, exposed. My vision...

(Looks at her, then away)

Broken.

VENESA

(Goes to him)

You can take them again.

KANDID

But it won't be the same.

(Looks at her)

That first moment can never be... again.

VENESA

But there will be other moments.

KANDID

(Sad)

Perhaps.

SAPHRIN

Don't you guys usually carry a spare?

KANDID

That was my..."spare." The soldiers took my other one.

VENESA

Did they hurt you?

KANDID

No. They were an odd bunch. They took my camera and started arguing who would get it. They were so busy fighting with each other that I was able to slip by.

VENESA

Then maybe our raiding party has a chance.

SAPHRIN

You're all wet. Let me get you a towel.

KANDID

And something warm to drink, please.

SAPHRIN

Be right back.

KANDID

Venesa. What am I going to do? It will be hours before my friend arrives with a new camera. Time is being wasted just sitting here. I can't open my eyes without seeing something to take a picture of.

(Looks at her)

All this perfection... going to waste.

VENESA

Will nothing comfort you?

KANDID

I feel so empty. Like my entire soul has been ripped away.

VENESA

(Hand on his shoulder)

Is there any way I can help?

KANDID

(Turns to her. Takes her hands)

There is one way.

VENESA

Yes?

(Closes her eyes, ready for that long awaited kiss)

KANDID

Do you have a camera?

VENESA

(Opens eyes. Sighs)

I don't know.

KANDID

(Goes to her. Turns her to face him. Takes her

shoulders in his strong hands)

I would do anything for a camera.

VENESA

(Lost a moment in his eyes)

You know. I might have a camera upstairs.

KANDID

(Urgently)

Go get it. Please.

VENESA

I will.

(Starts up)

I will.

(Exits upstairs as SAPHRIN enters)

SAPHRIN

Here's some nice hot cocoa for you.

(Sets it at a table)

A towel.

(Slyly)

And another t-shirt.

(T-shirt says "Property of Saphrin" on it)

It's extra large. It should fit.

KANDID

(Takes off his shirt and towels off)

Thanks.

SAPHRIN

(To herself)

I sure wish I had my camera now.

KANDID

(Puts on other shirt)

It's a little tight.

SAPHRIN

(Smiles)

It will have to do until I get this one dry.

(Takes his other shirt to kitchen)

VENESA

(Comes down excited)

I found one!

KANDID

You did? Hurry, let me see.

(Takes it from her. Frowns)

A Polaroid?

VENESA

It's the only thing I have.

KANDID

(Smiles bravely as he takes it in his hands)

It will have to do.

(Kisses her on the cheek and VENESA blushes)

Thank you. Is there film?

(VENESA nods)

Shall we try it out?

(Points it at VENESA)

VENESA

On me?

KANDID

You are where the camera takes me.

VENESA

Take me then.

(Flash of polaroid)

Take me.

KANDID

(Looks at photo)

It's in a fog.

VENESA

You have to wait.

KANDID

I can't wait.

(Tosses picture aside)

Another?

VENESA

Yes.

(Flash of Polaroid. Throws picture aside)

KANDID

And another?

VENESA

Oh, yes.

(Flash. He takes as many pictures as possible with the

slow Polaroid)

KANDID

If only this camera would work faster.

VENESA

We have all the time you need.

KANDID

But the wait… The wait is too much.

VENESA

(Gets pictures)

But look. You can see how you're photographs turn out right away.

KANDID

I can't look. How are they?

VENESA

This one isn't bad.

KANDID

(Picks one up)

I really like this one. Oh, yes. I am a master. I can use any kind of camera.

(Goes to VENESA)

These pictures are wonderful. See how your hair captures the light.

VENESA

And this one.

KANDID

Yes. See how the light holds you. Like a gentle caress.

VENESA

(Looks at him)

Yes.

(He looks back. They look at each other. Finally)

Clint?

KANDID

Yes?

(VENESA kisses him. They kiss each other. PARADIEZ,

ECLESTRA, and BOLONIOUS enter)

PARADIEZ

Hi, honey. We're home.

BOLONIOUS

And we bring coffee.

ECLESTRA

(Sees KANDID and VENESA who are still kissing)

Oh my...

PARADIEZ

The enemy!

BOLONIOUS

She's in a strangle hold!

(KANDID turns and is attacked by the two men. VENESA

screams)

ECLESTRA

(Goes to VENESA)

It's okay, dear. You're safe now.

VENESA

(Pushes ECLESTRA away and starts hitting BOLONIOUS)

Let him go!

BOLONIOUS

(Cowers)

Hey, ow! Stop!

ECLESTRA

Venesa. What are you doing?

(PARADIEZ lets KANDID go)

VENESA

He wasn't hurting me.

PARADIEZ

Then what was he doing?

VENESA

(Embarrassed)

He was kissing me.

PARADIEZ

What?!

VENESA

Or rather I kissed him.

ECLESTRA

That's an interesting way to defend the factory against soldiers.

PARADIEZ

I don’t think that’s wise.

VENESA

He's not a soldier, father. He's a photographer.

KANDID

I came to document the struggles of your new country.

ECLESTRA

Oh, I'm so sorry. I hope they didn't hurt you.

PARADIEZ

Wait. He might be lying. Where's your camera?

KANDID

(Reluctantly holds up the Polaroid)

Here. Saphrin broke the other one.

BOLONIOUS

Likely story.

VENESA

It's true.

ECLESTRA

Come, come. We must get all the supplies.

BOLONIOUS

(Quickly goes to kitchen)

I must make some coffee first.

VENESA

Where are the others?

ECLESTRA

We got half-way back here and the general went nuts on us. He ordered us to turn around and burn the village.

PARADIEZ

I'm afraid we had to knock him over the head to get him to stop.

VENESA

Is he okay?

PARADIEZ

I hope so. We better go check on him.

KANDID

I'll go with you and help.

PARADIEZ

Yes, why don't you come with me? I think we need to have a talk.

(They exit)

VENESA

I hope father goes easy on him.

ECLESTRA

Your father only has a pastry gun. He can't do that much damage.

VENESA

You can't blame Clint for any of this. I'm the one who kissed him first.

ECLESTRA

(At window)

I can see why. He is one fine hunk of man.

VENESA

(Shocked)

Mother!

ECLESTRA

Just because I'm married doesn't mean I have to behave like a nun.

(Getting serious)>

And just because you're not married, doesn't mean you can go around kissing every good-looking man who comes along. Though I can hardly blame you in this case.

VENESA

I don't know why I kissed him. I guess I got a little too caught up in what he was saying. I sort of lost control.

ECLESTRA

You didn't do more than kissing did you?

VENESA

No, of course not. I don't go around throwing myself at men. I'm shocked I even kissed him. Maybe I'm going crazy. I'm probably so mixed up because I'm tired. I couldn't get any sleep because I was so worried about all of you. I'm so glad you all made it back okay.

ECLESTRA

I couldn't believe we didn't have any trouble. You should have seen those guards on the border. They were so busy with their own matters that they didn't even notice us. We probably could have driven a tank by them and they wouldn't have noticed.

VENESA

We can't be too careful though. This time we were lucky, but next time...

ECLESTRA

(BOLONIOUS comes out)

Hopefully we won't have to worry about another time. With the UN coming, we may have enough supplies to get us through.

BOLONIOUS

(Sipping coffee)

Oh, how did I ever survive without you, my java miracle?

ECLESTRA

Bolonious. I think you have a serious problem.

BOLONIOUS

Correction. "Had" a serious problem. Now that I have my cup of joe, I am cured.

VENESA

I wish all problems could be resolved that easily.

(PARADIEZ and KANDID enter with supplies. CLENIOUS and

FLEMULOUS enter with THE GENERAL between them. THE

GENERAL is barely conscious)

PARADIEZ

We have returned.

(They sit GENERAL in chair)

KANDID

Where do we put the supplies?

(VENESA takes supplies from father)

VENESA

Follow me.

KANDID

Gladly.

(VENESA and KANDID exit to kitchen)

ECLESTRA

I don't know about those two.

PARADIEZ

Oh, I like him.

ECLESTRA

You do? You're not upset?

PARADIEZ

He explained everything. You wouldn't understand.

ECLESTRA

I wouldn't?

PARADIEZ

It's a man thing.

ECLESTRA

Oh, really?

PARADIEZ

Besides. You should hear how much that magazine pays him for his pictures. I couldn't believe it.

(They carry rest of the supplies to kitchen and exit)

GENERAL

(Comes around)

Ohhh. What hit me?

CLENIOUS

Well, uh...

FLEMULOUS

Thing is that, well...

BAKLAVIA

Cast of Characters

Time and Place