Monologue by D. M. Larson
Adapted from the published play "Holka Polka"
SHORT SELECTION FROM THE SCRIPT
(Witches gathered at meeting. Witches and wizards in background can resemble famous ones from movies, books and TV. Witches are all talking and cackling loudly)
Hey, you witches. Quiet down.
(All WITCHES continue to talk)
Everyone quiet before I turn you all into toads!
(Talking dies down except for one witch ZOOM who keeps talking about her new broom. HILDA goes over to her and gives her the evil eye)
And this new broom I got has the coolest features. It can go 0 to 60 in a scream and...
(She stops and turns to see HILDA)
(HILDA pulls out her wand and ZOOM runs)
(ZOOM is off stage and HILDA waves her wand and there is a boom and the lights go up and down. After a moment:)
All right, you witches. We've got ourselves a serious PR problem here.
What do you mean?
Witches have got a seriously bad name here in Fairy Tale land and it's only getting worse since the Hansel and Gretel incident. I mean, come on people. Eating children. That's just low.
But they were eating my sister's house, Eating it! Can you believe it? I've heard of eating someone out of house and home but that's ridiculous.
That's what she gets for making her house out of candy.
But candy is the construction material of tomorrow. I'd bet my wand on it.
So you witches have a problem then. Why do we wizards need to be here?
Because they're thinking of getting rid of all magic.
What? They can't do that.
They can and they will unless we turn things around and prove we can handle having magic.
Wait a minute. Who is saying they will take our magic?
(All witches and wizards respond in knowing disgust)
The fairies. It figures.
Can they really take our magic?
They gave it to fairytale land in the first place. And now they want it all back because they think we can't handle it.
That's so like them. All kind and giving and they make everyone all happy and then they snatch is away.
So what do we do to keep our magic?
Dress like fairies?
(ZORKA flitters around and witches cackle)
This is no time for jokes. We have a crisis here. I mean, what's a witch without her magic?
A really bad cook?
We're nothing, I tell you. We'll be just a bunch of old ladies!
(GANDOLT clears his throat)
And men with bad hair and skin.
I always thought I was pretty enough to be a fairy.
Somebody's magic mirror has been lying to them.
(SWEET gives ZORKA a dirty look)
So what do we do, Hilda? How do we save our magic?
We have to do a major PR thing. Good deeds and stuff.
We can't do that. It's so... not us.
Then say "poof" to your magic and learn to use chopsticks because that's all our wands will be good for.
Fine, fine. Tell us what we need to do, Hilda.
We need to do a good deed. Not just any good deed, but a whopper of a good one.
I could let that one girl out of that tower?
And I could let those kids out of my cookie jar?
No, bigger. We're going to save the Prince.
Oh, dear. The fairies won't like that.
But think of the PR. Witches saving the Prince. And before some bubble headed princess manages to do it.
So what's wrong with the Prince?
He's been put under a sleeping spell.
(ZORKA pokes SNORZ who wakes up. SNORZ is an old Italian godfather type wizard)
What? I didn't do it.
No, none of us did it. It may have been a fairy.
A fairy turned bad, on the next Jerry Springer.
So you want me to wake him up?
No, we need to do a whole makeover. We need to send the nicest, cutest witch we can find.
Well, if you insist.
She's cute in the dark.
END OF SAMPLE SCENE
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