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BUCK’S BIG BREAK
by D. M. Larson
Copyright © 2005
CAST OF CHARACTERS
RHONDA: Woman on an internet date
BUCK: Creepy guy who thinks he’s a ladies man
MINNY: A Native American seller of anything she can think of who befriends RHONDA
TIME and PLACE
La Ventana Restaurant in Tipping Rock, NM
SCENE 1
(RHONDA sits at table in restaurant. Looks at watch nervous. Looks for waitress and MINNY comes over with Kachinas. MINNY is a little Navajo women)
RHONDA
Are you the waitress?
(MINNY holds out Kachinas and doesn’t say anything)
Oh, you’re selling Kachinas? I’ve heard about these.
(RHONDA holds one – it’s actually a pretty bad one but RHONDA doesn’t know)
My friend in Santa Fe told me about them. Very rare and unique I’m told. These are very rustic... gives them real character. I can tell they are hand made.
(Piece falls off. MINNY gives her another one to look at. They are guy and girl Kachinas)
They make a nice couple. I hope I can say the same about my date today. I can’t believe I’m on a blind date.
(MINNY sits and listens as RHONDA looks at the Kachinas)
According to the dating website, this guy and I are a perfect match and we exchanged some great emails… but still. I just don’t know.
(MINNY has closed her eyes)
Sorry. Inner-monologing again. Hope I didn’t bore you.
(MINNY wakes up and shakes her hair no)
Are they signed? My friend said the check for that when looking at Kachinas.
(RHONDA checks the bottom and it’s a crayon signature)
Oh, I’ve got to buy one of these.
(RHONDA gets cash from her purse)
How much?
(MINNY takes the cash from her hand and exits)
Oh, well. I still think I got a deal.
(Her date, BUCK arrives in sunglasses with big box. Drops box next to table and startles RHONDA)
BUCK
Wow, you are one hot, chicky-boo. Your picture doesn’t do you justice.
RHONDA
Excuse me?
BUCK
I am Buck, you companion for the evening.
RHONDA
Uh, hi.
(They shake hands and she looks at it after as if his had something on it and she looks for somewhere to wipe it and eventually does a napkin)
I have to say your picture doesn’t do you justice either.
BUCK
Really? All the babes think I look hot in that picture.
RHONDA
Well, I got the impression you looked a lot like Tom Cruise from it.
BUCK
I get mistaken for him all the time.
RHONDA
(Under her breath)
Somebody’s mistaken, that’s for sure.
BUCK
I’ve been trying to get on that one dating website, greatlookers.com but they have all these rules. You have to do a webcam meeting and they said the same thing about my picture, that I don’t look anything like it. But I swear, if I sit real still, I do indeed look just like Tom Cruise.
(Poses for her with sunglasses)
RHONDA
(To herself)
Real still in a dark room maybe.
BUCK
But you, sweet thang, could be on supergreatlookers.com…
RHONDA
Gee, thanks.
BUCK
I knew when I saw your picture online that you’d be the one, baby.
RHONDA
I don’t normally do this sort of thing. You know, internet dating. I always swore I’d never do a blind date.
BUCK
That’s one of the best dates I’ve ever had… with this blind chick. She really knew how to use her hands.
(RHONDA sighs)
RHONDA
(Looks behind table at the box BUCK brought in)
So, what’s in the box?
BUCK
Oh, just some stuff. Nothing important.
(Moves box to other side of table so audience can see it now trying to get it out of RHONDA’s sight. It says TRASH on the side)
RHONDA
It’s marked Trash?
BUCK
Uh, that’s code.
RHONDA
For?
BUCK
Uh… t… totally rad… always shiney… and hot!
RHONDA
Which means?
BUCK
I’m not sure.
(BUCK is trying to think of a good comeback but his brain freezes. RHONDA sighs and tries to make small talk)
RHONDA
You said in your emails that you like to make movies?
BUCK
I do. And you’re an actress.
RHONDA
Well, sort of. I’ve been in a few movies when I was younger. It’s tough to find jobs after 25... they like the young ones.
BUCK
I like all the babes. I don’t mind a little gray. As long as they can play.
(RHONDA self-consciously looks at her hair but tries to ignore the comment)
RHONDA
So are you on your own or with some small independent startups company?
BUCK
I’m neither small nor a startup if you know what I mean.
(MINNY enters again with a tray of jewelry to sell. Shows it to invisible patrons)
RHONDA
Not really. Besides, my friends said this is one of the best restaurants in New Mexico and I never miss a chance to try something new. Where is that waitress?
(MINNY comes over)
BUCK
That’s not a waitress. That’s just some lady trying to sell her stuff. Just wave her away.
(BUCK tries to shoo her away with a hand motion. RHONDA calls her over instead. MINNY plops tray of jewelry on table but doesn’t say anything. RHONDA looks at jewelry impressed)
RHONDA
Did you make all this?
BUCK
Probably or some of her family on the rez.
RHONDA
The rez?
BUCK
The Navajo reservation. It’s all around us here.
RHONDA
Wow, how much for this?
(MINNY holds up a single finger. RHONDA is shocked)
One dollar? What a deal!
BUCK
One hundred maybe.
(MINNY nods)
RHONDA
I’ll bet my friends back in LA would love this stuff.
BUCK
And it’s way more in Santa Fe. Buy direct, baby. That’s the way.
RHONDA
My friends told me to bargain though. How about these four for $200?
(MINNY shakes her head sadly picks up the tray and suddenly develops a limp as she walks away. RHONDA looks concerned)
BUCK
Forget it. Let her go.
RHONDA
But everything she has is so nice.
(MINNY sighs and returns. She holds up three fingers)
RHONDA
Three for $200?
(MINNY nods sadly)
BUCK
You could do better.
(MINNY knocks over glass of water at BUCK who just manages to escape getting wet. RHONDA tries not to laugh)
RHONDA
Oops.
BUCK
Hey!
(RHONDA pays and gets the three pieces of jewelry. MINNY stuff money down shirt and exits without a limp)
RHONDA
These are great. My friends are going to love this. Authentic jewelry from the reservation.
BUCK
That’s why people love this restaurant. They let the local artists sell to customers. Shopping by candlelight is what I like to call it. Shopping by the luminaries as they say here.
RHONDA
I’ve really got to learn Spanish now that I’m in New Mexico. This restaurant is called La Ventana. What does that mean?
BUCK
(Tries to speak soft, sex and Latin)
It’s very romantic really. La Ventana means “the window” and reminds me of one my favorite sayings “Los eyes somos La Ventana de la soul.” That’s Spanglish for the eyes are the windows of the soul.
RHONDA
Spanglish?
BUCK
Spanglish a mix of Spanish and English. For example, I might look at you and say, “Tu son muy sexy” which means…
RHONDA
No, need to translate.
BUCK
Yes, the language of love is universal isn’t it?
RHONDA
(Disgusted)
Look. I’m not some “babe” you found at a bar.
BUCK
What do you mean?
RHONDA
What’s with all the lines?
BUCK
This is how I talk to all the chicky-changas.
RHONDA
Chicky-what? Are you for real?
BUCK
I am 100% real all beef patty, baby.
RHONDA
Just keep your special sauce on that side of the table and we’ll get along just fine.
BUCK
We are getting along rather nicely aren’t we?
(RHONDA looks at him in disbelief and BUCK winks. His cell phone rings)
Excuse me a minute. Probably some other hot babe wanting a piece of the old Buckster.
(answers)
Oh, hi mom.
RHONDA
That’s neat that you still talk to your mother. So many guys these days are totally disconnected from their family…
BUCK
Come on, mom. I cleaned my room.
(Gets up from table trying to keep RHONDA from hearing)
What do you mean you cut the padlock off my door! That’s my private room.
(RHONDA can’t believe what she is hearing)
RHONDA
You still live at home?
(BUCK steps further away)
BUCK
I know it’s your house… is that why you didn’t pick me up from work? I can’t believe you… I had to walk two miles with a heavy box of… you know. What do you mean I can’t bring Trash home again… Mom… Mom… I’m hanging up… Fine, change the locks… see if I care.
(Ends call)
RHONDA
Mom?
BUCK
Uh, that’s… a game my friend and I play… he’s my roommate and likes to boss me around so I call him Mom since he acts like one.
RHONDA
Really?
BUCK
I wish my bike was out of the shop then I wouldn’t have to bum rides all the time.
RHONDA
Do you have a Harley? I love those.
BUCK
No, Schwinn.
RHONDA
So, tell me about your movie so I can at least write off this lunch.
BUCK
Well, it’s about a chicken…
RHONDA
A chicken?
BUCK
Not just any chicken but the chicken champ of Chimayo.
(Reaches into box)
RHONDA
You have a tape to show me?
(Chicken sounds and maybe feathers fly as BUCK struggles with box)
BUCK
Well, I’ve got something here for you that you’ll like way better than a tape. Ow!
(BUCK jumps back nursing his finger. MINNY enters again)
RHONDA
Trash is a chicken?
BUCK
He’s not just any old chicken. He’s a fighter. I call him Trash because he trashes the competition.
(BUCK kicks the box and the chicken clucks in protest)
RHONDA
You’d don’t do that chicken fighting stuff do you? That’s horrible.
(BUCK suddenly realizes that things aren’t going his way on the date. Decides to change the subject)
BUCK
Hey, look. Minny’s got something new.
(BUCK waves MINNY over)
RHONDA
(MINNY hands RHONDA a brick)
This looks like a brick.
BUCK
Look, it says something on the bottom.
RHONDA
“Brick from the ancient ruin of Tippyleany.”
BUCK
And it’s got the artist’s signature. Priceless.
RHONDA
Is this really from an old native ruin? This is so cool. I have a friend who is an amateur archeologist. She’d love this. I’ll take it. I’m about out of cash. $50 okay?
(RHONDA pays MINNY who stuffs money in shirt and goes)
BUCK
Wow, you’re so lucky. I’ve never seen her sell anything like that before.
RHONDA
Now this is something you can’t even find in Santa Fe.
BUCK
You won’t find a deal like that anywhere but here in Tipping Rock.
RHONDA
Isn’t it illegal to own artifacts?
BUCK
I think you’re safe with that one. So you still want to hear about my movie?
RHONDA
Sure, why not?
BUCK
I’ll act it out for you.
RHONDA
Act it out?
BUCK
Prepare yourself for the Chicken Champ of Chimayo.
(BUCK pulls out a stuffed animal rooster or cut outs of a rooster or even a silly hats or even rubber chickens)
BUCK
It was a dark day in the dusty street in some desperado town. The ancient arena rose like the aurora borealis only appearing briefly in the twilight tucked away somewhere so only the faithful knew where. Cock fighting struggled to stay alive in a day when people no longer used animals for sport. But the tradition was strong and the followers devout. They knew that as long as one rooster lived, there would be no end of this tradition. Yes, one cock stood above them all. It was Chantecler, the mighty. All challengers were ripped to threads when they entered his arena. The crowd worked into an otherworldly frenzy… entranced by the blood of the weak. Then one night when the air was cold and the faithful few, came a little old lady and her little chicken. It was the scrawniest, sorriest looking thing you’d ever seen. When the old lady stood opposite Chantecler and held her little hen, people readied themselves for a quick KO. Everyone knew it would be over before it started. Even Chantecler looked bored. But what no one knew was that this chicken had one thing different about it than any before. It had been raised on the soil of Chimayo, scratching for a lifetime in the miracle mud for a tiny bit of magic. A magic that would transform them all. The little lady set her hen in the arena and Chantecler was released. But Chantecler paused, puzzled by this new opponent. The hen pecked a few time and then walked up to the big rooster still splashed with the blood of his last fight. Could it be? Did Chantecler step away? No, we must be seeing things. The hen moved closer. Chantecler looked unsure. The hen gave Chantecler a gentle peck, almost a kiss. And Chantecler fell at her feet. There was a gasp when someone realized what had happened. Was Chantecler dead? Then the chicken let out a mighty cluck and an egg popped from her butt and rolled over to Chantecler’s side. The old lady picked up her hen and then the egg… someone swore the egg shone gold in the fading sunlight. And the faithful faded too for mighty Chantecler was dead.
RHONDA
And you’ve got all this on tape?
BUCK
More or less. Pretty amazing huh?
(MINNY enters and holds up a bag of nuts)
BUCK
Hey, look. She’s got pinion nuts.
(Pulls out wallet and buys a bag from MINNY)
You’ve got to try these, baby. They’re great. You can only harvest them every so many years.
(Buys a bag from MINNY and hold open bag out to RHONDA)
RHONDA
I’m so hungry I’d eat almost anything right now… How do I get it open? It’s so tiny.
BUCK
(Demonstrates)
Bite it open.
RHONDA
(Bites open shell and then tries nut)
Hey, this is pretty good.
(To MINNY)
So Minny, do you grow these yourself?
BUCK
No, they grow on bushes in the wild.
RHONDA
Wow, these are so tiny. It’s got to take forever to pick them.
BUCK
Well, the easiest way is to go and dig up rat middens…
RHONDA
(Gags and spits out nuts)
What? You mean she dugs these out of rats’ nests?
BUCK
No, I said that was the easiest way. Minny does it the hard way, which is picking them by hand, that way you get quality nuts. And Minny only wants the best nuts…
(MINNY smacks BUCK in the back of the head and exits)
So you want another bite of my nuts?
RHONDA
The only nut here is you. I’m sorry. I can’t take this anymore. I’m going.
BUCK
Wait, please. The food here is great. At least have something to eat before you go. It’s a long drive back to Santa Fe. I’ll get you a waitress. I kind of paid them to leave us alone for a little big, so we could get to know each other.
(RHONDA starts to get up)
RHONDA
I can’t believe this.
BUCK
Please stay. You’re hungry. I can tell. I’ll go order us something right now. I’ll even leave after you get the food.
RHONDA
How about you get a waitress and then you leave immediately?
BUCK
Fine, sure. Whatever you want.
(MINNY enters and goes up to RHONDA with rolled up rugs)
RHONDA
I’m not sure I’m in the mood for shopping right now, Minny.
(MINNY starts to go. RHONDA gets annoyed and picks up brick)
Hey, Minny are you sure this brick you gave me is authentic? I’ve been looking at it and…
(MINNY unrolls a rug)
What’s this…
(Reads rug – saying for vary depending on rug used in play)
“If this trailer is a rockin, don’t come a knockin.” Don’t tell me you made this…
(MINNY turns rug around and there is writing on the back)
Based on ancient Navajo saying.
(Sighs)
Maybe you should sell me the rug that says there’s a sucker born every minute.
(MINNY pulls out a rolled up rug and gives it to her)
Do you take checks?
(MINNY smiles)
This is an all time low for me. I’m sitting here in nowhere New Mexico, meeting with creepy guy. Hollywood is so far away now.
(MINNY pats her on the shoulder and then sits and motions her to tell about it. During following MINNY falls asleep)
Everything is so far away now. I was in some good movies once. I was pretty and popular… I was hoping Buck was for real and I’d get another break. But who would want to see me in anything now? The buffets have been too kind to me. Or maybe it’s this all-dessert diet I’m on. Either way, I’m just not want they’re looking for anymore. Washed up after 25. I guess I’ll have to get a real job now. I wonder if this place needs a waitress.
(MINNY snores loudly and RHONDA laughs and wakes her up)
I’m sure that’s the last thing you wanted to hear. I’ll be happy to look at anything you’ve made but the rug is a bit of a stretch. Come back when you’ve got something else hand-made okay? Like a pot or something. The pots they make around here cost a fortune up in Santa Fe but I bet you could get me a good deal.
(MINNY smiles and pats RHONDA on the shoulder and exits. BUCK returns)
BUCK
For some reason the waitress won’t talk to me.
RHONDA
Gee, I wonder why.
BUCK
But don’t worry. I ran across the street to the gas station and got you a foot long.
(He puts hot dog down in front of her and licks his fingers)
RHONDA
I’m a vegetarian.
BUCK
A what?
RHONDA
I don’t eat meat.
BUCK
Why not?
(RHONDA gets up and gathers her stuff)
RHONDA
This has been the worst date I have ever been on in my life.
BUCK
Oh, come on. It hasn’t been that bad.
RHONDA
Bad? Bad? Bad doesn’t begin to describe it.
BUCK
You know. You’re kind of sexy when you’re mad.
RHONDA
Uh!
(RHONDA tries to go but as too much to carry)
BUCK
Here, let me help you carry everything.
RHONDA
No, I’m fine.
(BUCK tries to grab the Kachinas)
BUCK
I’ve got it.
RHONDA
Let go!
(MINNY enters with pot)
BUCK
Come on, baby. Don’t get all woman’s lib on me. Sometimes you need a man to help.
RHONDA
Then find a man and I’ll ask him to help.
(They struggle with stuff)
BUCK
Oh, you’re such a sassy chicky.
(RHONDA falls backwards and BUCK lands on top of her)
BUCK
Oh, baby. Now this is how I like it.
RHONDA
Get off!
(RHONDA pushes him off. BUCK rolls downstage laughing. RHONDA grabs the pot from MINNY. BUCK gets up)
BUCK
So how’d you like your first ride on the Buckster express?
(RHONDA smashes BUCK over the head with the pot)
RHONDA
(To MINNY)
Thank you.
MINNY
You like the pot?
RHONDA
I love it.
(RHONDA pulls out checkbook)
Hopefully this will cover the cost of the pot… and the entertainment. Ah, that felt good.
(Finishes writing and hands over a check)
I guess I better tell someone so they can come clean up this mess.
(MINNY shakes her head no and wakes RHONDA off)
You sure? Won’t you get in trouble?
(MINNY pats her on the shoulder and shoos her away)
Thanks so much, Minny.
(RHONDA takes her stuff and goes)
END OF PLAY
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Thank you for selecting my script. Have fun and enjoy the play.
Sincerely,
D. M. Larson