INT. ORIENTAL COUNSELING SERVICES ZEN GARDEN. DAY.
JJ walks up to a sandy field. An old Asian looking man,
MASTER, is raking the sand. JJ walks up to him and MASTER continues to
rake and ignores JJ.
JJ
Is this...
MASTER
Shh...
A NINJA, aka Silent but Deadly, screams and flies out of the
bushes. MASTER
quickly subdues her.
MASTER (CONT.)
You have failed again, Silent but deadly.
NINJA stops off all pouty.
MASTER (CONT.)
See you next Tuesday.
NINJA makes an uncomplimentary gesture and leaves (or so we
think). JJ looks in amazement as MASTER returns to his raking.
JJ
Do I get to learn to be a ninja!
MASTER
No.
JJ
Why not?
MASTER
You are too stupid to be a ninja.
JJ
How do you know that? I mean... I am not.
MASTER
What is the square root of four?
JJ
Uh... could I have another question?
MASTER
See... tooooooo stupid.
JJ
I'm leaving.
MASTER
Yes, run, redneck... run back to jail.
JJ
Okay... maybe I'm staying.
MASTER
You afraid?
JJ
Of prison? Oh, yeah.
MASTER
Fear will only crush you.
JJ
Have you ever been to prison?
NINJA flies out of bushes again. MASTER quickly subdues
her. She slinks away.
JJ (CONT.)
Man, I want to do that.
MASTER
Okay.
JJ
What?
MASTER
I will teach you now.
MASTER gives JJ the rake.
MASTER (CONT.)
Rake.
JJ
Yeap. That's a rake.
MASTER
Rake the sand.
JJ
Uh.. okay.
JJ starts raking. Cut to sun and clouds. Cut back
to MASTER sitting in lawn chair with drink and JJ sweating and tired.
JJ (CONT.)
Am I done yet?
MASTER
No.
JJ (CONT.)
Am I done yet?
MASTER
No.
JJ (CONT.)
Am I done yet?
Silence. Master is gone. JJ looks around and
master suddenly appears in his face.
JJ (CONT.)
Don't do that.
MASTER
Now! ... we wax my car.
JJ
What?
MASTER
We will make a sacred pact.
MASTER gets headband and puts it over JJ's eyes.
MASTER (CONT.)
I promise to teach you the ways of the Ninja. You
promise to learn. I saw. You do. No questions asked.
JJ wanders off blind.
MASTER (CONT.)
Deal?
JJ
Uh... okay.
JJ wanders away and Master picks up a rock.
MASTER (CONT.)
Trust your feelings... feel the rock.
JJ
What?
MASTER throws the rock.
JJ (CONT.) (OC)
Ow!
EXT. Driveway. Day.
Master is in lawn chair, eating a banana. JJ is waxing
car. NINJA runs at MASTER and he tosses the banana peel and she is heard
crashing off screen.
MASTER
Wax on. Wax off.
Ext. House. day.
JJ is painting the house.
MASTER
Go up. Get down. Go up. Get down.
EXT. Back of House. Day.
CU of MASTER.
MASTER
Stick it in.
Shocking noise.
MASTER (CONT.)
Pull it out. Stick it in...
JJ is seen stick something in a light socket.
MASTER (CONT.)
Pull it out.
EXT. FRONT DOOR of house. Day.
JJ walks up to door and sees note that reads, "Put new roof
on house. Carry up... nail down." JJ grabs note and balls it up in
frustration.
JJ
Crap! I can't believe this!
Master walks up with swim floaty.
MASTER
Do you think you're ready...
Suddenly NINJA
jumps out of bushes.
MASTER
Now!
JJ attacks NINJA. JJ does moves MASTER calls out.
MASTER (CONT.)
Wax on. Wax off. Go up. Go down.
JJ's "Go up" move is an upper-cut. JJ's "Get down"
is a Saturday Night Fever type move.
MASTER (CONT.)
Stick it in.
Shot from behind NINJA. JJ thrusts his hand into her
stomach.
MASTER (CONT.)
Pull it out.
JJ pulls out his hand. JJ makes
a karate cry. NINJA grabs her stomach.
NINJA
I've gotta pee.
NINJA runs off.
MASTER
Well done, JJ-san.
JJ walks
proudly toward camera and steps on a rake.
EXT. UnDER TREE. DAY.
Master and JJ sit in meditation.
MASTER
You have achieved much, JJ-san. You are now ready
for your purpose.
JJ
My purpose?
Master hands JJ a fortune cookie.
JJ (CONT.)
Oh, I love these. You know if you add the words "on the
potty" at the end of every fortune, it's hilarious.
JJ reads some real fortunes and adds "on the potty" at
end.
He's laughing, having a good time. Master leaves in disgust. JJ
eventually realizes he's gone.
JJ (CONT.)
Dang. I wonder which one of these was my purpose?