Sex and the Pregnant Man

 

(a humorous monologue for a male)

 

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GUY (Guy is wearing an empathy stomach sitting on a couch, beer in one hand, tv remote in the other. He’s flipping through channels and then gives up. He struggles to get off couch during the following)

 

How do women do this? It’s amazing, isn’t it? The woman’s body never ceases to amaze me. I mean what guy doesn’t love a woman’s body… but I learned to love them even more when I realized just how amazing they could be. Making babies is fun and all for the guy. In and out, like some military strike. Job done. But a woman… a woman is like God… the creator. Making something from nearly nothing. I don’t mean to belittle God in all this. After all, God came up with the woman… making her from nearly nothing. And God produced an amazing creation machine. The woman’s body knows what to do… some alien encoded process that kicks in. Some strange magical process which will forever be alien to us men.

 

(Finally up and moving around the stage. Touches stomach)

 

Even this isn’t enough to make us understand. This is just for suffering. But what about the wonder of it all? Something about the pregnant woman is irresistible to me. That’s what keeps getting me in trouble.

 

I first knew I had a thing when I went to this movie. It was some popular movie that had been out a long time. So long people had seen it twenty times and I was going to see it for the twenty first time. It was late on a Thursday night. Matinees past, the last showing of the night. Friday, they were getting new batch of movies. Finally, everyone had had enough. And there she was… alone… something about her… her hair I noticed first of all. It shined at me like a beacon in the dim theatre. Such beautiful hair… I wanted to touch it. As I got closer, I noticed that pure glowing skin, like some airbrushed photo, alive in 3D before me. I slowed as I came to her row. She turned and smiled at me, so I went and sat by her. I noticed her stomach then. She noticed me noticing. At first she was embarrassed about it…

 

(Thoughtful)

 

Embarrassed… you know that the Spanish word for pregnant is embarasado? This one guy that I knew was learning Spanish and he was chatting with some Spanish speakers. He was all embarrassed about something and he said, “Yo soy muy embarasado.” I am pregnant, he said. Boy, did that get a laugh from the others.

 

(Remembers story)

 

Where was I? Oh, yes. The movie theatre. Anyway… the movie started and I couldn’t keep my eyes off this lady. I wanted to touch her. And I did. And she let me. Her skin was so soft. Amazingly soft. I’d never felt skin this soft before. And the smell. Something about the way pregnant women smell. Like a fresh spring morning. As we kissed, I knew I was hooked. Now, don’t look at me that way… she was single. I wish I could say that for all the women I had come to know.

 

(Pauses)

 

Something in me went a little weird, because I slowly became obsessed with them… I found myself secreting away pregnancy magazines instead of the usual Victoria and Fredrick’s catalogs.

 

(Sounded obsessed)

 

I had to be near them. So where does one find a pregnant woman? I decided to get a job at that store… Babies R Costing U Plenty. You know that one that’s part of the Toys R Really Expensive chain. Personally I think the backwards R in their logo is a crime to humanity, promoting illiteracy but that’s a monologue for another day.

 

(Shift gears. Gets excited during the following)

 

Anywho… I got my job there and I was in big belly heaven. A smorgasbord of expectant mothers just waiting to be enjoyed for their creative wonders. I was a friend to the single mother… helping her with her constant lifting needs. Even the most liberal woman likes someone around for heavy lifting. At least I know my purpose as a man… lift and rub the back. Back rubbing… the weakness of every pregnant gal…

 

(Rubs own back)

 

And now I see why. This thing is killing me. So I took this class in massage… specializing in how to satisfy the needs of these delicate wonders. Soon I had a reputation and more came to me… even the married ones. And that was when it went too far.

 

(Feels stomach. To someone in the audience)

 

My baby isn’t kicking. You think that’s a bad sign?

 

(Continues)

 

Testosterone… notice women who are expecting boys have those urges… testosterone surging… some husbands turned off by their changes in their wives… I live to serve. But for some reason one guy didn’t like my “helping out.” He found out and gave a choice… jail or death. Fortunately the judge was amused by the whole thing and gave me a punishment more befitting my crime. I have to wear this around the clock. Someone comes and checks on me too. ?can’t get out of this on my own? Little do they know, it helps my cause. Pregnant woman love it.

 

(Dances around)

 

I’m too sexy for my stomach, too sexy for my womb, I’m too sexy, yeah…

 

(Stops and is in pain)

 

Ow, no dancing. That hurt.

 

(Slowly gets back on couch)

 

Oh, great now I’ve gotta pee.

 

(Struggles to get out of couch and lights fade to black)