The Big Bad Wolf

Monologue by D. M. Larson


Man, you accidentally knock down some pig's house with a sneeze and they start telling stories about you. And now there's this little girl and her red hood. Who knows what they'll say about this one.

I have self-a-team issues too.

Everyone is always going around saying "what a big nose you have" and "what big teeth you have." It hurts.

I just want to go away some place where I won't bother anyone.

They're always promising happy endings but where's my happy ending? All that happily ever after seems to be reserved for princesses and cute little animals. Especially bunnies. Why are rabbits always getting happy endings?

They're rodents, I tell you. Rodents!


"The Big Bad Wolf" is a monologue from the published play "Holka Polka" by D. M. Larson ISBN-13: 978-1502445490

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This monologue is from
HOLKA POLKA! A Fairy Tale Mystery by D. M. Larson


Copyright (c) 2005 All Rights Reserved

Cast of Characters

(6+ female, 2+ male, 11+ either and optional extras)


BRENDA: A young good witch who is given the quest to save fairytale land.

WOLF: A misunderstood wolf who helps out BRENDA on her quest.

CINDY: A princess who has been tricked into thinking she is ugly.

HUMPTY: Humphrey Dumpty who pretends to be a mild mannered servant who is in reality a someone in disguise.

SPLENDA: The good witch of the South and BRENDA's mother.

EZI: CINDY's evil sister.

DEZI: CINDY's other evil sister.

FGM: The Fairy Godmother who has an evil plan.

PINOCCHIO: A servant of the PRINCE who is wooden boy with a nose that hurts.

PRINCE: He is a handsome guy who has been put under a sleep spell by someone.

SNORZ: An Itallian wizard with the power to make someone sleep and is really the Fairy Godfather in disguise.

HILDA: The head witch who wants to save the magic in fairytale land.

GANDOLT: A wise wizard who wants to help save magic.

ZORKA: A wise-cracking witch.

SWEET: A witch who is the sister of the witch who had a run in with Hansel and Gretel.

INKANTADORA: A witch who sees the bad side to everything.

ZOOM: A witch who can't stop talking and gets turned into a toad.


GNOMES and GUARDS (these can be played by two or more actors and can be the same or different actors for each)


Additional WITCHES may also be added to the opening scene. If more speaking roles are desired the parts of ZORKA and INKANTADORA can't be split up into more WITCHES.


Time and Place

Once upon a time in fairytale land.


by D. M. Larson




Wait. How do I get to the Prince's castle?



You can fly, teleport.



Actually, I'd prefer to walk.






Well, broom power is creating all kinds of pollution in the skies!



We wouldn't have the colorful sunsets without pollution, my dear.



And teleporting could scare someone. I wouldn't want to appear in people's gardens and scare them.



No, I suppose you wouldn't.



So if you could point the way by foot.



Fine, just follow the brown brick road.



Follow the brown brick road?


                        (A bunch of little GNOMES do a can-can as the enter singing)



"Follow the brown brick road. Follow the brown brick road. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the brown brick road."



Oh, quiet you crazy Gnomes. Get out of here.


                        (HILDA throws one of her shoes at them and they scramble off stage)



But they were so cute.


GNOMES (off)




Watch out for them. They're pests.


                        (GNOMES rush in)



We know you are but what are we.



Excuse my while I go turn some gnomes to stone and stick them in somebody's yard.





                        (GNOMES run off as HILDA chases them)



Poor little guys. They don't look like pests at all. Okay, now she told me the way. So I just need to...


                        (GNOMES rush in)



"Follow the brown brick road. Follow the brown brick road. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the brown brick road."


(HILDA rushes in and GNOMES run off with her exiting behind. BRENDA starts skipping along)



Follow the brown brick road. Follow the brown brick road.


GNOMES (off)

"Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the brown brick road."


HILDA (off)

Stop that!


(BRENDA skips along humming and then a WOLF appears. WOLF is dabbing his mouth with a small red cloak)



Oh, hello, there.

                        (WOLF hides red cloak behind his back)






Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.



Little girls do that to me.



Little girls scare you?



All the time.



Why is that?



It's all that screaming. Little girls scream too much.



I won't.



You sure? I am scary.

                        (Makes scary arm motion)




That wasn't too scary.



The last little girl thought so. Scared her so bad she dropped this.


                        (Holds out red cloak)



Poor thing. I bet she will get cold without it.



I didn't think of that. But she ran so fast I doubt we'll catch her.



Maybe this is the time to try a little magic.



Magic? You a fairy?



I'm a witch actually.



A witch? But you're not ugly.



Not all witches are ugly. That's a common misconception.






Misconception. It means people believe one thing about you but it's not true.



I know exactly what you mean. People misconwhattionize me all the time. Man, you accidentally knock down some pig's house with a sneeze and that start telling stories about you. And now there's this little girl and her red hood. Who knows what they'll say about this one.



Wolves and witches have it tough.



That they do.



But maybe I can do a little damage control. Set down the cloak and stand back.


                        (WOLF puts down red cloak and backs away)



What you going to do?



I'm going to do a return to owner spell.

                        (BRENDA does a little dance. Polka music plays)

Holka Polka!


                        (Lights flash and zap is heard. Blackout)



Ah! I'm blind!



Either I am too or something happened.



Maybe you returned the moon. I wonder who the owner was?


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