DEDICATION: To my beautiful wife Shiela who is a great kisser
and saved me from a heart attack.
People are on a subway. A woman (Dana) is standing
listening to music. Gus is sitting looking at his watch
impatiently. Jay is next to him with a magazine. Lissy sits a ways
away reading a book.
GUS
How long have we been stuck here? I don't think we've
moved at all in an hour. I can't sit here all day. Uh... this is driving
me nuts. What's the hold up?
Jay
No clue. Did you see this article about peace
negotiations in North Korea? Kim Jong Un says he'll only talk to Angelina
Jolie. Somebody wants a spanking.
GUS
What? Oh, man.
Dana looks over at Gus and notices he is in distress.
JAY
I made that last part up. It doesn't say that.
GUS
Man... oh...
JAY
You okay?
GUS
I... uh... man...
JAY
You don't look so good.
GUS
What's wrong with me?
JAY
Maybe it's something you ate. That egg salad sandwich
was not a natural color.
GUS
Man... Uh! I think this is it... this is that heart
attack my doctor promised me... I think this is the big one...
Jay
Geez... really? Now? Can't you hold it in or
something?
GUS
Oh... oh... man!
Suddenly Dana goes over to Gus, sits next to him and gives
him a huge kiss. He is startled at first and then calms down and enjoys
it. She stops kissing and Gus looks very happy.
Dana
There. Better?
GUS
All better.
DANA
Good.
Dana goes back to her spot and listen to her music
again. Gus and Jay look at her in amazement.
JAY
What was that all about?
LISSY
You were probably just having a panic attack. She
snapped you out of it.
GUS
I'll say.
JAY
Panic again... let's see what she does.
Dana smirks but doesn't look at them.
GUS
Thank you.
Dana shrugs.
JAY
She's hot too. Ask her out.
GUS
What?
JAY
She's hot and she kissed you. Ask her out.
GUS
But... I... I'm so confused.
JAY
The kiss was that good huh?
GUS
Better than good. That was the best kiss I've had in my
whole life.
Dana smiles to herself and does something flirty with her
hair.
JAY
She's flirting. Go for it.
GUS
Uh... uh...
JAY
That's good. Panic. She likes that.
GUS
Stop.
JAY
No, you stop. Stop being so shy. Stop missing out
on life. Stop hiding. Life walked up to you and kissed you on the
lips. Give life a chance. Quit being so dead all the time.
GUS
I have been, haven't I? Dead... dead for a long
time. I can't remember the last time I felt alive.
JAY
I've known you a long time and I can't remember either.
GUS
What happened to me?
JAY
That's the problem. Nothing happened. You never
take a chance. You never take a risk. You play it safe and nothing
happens to you.
GUS
Until now.
JAY
Until now. And now looks pretty good from where I'm
sitting.
Dana gives Jay a dirty look.
JAY (CONT.)
She's a firecracker. Go talk to her.
GUS
But what if... I mean if she...
JAY
She kissed you idiot. She likes you. Go before I
kick you in the balls.
GUS
What?
JAY
I will hurt you if you don't go talk to her.
GUS
Fine. Geez.
Gus goes shyly over to Dana. He isn't sure what to say.
DANA
Hi. I'm Dana.
GUS
Hi. I'm the guy you kissed... Gus.
DANA
That's a cute name.
GUS
Really?
DANA
Adorable.
GUS
It's short for Angus.
DANA
Even cuter.
GUS
So... uh... why... uh...
DANA
Why did I kiss you?
Gus laughs.
GUS
Yes.
DANA
Believe it or not, we ride this subway a lot together.
I watch you... because there's something about you that's different from
everyone... a sweetness about you. You always give up your seat for
women. You even did for me once. If someone forgets a coat or a
bag, you get it and chase after them. If a woman is being bugged by some
creepy guy and they don't like it, you'll interrupt and make sure the woman
safely gets to a taxi, even if the woman doesn't know you're doing it.
GUS
You saw all that.
DANA
Yup... I'm a stalker.
Gus laughs.
GUS
A good one too. I never noticed.
DANA
I'm a ninja.
GUS
Ninja stalker. Good combination.
DANA
Thanks.
GUS
So that's why you kissed me?
DANA
Well, in a way. But even though you do all these nice,
sweet things, you always look so stressed and unhappy. You look like
you're about to have a heart attack at any moment. I see the panic in
your eyes sometimes. I see the stress overwhelming you.
GUS
I didn't think anyone noticed.
DANA
Not even your friend it appears.
Jay is checking out Lissy.
GUS
He has other things on his mind.
DANA
So I told myself, next time you looked stressed and
overwhelmed and on the edge of a heart attack, I was going to give you a great
big kiss.
GUS
That's crazy... and so very nice at the same time.
DANA
Did you like it?
GUS
I really liked it. It might be the nicest thing that's
ever happened to me.
DANA
Really? That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said
to me.
Dana gives Gus another huge kiss.
GUS
Wow.
DANA
Wow worthy kiss... I didn't think I was that good.
GUS
You are.
DANA
I really enjoy kissing you. I had a feeling I would.
GUS
I'm so glad you kissed me.
DANA
I'm so glad you liked it.
GUS
The next car looks empty. Want to go over there.
DANA
And do what?
GUS
Uh... well... I just... we can... talk.
DANA
Okay.
Dana takes Gus by the hand and they exit to the next
car. Jay goes over to Lissy.
JAY
That was pretty wild huh? Her kissing him like that.
LISSY
I thought maybe she was giving a free sample or something.
JAY
You think she's "working"?
LISSY
No, I think she is for real. I believe her story.
I've noticed him too. He is a pretty neat guy. He deserves to find
someone who really appreciates him for who he is. I think we all noticed
him but she was the only one willing to say anything. Women usually don't
make the first move. And he's a sweet guy so he wouldn't make his
move. So he was alone... until now. And now he looks so
happy. That... what happened there... was way better than this
book. Trashy romances novels try to give us the perfect fantasy but that
moment there was way better because it was so much more real. Give me
five minutes of seeing that over reading hours of this junk.
JAY
So women usually don't make the first move huh? They
want to be pursued, don't they?
LISSY
Out of everything I just said, that's all you got out of it.
JAY
Pretty much... so what do you say?
LISSY
Oh, why not.
Lissy kisses Jay. They end the kiss and look
disappointed.
LISSY (CONT.)
I've had better.
JAY
Me too.
Jay goes back to his magazine and starts reading again.
Lissy returns to her novel.
END OF PLAY
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