10 minute selection from:
Big Nose (A Modern Cyrano) by D. M. Bocaz-Larson
Copyright
(c) 1994, 2003
All
Rights Reserved*
Before performing this script, you must first request permission at pocolocoplayers@yahoo.com or http://www.geocities.com/pocolocoplayers/request.html
The script may be printed and copied for free. If you decide to perform the play and charge admission, the requirements are below: 1. All programs, posters, etc. should have the author's name (D. M. Bocaz-Larson) and something that tells about the Freedrama.com website such as "Produced by special arrangement with www.freedrama.com". When you complete the production, mail a copy of the program to the royalty address listed below. 2. There is a $20 royalty for using the play for up to two performances. If you perform the play three or more times, the royalty is just $10 per performance. The royalty payment must be sent via http://www.paypal.com. Or you may send a check to: D. M. Bocaz-Larson, 1721 Encino Ave., Grants, NM 87020. Please no purchase orders. NOTE: The play may not be reproduced or published in any form without written permission from the author. Thank you for selecting my script. I hope you enjoy it. Sincerely, D. M. Bocaz-Larson
Thank you and enjoy the script!
Author contact information:
D. M. Bocaz-Larson
Grants, NM 87020
pocolocoplayers@yahoo.com
Cast of Characters
CYRIL
(MAN): A local man who has a rather large nose.
CAPTAIN:
A bad actor who makes William Shatner
look good.
SOLDIER:
Another equally bad actor.
FRIEND(S):
A friend of CYRIL�s in the audience who can be played
by one or more actors of either gender.
ROXY:
An actress in the CAPTAIN�s play who catches CYRIL�s eye.
KELLY:
CYRIL�s friend who runs the theatre.
Time and Place
A modern day community
theatre in small town
Scene 1
(Lights come up on a
poorly constructed set. There is a
balcony with odd
colored cloth hanging down and a backdrop that is supposed to be a
castle. Two men enter in Shakespearean
type dress. They are very bad actors who
think they are very good)
CAPTAIN
Look
at yonder window, friend. She awaits me,
she does.
SOLDIER
Doth
she?
CAPTAIN
She
does.
SOLDIER
But
doth she love thee?
CAPTAIN
She
does.
SOLDIER
So good for you.
MAN
(From audience)
So
bad for us!
(He and FRIENDS laugh. The two actors take a quick glance out in surprise
then quickly get back in character)
CAPTAIN
Uh...
yes. She loveth
me. She wroteth a letter.
(Takes
it out. Sniffs lovingly)
Ah,
doth though smelleth her fragrance? Doth thou find it
heavenly?
SOLDIER
(Excited)
I
smell. I smell.
MAN
You
can say that again.
(He and friends laugh. The two actors try to hide their anger, but
they don't do it well)
CAPTAIN
Tonight,
I shall go to her. Tonight. Tonight!
MAN
When?!
CAPTAIN
(Angry. Trying to be more dramatic)
Tonight!
MAN
(Mocking)
I
can't hear you.
CAPTAIN
(Turns to run off the
stage)
Now
look here!
(SOLDIER grabs him)
SOLDIER
I
can not let you go to her.
CAPTAIN
(One more look at MAN
then gets back to play)
Why
doth thou stopeth me?
SOLDIER
Because she is to be mine.
CAPTAIN
Then
we must fight to our deaths.
MAN
We
can only hope.
SOLDIER
(They pull swords)
We
fight for love!
(They dual. MAN sings "Love Boat Theme." He gets FRIENDS to join in. CAPTAIN is stabbed)
CAPTAIN
Oh,
my heart. My loving
heart. My heart is stabbed. I can love no more.
SOLDIER
Oh,
my captain. I have slain thee. But how?
MAN
What
do you mean "how"? What's
that in your hand, a swizzle stick?
CAPTAIN
I
die now. I die. I leave thee to love for I can love no
more. My heart is worn. My blood will pour this night no more. I leave my sword, my rank, my love. You have it all now. You have everything I desire.
(Cough)
I
die and leave thee. I die and leave thee
these words.
MAN
Will
you just die already?!
CAPTAIN
(Jumps up)
I've
had it with you!
MAN
It's
a miracle. He's alive.
CAPTAIN
(Picks up his sword)
Come
on, whoever you are. I've had it with
you. One night is bad enough but three
in a row!
MAN
(Leaps up onto the
stage)
Do
you not know me?
(The man is CYRIL DE BURG, local jokester. He is well known for his big nose)
CAPTAIN
Oh,
yeah. I know you now. I've heard about you. You're the one with the big nose.
(Gasp from CYRIL'S FRIENDS)
FRIEND
(From audience)
You
shouldn't have said that.
CYRIL
You're
offended by my nose?
CAPTAIN
It
is no stranger than a dog with two tails.
(He laughs but no one
laughs with him)
CYRIL
There
was a poem a read once. It goes
something like this:
(Picking up a sword)
"Roses
are red. Violets are fuchsia. What you dish out, comes right back to ya'.�
(And CYRIL quickly
unarms the CAPTAIN with a twist
of
his sword)
CAPTAIN
(Looks at empty hand)
How
did you�
(Backs away)
No
hard feeling, huh?
CYRIL
None at all.
(CAPTAIN starts to go)
CYRIL
I
look forward to seeing your performance tomorrow night.
CAPTAIN
Oh,
no.
CYRIL
Oh,
yes.
CAPTAIN
Oh,
golly.
(Exits)
ROXY
(Comes out on balcony)
What's
going on out here?
CYRIL
(To audience)
Now,
for the moment you've all been waiting for.
The farewell.
When we last left our hero, he was flat on the floor, bleeding and
giving some terribly boring speech. But
his fair lady comes out and sees him dying.
She calls out to him:
(He points to her)
ROXY
(She gives him a dirty
look)
What
is this?
CYRIL
And
she says...
ROXY
(Sighs. Speaks flatly)
Oh,
but I must have one good-bye kiss.
CYRIL
And
so our hero, though he is bleeding to death, uses his last bit of strength to
climb up to her.
(He
does actions. The ROXY looks very
annoyed. He is almost to her)
He
wants that one last kiss. The kiss he
has been dreaming of. But before he can
reach her he tosses the mortal coil.
UHHH!
(He dies and falls. Looks out at audience)
And dies.
(Stands up)
Finally.
ROXY
That
isn't how it ends.
CYRIL
It
isn't?
ROXY
No.
(She looks at him)
It
ends with a kiss.
CYRIL
It
does?
ROXY
Yes.
CYRIL
Really?
(He climbs up again)
Could
you perhaps... show me?
ROXY
(She looks at him
critically and then smiles. She leans to
almost kiss him)
In your dreams.
(She pushes him
off. KELLY rushes out and faces audience)
KELLY
Well,
folks. That was an interesting twist in
tonight�s show. We will now have a ten
minute intermission�
CAPTAI
N
(Storms
onto the stage. Rips up a
contract in front of KELLY)
I
quit!
(Exits)
KELLY
Let�s
make that a twenty minute intermission and we�ll be back� with something.
(Angrily calls to CYRIL
under her breath)
Get
over here.
CYRIL
Something wrong?
KELLY
Thanks
to you, the theatre group canceled the rest of tonight�s performance. Now what am I going to do?
CYRIL
Hey! Let�s have a community talent show.
KELLY
You
mean right now?
CYRIL
Give
a prize. That will make them happy.
KELLY
(Sighs)
I
guess. What else can I do?
KELLY
(ROXY exits as CYRIL
enters. He watches her go)
You
ready?
CYRIL
Of course.
(To audience)
Everyone?
Can I have your attention please?
Due to a sudden attack of stupidity, we will not be showing our
regularly scheduled play. Instead I
present to you a talent show where you, the audience, can be a part of it. First prize� $100.
KELLY
$100?
CYRIL
(Aside)
Just
play along.
KELLY
Easy for you to say. It�s not your $100.
CYRIL
I�ll
start things off by reciting some of my poetry.
CAPTAIN
(Appears out of
audience)
I
thought you said this was a talent show.
It can�t be one with you in it.
CYRIL
You�re
still here? Did the rest of the theatre
group leave without you?
CAPTAIN
Aren't
you being a little nosey?
(Referring to CYRIL'S
nose)
I
guess you're probably always nosing around.
(CYRIL is mad. ROXY, SOLDIER, KELLY reappear on stage)
What's
wrong? I guess nobody nose!
CYRIL
Is
that all you can think up?
CAPTAIN
I'm
sure I could come up with a few more.
CYRIL
I
bet you can't.
CAPTAIN
Wanna bet?
CYRIL
Gladly.
KELLY
Cyril. What are you doing?
(CYRIL waves her down)
CYRIL
I
challenge you to a dual of jokes.
Whoever tells the most nose jokes...
(CAPTAIN is up on stage)
CAPTAIN
Yes?
CYRIL
(Thinks. CYRIL motions to ROXY)
Gets a kiss from the lovely lady.
KELLY
Cyril!
ROXY
No,
it's okay.
CAPTAIN
(Comes
onstage. Eyeing ROXY)
I'll
gladly accept as long as it�s a real kiss, not one of those stage kisses.
ROXY
(Winks at CYRIL)
It
depends who wins.
(FRIENDS cat call from
audience)
CYRIL
Shall
we begin?
CAPTAIN
Okay,
big nose.
(Laughs)
There's
one.
CYRIL
That's
it? I guess I shouldn't expect much from
someone who must use his nose to count to eleven.
FRIEND
(From audience)
One
- one!
CYRIL
No,
no. We are insulting my nose, not
his. Let's see. Oh, yes.
Aggressive: Sir, if I had such a nose, I would cut it off to please, not
spite, my face.
(Looks at audience)
One
- one.
CAPTAIN
Your
nose is so big you must use a box of tissues a day.
(A few boos from FRIENDS)
CYRIL
Oh,
let's give it to him. Two - one.
(Thinks)
Hmmm. Ah,
here's one: Hey, that thing's nearly a house... and wow, what a view!
FRIEND
Two
- two!
CAPTAIN
(Frustrated. Then smiles)
I've
seen a bigger nose. On
an elephant.
CYRIL
Very good.
Three - two.
(Thinks.
Smiles)
On
exercise: I've heard of people developing their muscles, but developing your
nose? It�s the noseflex
exercise challenge.
FRIEND
Three
all!
CAPTAIN
(Annoyed)
Uh,
your nose is so big you... you...
CYRIL
See
the snot before you hear the sneeze?
FRIEND
That
point goes to Cyril.
CAPTAIN
He
didn't let me finish.
CYRIL
Go
ahead.
CAPTAIN
It's
so big... you're always nosing around.
(Boos)
CYRIL
No
point.
(CAPTAIN scowls)
Gracious:
How kind of you! How many people put a
bird perch on his face?
CAPTAIN
Now
look here...
CYRIL
When
you have a cigarette and blow out your nose, do the neighbors cry, "Look
out! A chimney's on fire!"
CAPTAIN
Forget
it... I'm through...
CYRIL
(Stops him)
But
I'm just getting started. When you go to
the movies, do they charge you twice?
FRIEND
Seven
to three!
CAPTAIN
It
is not!
CYRIL
(CAPTAIN is really
ticked)
And
for my final insult: Musical. Sing with
me now:
(FRIENDS sing)
Nobody
NOSE the trouble I've seen. Nobody NOSE
my sorrow.
(FRIENDS give wild
applause)
CAPTAIN
I'm
out of here.
CYRIL
Don't
forget to write.
ROXY
It�s
about time somebody put that jerk in his place.
(Smiles at CYRIL who
suddenly becomes shy)
And for your prize... a kiss.
(She kisses him. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)