Pete the Pint-Sized Pirate

 

(30 minute version – 14 characters plus optional extras)

 

By

 

D. M. Larson

 

 

---

 

CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

PETE - a small pirate who sets out to rescue the pirates from a sea monster

SCUMMY – young pirate who says mean things to PETE

BOB and ROB the Brave  – Two brothers who pick on PETE.

SUE THE STRONG - Another mean pirate.

SAM THE SMELLY – A mad pirate

CAPTAIN SLUDGE

CAPTAIN SOGGY

GRUNT – wise old pirate who speaks mysteriously

MERMAID Oceanna – helps PETE find the sea monster

WILLY the whale - someone who knows the way to the sea monster

BARNEY the barnacle–attached to the whale and mocks the whale constantly

PEARL the oyster – a game show host

VOICE of game show announcer– she can be some kind of sea animal or mermaid

SEA MONSTER

MAMA MONSTER

 

EXTRAS –more kids for pirates, sea animals, mermaids, etc.

 

 

SCENES

Scene 1 – A pirate’s cove for games and grub

Scene 2 – On the high seas

Scene 3 - An island where the Sea Monster lurks

 

 

SCENE 1

 

(PETE is a very small pirate boy who is anxious to be a big pirate.  PETE enters Pirate’s Cove and sees pirates playing various games and enjoying grub.  Everyone is much bigger than she is and she looks out of place)

 

PETE

                        (To audience)

Hi, I’m Pete.  Pete the…  Well, I don’t have a true pirate name yet. 

 

                                                            SCUMMY

                        (To PETE)

Sure you do.  It’s Pete the Pint Sized Pirate.

                        (Others laugh and then go back to their games)

 

                                                            PETE

Yes, that’s what they call me.  Pete the Pint Sized Pirate.  But I’m tired of it.  I won’t stand for it anymore.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Won’t stand for it?   I thought you were sitting down.

 

                                                            PETE

I’m so tired of short jokes.  Anyway… Today is my big day.  I am finally going to be a pirate.  I’ve dreamed about this day since I was little. 

                        (SCUMMY looks at him)

Well, I’m still little… and I’m still dreaming.  But finally the day has come.  I’m going to do it.  I’m going to be a pirate.

                        (BOB, ROB, SAM and SUE come and inspect PETE)

 

                                                            ROB

No way.  Pirates have to be big.

 

                                                            SUE

And they have to be strong.

                        (SUE holds out her hand to arm-wrestle PETE)

 

                                                            SCUMMY

You scared that Sue will hurt you, Pete?

 

                                                            PETE

I know I’m not as strong as you but I know I’ll be a good pirate.  I’m a hard worker.

 

                                                            BOB

Hard worker?  Some of the best pirates are lazy.

 

                                                            PETE

And I’m sharp as a tack.

 

                                                            SUE

The only sharp thing a pirate needs is her sword.

                        (Pokes at PETE with her sword)

 

                                                            PETE

So if I’m not a big, dumb, lazy killer then I can’t be a pirate?

 

                                                            BOB

                        (Looks at SUE, then at PETE)

Pretty much.

                        (SUE, SAM, ROB and BOB go back to what they were doing)

 

                                                            PETE

There must be someone who would like a hard working thinker like me.

 

                        (SCUMMY laughs at him and then points to CAPTAINS who enter)

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Line em up!

 

(Pirates line up.  PETE gets stuck behind the other pirates and hops around trying to see.  He slips in between two of them)

 

CAPTAIN SOGGY

We need two crews for a treasure run to Tucson.

 

PETE

Tucson?

 

(PETE gets pushed back and hops around behind)

 

CAPTAIN SLUDGE

I get first pick.  I’ll take Rob and Bob the Brave.

 

(BOB happily lines up behind SLUDGE)

 

CAPTAIN SOGGY

I’ll take Sue the Strong and Sam the Smelly.

 

(Everyone steps back so SAM can move over by SOGGY who notices his odor.  SLUDGE and SOGGY continue picking pirates during the following:)

 

                                                            PETE

I was so excited.  This was the first time I tried out for a pirate crew.  Captain Sludge had the fastest pirate ship around.  Everyone was anxious to be with Sludge when the sea speed record of 1812 was broken.   And then Captain Soggy was great too.  Soggy had the only pirate ship that would go underwater.  Really!  But after more and more pirates were picked, I got worried because no one was picking me.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

And I’ll take Scummy the Sweet.

                        (SCUMMY sticks tongue out at PETE and lines up with others)

That’s it then.

                        (Pirates all start to talk and go with CAPTAINS)

 

                                                            PETE

Wait!  What about me?!

                        (Everyone stops and stares at PETE.  Then they laugh)

 

                                                            SCUMMY

No way, shrimp.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SOGGY

                        (Pats PETE on head)

Maybe when you’re bigger.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Right, like that will happen.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

Better stay here and let the big brave pirates go.  We don’t want you to get hurt.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SOGGY

We can’t handle screaming little kids on ships with sea monster afoot.

 

                        (Pirates leave and PETE sits by himself all upset)

 

                                                            PETE

Now I’ll never be a pirate.

                        (PETE cries)

 

                                                            GRUNT

                        (Old GRUNT enters)

What’s this boo-hooing I hear?

 

                                                            PETE

No one wants me to be a pirate.  They think I’m too little.

 

                                                            GRUNT

Do they now?

 

 

 

 

 

                                                            PETE

Everyone laughed at me and said I’d be scared.  I’m not scared of anything.  And I wouldn’t cry…

                        (Wipes away tears)

I’m not afraid of any sea monsters.

                        (Cries again)

Who am I kidding?   I am too little.

 

                                                            GRUNT

You’re not little at all you know.

 

                                                            PETE

What?  Can’t you see me?  I’m tiny.

 

                                                            GRUNT

There’s something I can see that’s bigger than any pirate I know.  Something that you’ll have to see on your own.

 

                                                            PETE

I don’t get it.  What do you mean?

 

                                                            GRUNT

Give it time, Pete and you’ll see.

 

                                                            PETE

                        (Throwing a fit)

But I wanna be big now!!!!!!

                        (Jumps around and screams)

 

                                                            GRUNT

                        (Waits for PETE to stop)

Feel better?

 

                                                            PETE

                        (Calm)

Actually, yes.  Thank you.

 

                                                            GRUNT

Very soon you’ll get your chance to see what you have that is greater than most.

 

                                                            PETE

Well, I’m not moving from this spot until I find out.

 

                                                            GRUNT

Stubborn aren’t we?

 

                                                            PETE

Pete the Stubborn.   Naw, doesn’t sound right.

 

                                                            GRUNT

Patience Pete.  Your moment will come.

                        (GRUNT leaves)

 

                                                            PETE

Old people say the weirdest things.  Me being big?  Now?  But how?   Little did I know that out at sea, something was about to happen that would change my life forever.

 

(A make shift sea and pirate ship is pushed in at one side of the stage by PIRATES and another make shift sea and ship is pushed in on the opposite side.  CAPTAIN SLUDGE, BOB, ROB and other PIRATES are in one boat.  CAPTAIN SOGGY, SAM and SUE and other PIRATES are in the other)

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SOGGY

Set sail for Tucson!

 

                                                            SUE

Captain.  I see something.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

                        (Pops up from sea and does a Jaws impression)

Da-dum.

 

                                                            SUE

Did you see it?

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SOGGY

No.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Da-dum.

 

                                                            SAM

There!

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SOGGY

Whale ho!

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Da-dum.

 

                                                            SUE

That’s no whale.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SOGGY

It’s a…

 

                                                            SUE, SAM and SOGGY

SEA MONSTER!

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Da-da, da-da, da-da.

                        (Attacks ship)

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SOGGY

Everyone pirate for himself!

                        (Runs away screaming)

 

                                                            SUE

Help!  It’s got me.

                        (SEA MONSTER drags off SUE and other PIRATES.  Sinks ship)

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

                        (Sees with spy glass)

Now wasn’t that something.

 

                                                            BOB

What’d you see?

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

Looked like Captain Soggy’s ship was sunk by a… sea monster.

 

                                                            ROB

Sea monster?  Are you mad?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

                        (Appears)

Did somebody say Sea Monster?

 

                                                            BOB

There it is!

                        (SEA MONSTER disappears)

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

Where?

 

 

 

                                                            ROB

It’s gone.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

Likely story.  I think you’re seeing things.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

                        (Pops up so CAPTAIN can’t see)

Yoo-hoo.

 

                                                            BOB

There it is again!

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

                        (Turns.  SEA MONSTER disappears)

Where?

 

                                                            BOB

Right there.  I swear.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

That’s it.  One more outburst out of you and you’ll walk the plank.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Yoo-hoo.

                        (Waves at BOB who points frantically but CAPTAIN SLUDGE is turned                                     away.  SEA MONSTER grabs ROB, BOB and other PIRATES)

 

                                                            BOB

Mommy…

                        (CAPTAIN SLUDGE is left alone)

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

It’s so quiet.  It’s like I’m totally alone…

                        (Looks)

Where is everybody?

                        (Looks down)

Why is my ship filling with water?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

                        (Appears)

I believe you’re sinking.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

You think so?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Most definitely.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

Can you be sure?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Quite.  Because I put the hole in it myself.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

Oh dear.  You’re not…

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

I am.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

Oh dear.  I better…

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Run!

                        (CAPTAIN SLUDGE screams and runs and SEA MONSTER sinks ship)

 

                        (Back to PETE at Pirate’s Cove)

 

                                                            SCUMMY

                        (Runs in)

Ahh!  The horror!  The horror!

 

                                                            PETE

What is it, Scummy?

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Both ships are gone.  Destroyed. 

 

                                                            PETE

But how?

 

                                                            SCUMMY

The sea monster!

 

                                                            PETE

Really?   And the pirates couldn’t stop them.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

They tried but the monster is too powerful.  Both ships are gone forever.

 

                                                            PETE

How did you survive?

 

                                                            SCUMMY

I hid in a barrel when I saw the monster coming.

 

                                                            PETE

You hid?  That’s not very piratey.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Please don’t tell.

                        (SCUMMY runs and hides)

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

                        (Enters with CAPTAIN SOGGY)

I can’t believe our ships are gone.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SOGGY

And the entire crew was captured.

 

                                                            PETE

What are you going to do?

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

What can we do?

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SOGGY

Maybe I’ll open up a little sea side resort.

 

                                                            PETE

You can’t give up.  What about your crew?  You must save them.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

Sorry, but I’m not going out there again.  Not with that monster out there.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SOGGY

And I could serve soda pop and soup with little tiny umbrellas in them.

 

                                                            PETE

So you’re both a couple of chickens.

                        (Both CAPTAINS stop and stare at her)

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

What did you say?

 

                                                            PETE

Chickens. 

                        (Acts like a chicken)

Brock, brock, brock.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SOGGY

I could put chicken between two slices of bread.  Someone showed me that on the Sandwich Islands.

                        (CAPTAIN SOGGY exits)

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

Fine.  You think you’re so brave.  Then you be captain and take care of that sea monster yourself.

                        (Sticks huge captain hat on PETE and it covers her head)

Best of luck to you, Captain.

                        (Laughs and exits)

 

                                                            PETE

                        (Pulls off hat)

Captain?  Was he serious?  Even if he wasn’t, it doesn’t matter.  Someone has to save those pirates. 

                        (Grabs SCUMMY out of hiding)

Come on, Scummy.  We’re going to save some pirates.

 

SCENE 2

 

(PETE and SCUMMY appear in a small boat [they can carry out a cutout of a boat that they carry on and stand behind].)

 

                                                            PETE

So I set sail trying to find our missing pirate friends.  I knew that if I could save them, then I would prove that I was worthy of being a pirate.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

And I knew if I went along, the captains couldn’t find me and string me up for running away.

 

                                                            PETE

But they ran away too.  How can they get mad at you?

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Good point.   Let’s go back and tell them that.

 

                                                            PETE

No, we’ve already come this far.  We’re not going back.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

But I’m…

 

                                                            PETE

You’re what?

 

                                                            SCUMMY

I’m scared, okay?  Happy now.

 

                                                            PETE

It’s okay to be scared.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

No, it’s not.  Pirates don’t get scared.

 

                                                            PETE

I’ll bet they do.  They just don’t tell anyone.  But it’s okay to get scared.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Are you scared?

 

                                                            PETE

For some reason, no.  I’m not sure why.  You think I would be but I’m so set on finding those lost pirates that I haven’t thought about being scared.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Wow, Pete.  You’re really something.

 

                                                            PETE

Hey, did you just say something nice to me?

 

                                                            SCUMMY

                        (Embarrassed)

No.

 

                                                            PETE

Yes, you did.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Can we stop talking now?

                        (Piles of broken ships are pushed in on opposite side of stage)

 

                                                            PETE

Look.  Over there.

 

 

 

                                                            SCUMMY

What is it?

 

                                                            MERMAID

                        (Appears in front of them)

It’s a pirate ship graveyard.

 

                                                            PETE

What a mess.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Who are you?

 

                                                            MERMAID

I’m Oceanna.

 

                                                            PETE

A mermaid.

 

                                                            MERMAID

This is my home.  But it’s ruined.

 

                                                            PETE

What happened?

 

                                                            MERMAID

The pirates came here looking for treasure.  The sea monster got mad and destroyed their ships.

 

                                                            PETE

The sea monster?  Can you help me find it?

 

                                                            MERMAID

Why would you want to do that?   Can’t you see what happened to the last pirates who tried?

 

                                                            PETE

I want to free the pirates that it captured.

 

                                                            MERMAID

You are very brave little pirate.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

No, she’s just crazy.

 

                                                            MERMAID

It’s not safe.  Please turn back before you meet the same fate as the others.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Good idea.  Let’s go home.

 

                                                            PETE

I can’t.  I have sworn an oath to help them.   Can’t you show us the way?

 

                                                            MERMAID

I don’t know the way… but I think I know someone who does.  I’ll see if they’ll talk to you.

 

                                                            PETE

Thank you.

                        (MERMAID goes)

 

                                                            SCUMMY

I can’t believe you’re asking for help. 

 

                                                            PETE

What’s wrong with that?

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Pirates don’t ask for help.  We do everything by instinct.

 

                                                            PETE

No wonder you’re always getting lost.

 

                                                            WILLY

(WILLY is a whale [played by a bigger actor] and has BARNEY the barnacle [played by a smaller actor] attached to him)

The mermaid said you were looking for some directions.

 

                                                            BARNEY

Directions?  You’d get lost in a bathtub.

 

                                                            WILLY

Quiet you.

 

                                                            BARNEY

                        (Mocking)

Quiet you.

 

                                                            WILLY

Will you get off of me?

 

                                                            BARNEY

Will you get off of me?

 

                                                            SCUMMY

What is wrong with you guys?

 

                                                            WILLY

Barney here is a barnacle.  Us whales get stuck with them sometimes.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Can’t you get rid of him?

 

                                                            WILLY

I’ve been trying.

 

                                                            BARNEY

I’ve been trying… but you’re stuck with me baby. 

 

                                                            PETE

Excuse me.  I do hate to bother you, but do you know the way to the Sea Monster’s lair? 

 

                                                            WILLY and BARNEY

The Sea Monster!

 

                                                            WILLY

You don’t want to go there.

 

                                                            BARNEY

The Sea Monster hates pirates.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

So we should go home then.

 

                                                            PETE

No, we’re going. 

 

                                                            WILLY

Looks like you have a barnacle too.

                        (WILLY and BARNEY laugh)

 

                                                            SCUMMY

I’m not a barnacle.   He’s the barnacle.  I’m stuck with him.

 

                                                            WILLY

Why do you want to find the Sea Monster anyway?

 

                                                            PETE

We have to save the other pirates.

 

                                                            WILLY

But I don’t like pirates.  Why should I help you?

 

                                                            BARNEY

Cause I do.

                        (Points)

It’s that way.

 

                                                            WILLY

Don’t tell them that.

 

                                                            BARNEY

Don’t tell them that.

                        (WILLY starts to drag off BARNEY)

 

                                                            PETE

Thanks. 

 

BARNEY

Any time.

                        (Dragged off by WILLY)

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Weirdos.

 

                                                            PETE

Let’s go then.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Do we have to?   I got you this far.  But this is where I turned back before and I plan to again. 

 

                                                            PETE

Come on, Scummy.  Don’t you want to be a hero.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

A hero?

 

                                                            PETE

If you rescue the pirates, you’ll probably get a whole treasure chest of gold…

 

 

 

                                                            SCUMMY

                        (Brightens)

Gold?

 

                                                            PETE

I bet they’ll make you captain.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

                        (Excited)

Captain? 

                        (Smiles)

Let’s go!

 

                                                            PETE

Let’s.

(PETE and SCUMMY make a motion like they are swimming and OYSTERS appear ahead of them.   PEARL is the head OYSTER and is like a game show host.  The other OYSTERS are like a studio audience.  If extras are not available, someone could hold up signs to the audience and the audience could do the OYSTER lines.  Or it could be Mermaids and other sea animals with OYSTERS)

 

                                                            PEARL

Thank you for tuning in to the…

 

                                                            PEARL and OYSTERS

WHEEL…. OF… MISFORTUNE!

                        (Wheel is rolled out)

 

                                                            PEARL

I’m your host Pearl Jam.

                        (OYSTERS cheer)

And I see we have a couple of new contestants.

                        (Goes to PETE and SCUMMY)

Please tell us your names and a little bit about yourselves.

 

                                                            PETE

Hi, I’m Pete.

 

                                                            OYSTERS

Hi, Pete.

 

                                                            PETE

And I’m looking for some pirates who were kidnapped by a sea monster.

                        (OYSTERS go “aaah!”)

 

                                                            PEARL

How exciting!  

                        (To SCUMMY)

And you are?

 

                                                            SCUMMY

None of your business.

                        (OYSTERS go “oooh!”)

 

                                                            PEARL

Welcome None of Your Business.   Are we ready to play?

 

                                                            OYSTERS

Yes!

 

                                                            PEARL

Then let’s spin the wheel.

                        (OYSTERS cheer)

Today’s top prize… directions to the sea monster’s lair.

 

                                                            PETE

That’s what we need.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

But what if we lose?   I’ve heard about the Wheel of Misfortune.   All sorts of bad things happen to the losers.

 

                                                            PEARL

Let’s tell you about the misfortunes on our wheel, shall we?

                        (OYSTERS cheer)

 

                                                            VOICE

(Announcer voice over microphone.  An OYSTER in a blond wig can point at the follow items on the wheel)

Thank you, Pearl.  On the prize wheel, we have being stung by jellyfish…

                        (OYSTERS go “oooh!”)

Skewered by swordfish…

                        (OYSTERS go “aaah!”)

Tickled by tiger sharks…

(OYSTERS go “oooh!”)

Or gargled by a great white…

                        (OYSTERS go “aaah!”)

 

 

 

 

                                                            PEARL

Thank you.

                        (OYSTERS cheer)

And thank you.

                        (To PETE)

Let’s spin the wheel.

                        (PEARL or blond OYSTER spin wheel.  OYSTERS cheer)

 

                                                            SCUMMY

No, Pete.  We can’t play.  It’s too dangerous.

 

                                                            PETE

I don’t think we have a choice.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

We’re doomed.

 

                                                            PEARL

And the wheel stops on…

(Someone can be behind wheel controlling it or the wheel prizes are turned away so audience can’t see)

 

                                                            VOICE

A brand new pearl!

(OYSTERS and SCUMMY cheer.  One OYSTER comes over a coughs up a pearl.  OYSTERS cheer again as SCUMMY looks greedily)

 

                                                            PEARL

Do you want this prize or do you want to spin again?

 

                                                            PETE

We really need the directions to the sea monster’s lair.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

What?!  Look at the size of that pearl.  Are you crazy?

 

                                                            PETE

Spin again.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

No!

 

                                                            PEARL

Spin the wheel!

                        (OYSTERS say “oooh.”  Wheel stops on Sea Monster)

 

                                                            VOICE

Dinner with the Sea Monster!

                        (OYSTERS cheer)

 

                                                            PETE

We did it.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

I don’t believe it.

 

                                                            PEARL

Personally, I would have taken the Pearl.

                        (Hands PETE a map)

 

                                                            PETE

I have to rescue the other pirates.

 

                                                            PEARL

I still would have gone for the pearl.

                        (OYSTERS exit)

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Wait a minute… did you say dinner?  Oh, dear.

 

                                                            PETE

On to the sea monster’s lair!

                        (Lights fade to black)

 

SCENE 3

 

(Lights come up on an island where the sea monster lives.  PETE and SCUMMY enter.  SCUMMY is terrified)

 

                                                            PETE

This must be the sea monsters lair.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

I don’t think this is a good idea, Pete.

 

                                                            PETE

Yes, you said that about a hundred times on the way over.  But someone has to save these pirates.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

And what makes you think we can do it?

 

                                                            PETE

Because I can do anything I put my mind to. 

(Roaring sound off stage.  SEA MONSTER uses microphone for big sound)

 

                                                            SCUMMY

What’s that?

 

                                                            PETE

I don’t know.

                        (Roaring sound again)

 

                                                            SCUMMY

There it is again.

                        (Roaring)

Let’s get out of here.

 

                                                            PETE

But I don’t see anything.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

(A huge shadow appears behind them.  Shadow is cast using a cut out behind a light or by the SEA MONSTER standing being a spotlight.  SCUMMY sees it)

Ahh!  Run!

                        (SCUMMY runs)

 

                                                            PETE

Scummy!  Get back here.

                        (PETE stands ready and faces the shadow)

I guess it’s up to me. 

                        (Bravely calls out)

Show yourself sea monster.  I’m ready for you!

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

                        (Roars. Off)

You better run little pirate before I eat you.

 

                                                            PETE

No, you better run before I eat you.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

                        (Off)

What?  You can’t eat me.

 

                                                            PETE

I can eat anything I want.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

(Enters.  SEA MONSTER is not much bigger than PETE.  SEA MONSTER can be in a costume with one or two actors inside.  If two actors are in costume, one is the head and the other works the hind end and tail)

Why aren’t you scared?

 

                                                            PETE

Hey!  You’re just a little guy.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Usually the shadow scares most of them away.

 

                                                            PETE

How did you do that?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Ancient sea monster secret.

 

                                                            PETE

Come on, you can tell me.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER
You’re a pirate.  I can’t tell you.

 

                                                            PETE

                        (Proud)

Hey, no body has ever called me a pirate before.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

That wasn’t a compliment.

 

                                                            PETE

So what’s the deal?   How can a little monster like you defeat all those pirates?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Oh, that isn’t me.  That’s my mama.   She’s the one who destroys all those ships.

 

                                                            PETE

And she captured all those pirates?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Yes. 

 

                                                            PETE

Then I need to talk to her.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

You can’t do that.

 

                                                            PETE

Why not?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

She won’t talk to you.  She’ll just capture you and torture you like the others.

 

                                                            PETE

Torture?!  That’s terrible.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

They are getting what they deserve.

 

                                                            PETE

I won’t hear of it.  Take me to them or else.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Or else what?

 

                                                            PETE

I… I…

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

You… you… what?

 

                                                            PETE
I won’t tell you my secret.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Secret?  What secret?

 

                                                            PETE

                        (To audience)

Sea monsters can’t resist a good secret.

                        (To SEA MONSTER)

I’ll tell you if you take me to your mama.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Give me a hint…

 

                                                            PETE

Nope.  Not until I see you’re mama.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Not one little hint?

 

                                                            PETE

Sorry.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Fine.  I’ll take you to Mama.  She’ll just capture you though.   She won’t tell you anything.  Follow me.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

                        (Sneaks up on them and stabs SEA MONSTER in the foot with a stick)

Ha!  I got you.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Ow!

                        (Hops around in pain)

 

                                                            PETE

Scummy!  What have you done?

 

                                                            SCUMMY

I’ve defeated the sea monster!

 

                                                            PETE

But if you hurt the sea monster, we won’t know where the pirates were taken.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

Oh.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Who poked me?  That hurts!

 

                                                            SCUMMY

                        (Points to PETE)

He did it.

                        (SCUMMY runs)

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Come back here.  I know a little liar when I see one.

                        (Takes a step and howls in pain)

 

 

 

                                                            PETE

Here, let me help you.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Why would you want to do that?

 

                                                            PETE

Well… I do want you to show me where the pirates are… but…

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

But what?

 

                                                            PETE

I kind of like you too.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

You do?

 

                                                            PETE

I know pirates aren’t supposed to like sea monsters, but I do kind of like you.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

And why is that?

 

                                                            PETE

Because you’re little and you’re so big all at the same time.   I wish I could be as brave and strong as you.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

I don’t feel so brave and strong with this stick in my foot.

                        (Howls in pain)

 

                                                            PETE

Here, let me help with that.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

                        (Moves away)

No.

 

                                                            PETE

Come on. 

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

No, it’s gonna hurt.

 

                                                            PETE

Don’t be a baby.  Let me get it.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Fine, but I can’t look.

 

                                                            PETE

On the count of three I’ll pull it out.  Ready?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Ready.

 

                                                            PETE

One, two…

                        (Pulls out stick)

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

…where’s three.

                        (Looks)

 

                                                            PETE

Stick’s out.   See, it wasn’t that bad was it.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

                        (Looks at stick then howls)

Ow!

 

                                                            PETE

What?  What?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Now it hurts.  Delayed reaction.

 

                                                            PETE

Don’t be silly.  It’s all in your head.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

You think so?

 

                                                            PETE

I know so.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

I guess it’s not that bad.

 

 

 

                                                            PETE

Good.  Now take me to your mama.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Uh, Pete.

(Huge shadow looms up behind PETE.  MAMA MONSTER can remain a shadow unless a production budget allows for a large monster head to appear on stage but this is unnecessary.  A shadow cast by a cutout in a light will work with the voice of MAMA MONSTER on microphone)

 

                                                            PETE

Yes?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

She’s here.

 

                                                            MAMA MONSTER

Hello, baby.  Did you capture another pirate?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Well, not really.  This is Pete.  He wants to talk to you.

 

                                                            MAMA MONSTER

Talk to me?  Why?

 

                                                            PETE

I want you to release all those pirates you captured.

 

                                                            MAMA MONSTER

Why?

 

                                                            PETE

Because what did they do to you?

 

                                                            MAMA MONSTER

They have made a garbage dump of the sea.

 

                                                            PETE

You’re mad at them because they litter.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Pirates make a lot of trash.

 

                                                            PETE

But you’re polluting the sea with broken pirate ships.  

 

                                                            MAMA MONSTER

Good point.  You’re a smart little one. 

 

                                                            PETE

I guess I make up for size with brains.  That must be what that old coot meant.  My brains!  They must be bigger than any pirates.  

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

That’s not saying much.  I think my ear wax is smarter than most pirates.

 

                                                            PETE

So what did you do with the pirates?

 

                                                            MAMA MONSTER

We’re making them pick up all the litter they’ve made. 

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

And that could take a long time.  They’ve littered a lot.

 

                                                            PETE

Would you let them go if I could get them to stop littering?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

You really think you could get them to stop?

 

                                                            MAMA MONSTER

It won’t be easy.

 

                                                            PETE

But if I could, would you let them go?

 

                                                            MAMA MONSTER

Sure.  Why not?

 

                                                            PETE

Great.  Point me to them.  I’ll talk to them right now.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

They’re resting over there.  They have a five minute break every five hours.

 

                                                            MAMA MONSTER

Good luck.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

You’ll need it.

 

                                                            PETE

I’m sure once I explain the situation the pirates will be very reasonable.

                        (Laughs)

Ha!  That’s a laugh.  But I still have to try.

                        (PETE and SEA MONSTER exit)

 

                        (PIRATES enter and are sitting around very tired)

 

                                                            ROB

Can you believe how much trash is out there?

 

                                                            SUE

Where did it all come from?

 

                                                            BOB

That sea monster probably made it all.

 

                                                            SUE

And now we have to clean up after it.

 

                                                            ROB

Do I look like a garbage man?

 

                                                            SUE

Well…

 

                                                            BOB

You looking for a fight, mate?

 

                                                            SUE

Relax.  Save your energy for the trash.

 

                                                            PETE

                        (Goes to them)

Hey, pirates!

 

                                                            ROB

Well, if it ain’t Pete the pipsqueak.

 

                                                            SUE

You get captured too?

 

                                                            PETE

No, I’m here to rescue you.

                        (PIRATES laugh)

 

                                                            BOB

You?  Rescue us?

 

                                                            PETE

It’s true.  I’ve got the Sea Monster to agree to let you go.

 

                                                            SUE

And how did you do that?  Did you scare her with your huge size?

 

                                                            ROB

Did you arm wrestle her with your big muscles?

 

                                                            SUE

Did you chase her around on your long legs?

                        (PIRATES are all laughing)

 

                                                            PETE

No, I only had to talk to the Sea Monster.

 

                                                            BOB

Talk to it?

 

                                                            SUE

Why would you talk to it?

 

                                                            PETE

The sea monster is quite intelligent actually.

 

                                                            ROB

A beast?  Intelligent?

 

                                                            SUE

No way is it as smart as any of us.

                        (PETE gives a look at the audience but resists saying anything)

 

                                                            PETE

I got the sea monster to agree to let you go.

 

                                                            ROB

No way.

 

                                                            SUE

Really?  Let’s go then.

 

 

 

                                                            PETE

But you have to stop littering.

 

                                                            BOB

But we ain’t littering.

                        (Throws down a wrapper in anger)

 

                                                            PETE

Look.  You just littered.

 

                                                            BOB

                        (Tosses another wrapper down angrily)

I did not!

 

                                                            PETE

You did it again.

 

                                                            BOB

This is crazy.

                        (Tosses another wrapper and wanders off)

 

                                                            PETE

Do you really want to be stuck here forever picking up trash?

 

                                                            SUE

Not really.

 

                                                            PETE

Then make a promise and you can go.

 

                                                            SUE

Just a promise, huh?

 

                                                            ROB

That’s it?  One little promise.

 

                                                            PETE

Yes. 

 

                                                            ROB

Sure, why not then.

                        (Winks at SUE)

 

                                                            SUE

What do we do?

 

                                                            PETE

Raise your right hands and say, “I promise not to litter.”

 

                                                            ROB

Okay, pirates.  Swear.

(PIRATES start saying things like “Aw, whale guts.  Kill me a krill.  Shoot me a shark.  Scurvy dogs.  Rats.”  And other silly swear words)

No, no.  The oath.

(They raise their rights hands and cross their fingers on their left so PETE can’t see)                      

 

                                                            PIRATES

We promise not to litter.

 

                                                            PETE

Good.  I’ll talk to the sea monster.

 

                                                            SUE

Sure thing, Pete.   This way you scurvy dogs.

(PIRATES exit and SEA MONSTER appears along with giant shadow of MAMA MONSTER)

 

                                                            PETE

I promise that they will never litter again if you let them go.

 

                                                            MAMA MONSTER

Can I trust you?  You’re a pirate.

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

He’s not like other pirates, Mama.  He helped me when I was hurt.  He is also my friend.

 

                                                            PETE

Really?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Really, really.

 

                                                            MAMA MONSTER

Pirates!

                        (PIRATES rush out and crowd together shaking in fear)

I’ll let them go, but I don’t want to see any more litter.

                        (PIRATES shake head no but have fingers crossed)

Good-bye Pete Pirate.  I wish all pirates were like you.

                        (Shadows fades)

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

Good-bye, Pete.

 

                                                            PETE

Will I see you again?

 

                                                            SEA MONSTER

You bet.

(SCUMMY slinks in cautiously.  CAPTAIN SLUDGE and CAPTAIN SOGGY follow.  CAPTAINS happily greet PIRATES)

Just don’t bring that thing with you.

                        (SEA MONSTER exits)

 

                                                            SCUMMY

                        (Sees PIRATES)

What happened?

 

                                                            PETE

They set the pirates free.

 

                                                            SCUMMY

You saved them.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

I never thought such a little pirate could do such a big thing.

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SOGGY

How would you like to be my first mate?

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

Three cheers for Pete.

 

                                                            PIRATES

Hip-hip-hurray! Hip-hip-hurray! Hip-hip-hurray!

 

                                                            PETE

Thank you all of you.  But this means no more litter.

                        (PIRATES nods in agreement)

 

                                                            CAPTAIN SLUDGE

Let’s go, you scurvy dogs.

(PETE watches PIRATES go with CAPTAINS.  CAPTAIN SOGGY tosses some litter in front of her.  PETE’s jaw drop when she sees the spot where they were standing.  It’s full of litter)

 

 

 

                                    PETE

I see my work is cut out for me.

 

                                                            MAMA MONSTER

                        (Shadow appears)

Is that litter I see?

                        (Big roar)

Pirates!

(PIRATES yell and run across stage and off.  Another big roar.  Pirates run back across stage again)

 

                                                            PETE

Here we go again.

 

END OF PLAY