FART-ZEN

 

By

 

D. M. Larson

 

Copyright (c) 2005

All Rights Reserved*

 

  

 

 

 

CAST OF CHARACTERS

(Three or more actors, any gender)

 

STEPH: Stressed out business woman (can be a man STEVE).

MASTER:  Fart-Zen master who teaches relaxation techniques.

PUPIL:  There can be one PUPIL or a dozen.   Very flexible.

 

(Lights come up on a studio that is a cross between a yoga and karate studio.   PUPILS are dressed in white and are in various strange positions in a state of meditation.  Each PUPIL has a small box next to them.  NOTE: There can be one PUPIL or a dozen.  The Fart-Zen MASTER stands before them also in a state of meditation.  STEPH enters.  STEPH is in a business suit with her hair up.  Everything about her scream tension.  She stops worried she has interrupted them)

 

STEPH

Oh, I'm so sorry.   I didn't realize you were in the middle of a session.  I'll come back.

 

MASTER

No, please enter.   All are welcome here.

 

STEPH

Hello, I'm Stephanie Miller.  

(Pulls out a business card and gives it to the MASTER.  STEPH turns and looks at PUPILS.   MASTER tosses card carelessly)

I was referred here by my doctor.   She says I've got way too much stress in my life and she prescribed some relaxation exercises.   Your Fart-Zen school comes highly recommended for it's success in relieving all kinds of stress and anxiety disorders.

                        (STEPH has been pacing nervously.  MASTER stops her)

 

MASTER

It is said "far-zen".

 

STEPH

Oh... so sorry.   T is silent.   Got it.   Kind of like Mozart but the opposite.   He must have taken your T sound. 

 

MASTER

Perhaps.    Pupils.   Assume position... Ichi.  

(PUPILS all shift into a similar position and all fart as they do so.  NOTE: The farting will most likely will have to be done with a recording unless you have some really talented farters in the cast.  STEPH looks at them in disgust but MASTER says nothing)

 

MASTER

So what is the source of your tension?

 

STEPH

Huh?   Oh, work I guess.

 

MASTER

You seem distracted.

 

STEPH

Every since I got this promotion, I've been a total air head.

 

MASTER

Position Ni!

 

                        (PUPILS shift again to a new position and fart more)

 

STEPH

Are they okay?

 

MASTER

They are reaching a state of advanced relaxation.

                        (To PUPILS)

Refuel!

(PUPILS sit by their boxes and pull out various things to consume such as bean burritos, soda, broccoli, apples, milk, cheese, etc.)

 

STEPH

Wait a minute.   What is exactly the whole idea here?

 

MASTER

All tension is something that is within you.   Stress becomes bottled up and new stress makes it all shaken and builds inside you.   If you have to way to relieve that stress, then it grows until it becomes unhealthy and even painful.   Is your tension causing you pain?

 

STEPH

It does.   I get these panic attacks... I swear I was having a heart attack.

 

MASTER

And one day you may unless you have a proper way to expel the demon which festers within.

                        (To PUPILS)

Prepare for the next position!

                        (PUPILS rush excitedly and get themselves set)

Position San!

                        (PUPILS bend in various positions and there is a some serious farting)

 

STEPH

Oh, man!

                        (The smell is too much for STEPH and she covers her mouth)

 

MASTER

We must all reach a state of perfect relaxation.   But only the Fert-zen master can achieve such a perfect state through repeated practice.   The goal of all Fert-zen students is to reach position Shi.

 

PUPILS

Show us, Master.   Show us position Shi.

 

STEPH

No, that's okay... I...

 

MASTER

Prepare for position Shi.

 

(PUPILS all clear floor and wait excitedly as MASTER gets in a strange position.  Long pause.   Suddenly the fart comes quietly then builds and gets stronger.  The PUPILS are in ecstacy.  STEPH leaves in disgust.  The fart grows and lights fade to black.   The fart builds and then stops.   Then continues after a moment almost explosively.   The PUPILS clap.   Wait for silence from audience and then a little fart then comes again just to finish it off.  Wait for silence again. Slight pause)

 

PUPIL

You are the master.

 

END OF PLAY