free solo stage play script monologue

Pirate Monologues

by D. M. Larson

From the published play "The Pirate and the Princess" ISBN-13: 978-1515169765

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"How to be a Pirate" or "An Orchestra of Stink"
by D. M. Larson

Now we need to teach you to be a pirate. Sly will be there to help but you need a few tips from a real pirate first.

Lesson 1... you can't be happy.

Pirates are always grumpy and if something good happens, they growl and get angry. It might look like they are excited but they're not. They're angry that it wasn't better. And they'll stay angry until all the treasures of the world are theirs. And then the anger dies down, they get grumpy again.

Lesson 2... no baths, no washing, no cleaning up, no perfume...

Nope, nada, zip. Pirate's take pride in their stench. It's like a contest or something. And it makes it easier when everyone smells bad. If you're the only one who smells good, it's rough. It's better to blend in the bad smells... it's like an orchestra of stink. If someones out of tune, it throws off the balance.

Lesson number... the next one... You have to stop being so girly. Female pirates are the roughest, toughest, leanest, meanest human beings... nay... creatures! ever travel the sea. If a male steals one gold, you steal two. If a male cuts off one finger, you cut off two. Be better or be dead.



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And here is a sample of this performance and costume for this monologue from our Super Short Mini Monologue Contest

Read the full script "The Pirate and the Princess" (ISBN-13: 978-1515169765) and learn more about Bones:

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Blog post on how copying our scripts without permission hurts us as writers



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Copyright (c) 2001-2017 All Rights Reserved

*Freedrama scripts by D. M. and Shiela Larson are FREE to use in a classroom, audition, competition, or workshop.  

All mentions of the script should include the author (D. M. Larson) and the source (

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IMPORTANT: The text of this script is copyright protected material. You are NOT allowed to repost the text of the script online for any reason (even educational). You may create a link to the script on, but do not republish or redistribute the text of the script in any way online.

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D. M. and Shiela Larson


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