by D. M. Larson
I live for rainbows. They are magical. I love how they surprise you.
They can happen anywhere and at any time.
Sometimes they're only there for a few seconds but I could watch them for hours.
And you know what's great about them ... Anyone can enjoy a rainbow... Rich, poor, famous, homeless, popular or loser.. Anyone can see them and dream.
The time they dazzle me the most is after a terrible storm. Lightening terrifies me but rainbows bring me comfort again.
There are so many stories about rainbows. You know like leprechauns and pots of gold. I'm embarrassed to admit this but when I was younger, I used to try and find the end of the rainbow. It's not that I'm greedy and want the pot of gold, I was just curious. But rainbows are mysterious and never stay in one place for long.
And then there's Noah ark - one of my favorite stories of all time - not only do you have rainbows but you have cute animals too. Ever notice how Noah only took all the cute ones? At least that's what you see in all the books and cartoons - super cute critters two by two climbing in to Noah canoe - and at the end, there is a rainbow- God's promise to Noah that he would never flood the world again. Although maybe we need another flood - or at least a good cleaning - some of the people around here could use a good holy bath.
Oh! Oh! Look! Lookie! It's a double rainbow!! It's really a double ray-ay-ay-bbbb-boooooow! Thank you rainbows! Thank you! I'm in Heaven.
END OF MONOLOGUE
MORE SCRIPTS FROM THE SAME PLAY (The Bullied, Bungled and Botched)
SCENE - CARRY A STUFFY (LAYLA)
I like to cuddle and hug. I loves stuffed animals. See. I have a new one. What should I name him? I think I will name him Mr. Cuddles.
(She gives the stuffed animal a big hug)
I have all these stuffies for a reason. I get anxiety attacks. I've had them since I was little. I used to scream a lot. Now I panic and can't breath. I don't even know what's scaring me most of the time. So I have to have these cute little guys and I hug the stuffing out of them. It's the only thing that seems to help - well, not always - today I had six anxiety attacks - that must be a new record.
It's the new school, all the new classes, all the new teachers. Why can't we just stay with the same teacher all day? I hate all this switching around - I'm a nervous wreck - I don't know what I'm doing.
So that’s why I carry a stuffy. I need something to help me get through the day. Something to hold on to. I just wish they could hug me back.
END OF MONOLOGUE
Being the new kid at school is like discovering a new planet. Everything is strange and confusing and you're the weird alien everyone is afraid of - well not fear - you are the gross bugged eyes creature that's completely misunderstood.
(LUKE speaks like an alien to someone passing)
"I come in peace." Ignored as usual. Maybe I have on my cloaking device? No one seems to see me.
(He tries talking to more people as they pass and does the related hand motions for the following [ie Star Trek, Mork and Mindy])
Live long and prosper! Nano nano! Those are my geek gang signs.
May the force be with you. How come that one doesn't have a hand sign? It really needs one.
(He tries out different hand and arm motions)
May the force be with you... may the force be with you... may the force make you live long and prosper. I like that. I need to make a t-shirt with that on there.
You know, the principal made me change my shirt. I had one with Spock doing the Vulcan hand signs saying “Go Trek Yourself” Like anyone could be offended by that. He said students are not allowed to wear anything with words on it. Isn't that ironic? A school banning words.
School is not the place to be unique or stand out. They have this mold they want everyone to fit into. If you're not a certain way the whole school says you're not their type and they reject you.
Rejection - life is all about rejection. I am proud to say I have always been the last to be picked for any school activity. Especially when it’s sports. I try to make sure I'm last - and if I am really lucky they have too many team members so I have so sit out. To make sure I am last to be picked I always limp so they think I am a liability - and if they don't notice the limp, I add in a nose pick because who wants to pass the ball to a nose picker? Oh, that's a good idea for a hand sign.
(LUKE picks his nose and holds out his finger)
May the force be with you.
They noticed that one. I know that’s gross but hey, I have my bug-eyed creature reputation to maintain.
END OF MONOLOGUE
Hello. I am taking applications to my official bully. I want to make sure the right person is picking on me day after day. It's a very unique and special relationship. Ready for some questions? Okay. First of all, are you interested in my lunch money or my lunch? Because if you need the cash I will bring that it if you prefer to have me bring a lunch already prepared, I can do that too.
No this isn't a joke. I'm very serious about this. Or do you prefer I tell jokes? Are you the knock knock joke kind where you walk up and knock on my head? Knock! Knock! Or do you prefer the walk in to the bar kind of jokes?
I could try work up some dirty jokes too but that seems more appropriate for your friends to tell than your victims. We have to have the right kind of relationship here. We need familiarity without closeness.
I can provide services such as homework preparation and go-foring - in return I ask that I only receive swirlies at the end of the day so I can go home and shower after. And then one more thing - the most important part of all this - I ask for your protection. I want you to protect me from all the other bullies. This has to be an exclusive bullying arrangement and you have to make sure you step in at the first sign of any danger from other bullies. I like my day to be predictable - deliver your homework in the morning - lunch or lunch money at noon and then a farewell swirly or wedgie in the afternoon - yes I will even throw a few wedgies in the deal - so what do you say? Do we have a deal? Good - sign here please.
END OF MONOLOGUE
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"GUARDIANS OF THE WALLET" by D. M. Larson
An ambulance is coming for you now. And the policy will cover that ride so you're in luck.
(Ralph waves good-bye and watches person go)
He's lucky. Most people wait until it's too late. Last minute is always better than never. Sometimes I think I should set up my office in the lobby of the hospital emergency room. I could probably sign up half the room as they are waiting... what else are they going to do while they wait for help? Come on. What's the number one thing on their minds? They worry about how they'll pay for the hospital. That's where I come in. I kind of see myself as a hero... swooping in to save the day... can't pay your medical bill? Let me do it for you. I know no one sees an insurance salesman as a hero but we really are. You know how much that heart attack would have cost him without me? You know how much a car accident would cost without insurance? We're not the bad guys... we're your knight in shining armor, protecting you from going bankrupt. We are the guardians of the wallet. Don't let them suck you dry. Insurance will protect you... save you... rescue you... and that's what I wanted to always do with my life. Be a hero.
END OF MONOLOGUE
**** “The Cynical Professor” a monologue by D. M. Larson
Okay class. I know you hate classes that are required for your degree so I am going to try and make this as painless as possible.
Because you're taking a lot of loans, using a lot of credit and building up some serious debt to be here, I don't want this class to be any more difficult than it needs to be. I mean you are going to be paying off these loans for the next 20 or 30 years. It's like you're taking out a mortgage and buying a house. And who can afford a house mortgage anymore when you have all these loans, credit and debts piling up just so you can get a degree in Egyptology or Greek mythology?
That brings me to lesson number one in your Freshman Orientation class. You want to make all your loans worthwhile? You want to be able to pay off your credit card debt when you graduate? Then become a lawyer.
Come on... What's with the moans and growns? Being an attorney can be great. Are you a tree hugger and love the Earth? Be an environmental lawyer. Are you into women's rights? There's a attorney for that. Want to help people who are defaulting on their mortgage and losing their homes or being crushed by credit card debt? There are lawyers for that too. Lawyers make a difference. Lawyers change things. Call an attorney if you want to get things done.
Law not for you? You could play the stock market and do some day trading. Or you could be a software designer. Maybe be an engineer and figure out new ways to get us the limitless electricity that we demand or come up with alternate fuels so we no longer need gas in our cars. You can still help the world without picking a degree that will drown you in debt that you can never pay back.
If you want to study a dead language or some mythological beast, go hang out in the library or watch the History Channel, but don't run up thousands of dollars in loans to study something that won't pay the bills. A Egyptologist is not going to change the world, but an attorney just might have the power to right some wrong.
Gandhi was a lawyer. So was Abraham Lincoln. And Nelson Mandela. These are great people that left their mark on history and transformed nations. I'm not telling you to transfer out of your history classes. History has wonderful lessons for us. I'm telling you not to major in it. Learn from history but then USE what you learned. Go out there and change things. And who better to change things than someone who understands how the system works than a lawyer.
Those of you that agree with me will go declare their majors - pre-law, engineering or economics. Those of you that don't, head on over to the library and write me a 10,000 word report on why your major is so awesome and a plan how you are going to pay off all that debt.
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