The Hysterical History of the Trojan War

BY D. M. LARSON PROVIDED BY FREEDRAMA.NET  

ACT I - PARIS AND HELEN RUN TO TROY. 

The Cast of Characters can be found at the end of the play with suggestions for doubling characters if needed. 

The stage has large wall upstage which is the wall of Troy.  It can even be a small wall so the actors' heads can look over it.  The land and shore outside Troy is in the left part of the stage.  The ocean is offstage in the audience.  Before the play, an actor (Poseidon) can warm up the audience by having them pretend to be the ocean and PARIS and HELEN can sail through them.  Poseidon has complete control of the ocean audience.  They could even do battle with some Spartan Greeks before the play as PARIS and HELEN flee.  The audience should be divided into two sides: Spartan and Trojan.  At different times during the play, the Spartan and Trojan sides of the audience will cheer for their people (ATHENA directs the Spartan side.  ATHENA says "This is..." and the audience cheers "Sparta!".  HELEN leads the other side in the cheer.  HELEN says, "Goooo..." and audience yells "Troy!").  You should practice this at the start of the play.  The final Trojan cheer goes to PARIS and HELEN as they successfully make their way to the left side of the stage from the ocean.  PARIS and HELEN act like goofy teenagers.

PARIS

Wow, we like totally ditched those Greeks.  Eat our waves, dudes.

HELEN

You were like, so totally brave.

PARIS

I know.   And you're, like... sooo pretty.

HELEN

I know.   Are you really a prince?

PARIS

Prince of the greatest city ever... Troy!

Music can play as lights come up on the walls of Troy.  The walls appear like they are made of gold (use glitter).

HELEN

It's pretty.

PARIS

Not as pretty as you.

HELEN

I know.  Aren't your walls like totally... tall?

PARIS

The tallest and the strongest.  They say Poseidon himself helped build them.

HELEN

No way...

PARIS

Way!

HELEN

Cool!

PARIS

Want to see inside?

HELEN

Do I ever.

CASSANDRA rushes out and stops them.

CASSAnDra

Beware!

HELEN

Who's that?

PARIS

My sister, Cassandra.  What's wrong now?  Somebody going to kidnap a puppy again?

CASSANDRA

Don't bring Helen inside, Paris.   She will only bring doom on our city.  Dooooom!

PARIS

Oh, come on, Cassandra.  Get out of the way.

CASSANDRA

Doooooooooom!

PARIS pushes CASSANDRA out of the way and they go inside the wall.

HELEN

Freak.

CASSANDRA stomps her foot and gets all pouty.  APOLLO appears down left and watches her.

CASSANDRA

How come nobody ever listens to me?

APOLLO is giggling now.

CASSANDRA (cont.)

Apollo?  Is that you?   Get over here.

CASSANDRA runs up and grabs the giggling APOLLO.   She starts hitting him and he stops laughing.

APOLLo

What's with you?

CASSANDRA

I thought you gave me the power to see the future?

APOLLO

I did.  Didn't you predict where that puppy would be found?

CASSANDRA

But nobody listened to me.

APOLLO giggles again.

CASSANDRA (CONT.)

And now I see the walls of Troy falling down.  And no one will listen to me about that either.

APOLLO

Didn't you read the fine print of your wish?

CASSANDRA

Fine print?  What fine print?

APOLLO pulls a piece of paper from his pocket.  It's notebook paper with doodles.

CASSANDRA (CONT.)

I can't read this.  It's a bunch of drawings.  It's all Greek to me.

APOLLO

Look here.  Underneath the unicorn dancing on the rainbow.  It says that you will be able to see the future, but no one will listen to you.

CASSANDRA

What?   How could you do this to me?

APOLLO

Because it's funny.

CASSANDRA

You gods think you're so smart.  Well, I know what happens to you.

APOLLO

You do?  Oh, you do.   What?

CASSANDRA

I'm not telling.

APOLLO

Oh, come on.

CASSANDRA

No.

APOLLO

Please.

CASSANDRA

See you, never, Apollo.

CASSANDRA goes back inside Troy.  APOLLO mocks her.

APOLLO

"You gods think you're so smart."  I'll show her.  She won't think it's funny when we have a war!











APOLLO pulls out a cell phone.  ZEUS appears in the audience.  He can have a funny ring tone. 

ZEUS

Zeus here.  Talk to me, baby.

APOLLO

So what you doing?

ZEUS

Nothing.  You?

APOLLO

Want to play war?

ZEUS

Sure, why not.  Who you want to play with?

APOLLO

Troy.

ZEUS

Really?  I don't know.  I promised them protection.

APOLLO

Promises?  I thought you were the all powerful one.  You don't have to make promises.  I guess I'm calling the wrong guy.  Maybe I should call Athena instead.  She's a real warrior.

ZEUS

Wait one minute...

Thunder and lightning (lights go up and down).  APOLLO smiles.  ZEUS comes up on stage.   Maybe he can be helped up by slaves or clouds?

APOLLO

Yes?

ZEUS

Well, you know I have a special place in my heart for Troy.  I mean they have my boy on their side.

APOLLO

Your boy?  How many boys do you have?  There's Ajax, Achilles, Hercules...

ZEUS

Not my actual boys... I mean Hector is a true hero. 

APOLLO

I know.  That's why I picked Troy!

ZEUS and APOLLO lead Trojan side of the audience in a cheer:

ZEUS and APOLLO

Gooooo!

AUDIENCE

Troy!

ZEUS

So let's call Athena.  She'll take your challenge.

ZEUS calls on his cell phone.  ATHENA is in the back of the audience picking a fight with an usher. 

ATHENA

I don't need a ticket you jerk.  I'm in the play!

ATHENA's phone rings.  Her ring tone is something like "The Warrior" by Scandal or the Rocky theme.  Stage lights dim a bit and a spotlight shows on ATHENA if possible.

ATHENA (CONT.)

What?!

ZEUS

Hello Athena... how are you today?

ATHENA

Horrible.  Not one fight or battle and it's almost dinner!

ZEUS

I've got good news.  Apollo wants to play war.

ATHENA

Sign me up! 

ATHENA walks up to the stage and hops up.

ATHENA (CONT.)

Which side did you pick Apollo?

Dramatic music.  Lights come up on Troy.

APOLLO

Troy!

ZEUS gets audience to cheer.

ZEUS

Goooo!

AUDIENCE

Troy!

ATHENA

Fine. We'll play war.  But I get to pick anyone I want, right?

APOLLO

Sure.

ATHENA

Then I pick Sparta!

ATHENA gets Spartan side of audience to cheer.

ATHENA

This is...

AUDIENCE

Sparta!

APOLLO

I thought you might.

ATHENA

What's that supposed to mean?

APOLLO

She has a thing for Ajax.

ATHENA

I do not!

APOLLO

Hector's gonna clean the floor with him.

ATHENA

In your dreams.

APOLLO

Too bad about Achilles though.

ATHENA

What about Achilles?

APOLLO

His mommy won't let him come out and play.

ATHENA

What?!

ZEUS

He's always been such a momma's boy.

APOLLO

She did do him a great favor by dipping him in the river Styx and making him nearly immortal.

ZEUS

They should call it the river Stinks... is it really worth being immortal to smell like that?

ATHENA

He's one of those guys you admire from a distance.

APOLLO

So you ready for battle?

ATHENA

Wait.  You have Zeus.  I want some backup.

APOLLO

Fine... but what god is willing to stand up against Zeus?

ZEUS

I'm the king of the gods, baby!

ATHENA

Let me think... who isn't afraid of the king of the gods?  Maybe... his wife!

ZEUS

You wouldn't?

ATHENA

Hera Rodham Clinton!

HERA storms onto stage looking and sounding a bit like Xena the Warrior Princess. 

ATHENA (CONT.)

This is...

AUDIENCE

Sparta!

ZEUS

Uh... I gotta go.

APOLLO

Zeus.

ZEUS

Uh... just got a text message.  Really urgent.  Somebody needs a thunder storm.  Bye.

ZEUS exits.  HERA and ATHENA do a warrior bear hug and secret hand shake.

ATHENA

How are you, Hera?

HERA

Where'd my good for nothing husband run off to?

ATHENA

Off to release more thunder.

HERA

He really needs to cut back on the beans.

They laugh.  POSEIDON emerges from the audience.

POSEIDON

Wait a minute.  Wait a minute.

APOLLO

All hail the King of the Sea... Poseidon.  Come to join my side, oh builder of the walls of Troy.

POSEIDON

Hardly.

APOLLO

Why not?

POSEIDON

I never got paid for building those walls.

ATHENA

Of course not.  You know what he wanted? 

POSEIDON

I only wanted all the first born children of Troy cast into the ocean every New Year's Day.   Is that too much to ask?

HERA

Let me think... uh... yes.

POSEIDON

So until I get paid, I'm not fighting for Troy.

ATHENA

So what are you even doing here?  Just here to be a wet blanket?

HERA

Oh, that's funny.  Ocean god... wet blanket.  Cute.

APOLLO

Please don't explain the jokes.  It really makes them less funny that way.

POSEIDON

I'm here because I'm worried the audience, my ocean here, is a little confused.   We've introduced a lot of characters here and are about to have a war but before we begin I thought it might be nice to have a little back story.  Let's bring out Homer and the Homerettes to tell us the story of Paris and Helen.

HOMER and the HOMERETTES are a Greek chorus of sorts.  They sing this song to the tune of the Brady Bunch theme or just chant it.  Hear the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXmi2r8k_0U

HOMER and HOMERETTES

Here's the story of three lovely ladies.    Who thought they were the most beautiful of all.  They were Hera, Athena and Aphrodite.  And Paris was asked to judge.   Here's the story of gal named Helen.  Who was a prize if Paris judged right.  Aphrodite promised him this girl forever.  If he'd just picked her.  So Paris picked Aphrodite.  And he knew that it was much more than a hunch.  Because he got himself a real beauty.  That's why we started the Trojan War.  The Trojan War.  The Trojan War.  That's why we started the Trojan War.

APOLLO

That didn't make any sense at all.  I'm more confused then I was before the song. 

POSEIDON

Let's go Homer.  We'll work on it some more.  I know you'll get it.

HOMER

It's tough being a blind songwriter.

POSEIDON

I see potential in you, boy.  You'll get it.

POSEIDON exits with HOMER and HOMERETTES.   ATHENA and HERA look embarrassed and try to sneak out too.  APOLLO stops their exit.

APOLLO

Wait a minute.  So this whole problem with Helen and Paris started over a beauty contest?

ATHENA

Well...

HERA

Not really.

ATHENA

Sort of.

HERA

I guess it did.

APOLLO

And you two lost.

APOLLO starts to giggle.

ATHENA

It's not funny.

HERA

Aphrodite only won because she cheated. 

ATHENA

I can't believe Paris took her bribe.

APOLLO

So Aphrodite bribed Paris with a pretty girl.  What did you two offer him?

ATHENA

Mine was way better...

HERA

Shhh!  Uh, nothing.

APOLLO

Never mind.  Can we get on with this war or what?

ATHENA

Hera.  You go talk to Achille's mommy and I'll get the rest of the Spartans.  

HERA

Done.

HERA and ATHENA exit.  APOLLO looks and sees CASSANDRA spying on him.

APOLLO

You can come out now, Cassandra.

CASSANDRA

I knew there was going to be a war.

APOLLO

Who said that?

CASSANDRA

Stop that.

APOLLO

Could you do me a favor and tell your brother Hector about the upcoming battle?  I want to give him plenty of warning.

CASSANDRA

Yes, of course.  Thank you.

APOLLO giggles and leaves.

CASSANDRA (CONT.)

Wait a minute.  He won't listen to me.  Nobody does.  Oh, dooooom.

HECTOR strides out of Troy and up to CASSANDRA who is crying. 

HECTOR

Dear, sister.  What troubles you?

CASSANDRA

You wouldn't believe me if I told you?

HECTOR

Try me.

CASSANDRA rattles off the following in a blubbering panic.

CASSANDRA

ParistookHelenfromtheSpartansand nowApollowantstostartawarand AthenawenttogettheSpartansand we're doomed!

HECTOR

Sister, are you speaking Greek?  Do slow down.

CASSANDRA

See... nobody can understand me.

HECTOR

Let me see if I understood you.  You mentioned Paris and Helen... the wife of the King of Sparta?

CASSANDRA

Yes!

HECTOR

And a war!

CASSANDRA

Yes!

HECTOR

Paris wants to fight a war to win Helen?

CASSANDRA

No... well, sort of.

HECTOR

Paris!

PARIS peaks out from behind the wall of Troy.  HELEN does too but PARIS pushes her down.

PARIS

Yes?

HECTOR

Come here, brother.

PARIS comes out and motions HELEN to stay inside.

PARIS

What is it?

HECTOR

Our sister was telling me about you and Helen, wife of the Spartan king Menelaus.

PARIS

Helen... Helen... that name sounds familiar.

CASSANDRA

It should.

PARIS sticks his tongue out at CASSANDRA

HECTOR

Have you been seeing Helen?

CASSANDRA

Oh, yeah.

CASSANDRA goes into Troy.

PARIS

I've been seeing "a" Helen.  I'm not sure if she's a Spartan.

HECTOR

Is she here?

PARIS

Right here.  No.

HECTOR

I mean is she in Troy?

PARIS

Well...

CASSANDRA

She's right here.

HECTOR

Helen!

PARIS

Helen?

CASSANDRA

Helen.

HELEN

That's my name.  Don't wear it out.

HECTOR

That's Helen of Sparta.  Wife of their King!

PARIS

It is?  Helen, why didn't you tell me?

HELEN

What?  You totally knew.

PARIS

I did not.  I just thought you were some visitor to Sparta just like me.  I thought you were Helen of... Troy!  Yes, a fellow Trojan.

PARIS winks at HELEN who gets it now.

HELEN

Oh, yes.  I'm Helen of Troy.  Not Sparta.  I was touring Sparta just like Paris here and we met and totally hit it off.  I'm like totally Trojan.  Goooo... Troy!

She tries to get Trojan part of audience to cheer.

HECTOR

I can't believe you'd do this, Paris.

CASSANDRA

I can't believe Hector listened to me.

HELEN

I can't believe how embarrassing this is.

PARIS

Please, Hector.  Don't send her back.  Menelaus was horrible to Helen. 

HELEN

He was.

HECTOR

What did he do?

PARIS looks around nervously and then whispers in HECTOR'S ear. 

HECTOR (ConT.)

He didn't!

HELEN

That's not all.

HELEN whispers in his ear next.

HECTOR (CONT.)

The monster!

PARIS and HELEN both whisper in his ears now.

HECTOR (CONT.)

By the gods!

PARIS

See!  I had to do something.

HECTOR

You did.  Helen, you were greatly wronged and now we will make this right by offering you protection.

CASSANDRA

No!  You must not.

HECTOR

No woman should be treated as you were treated.  As an honorable man, I will defend you to my death.

CASSANDRA

Nooooo!

HECTOR ignores CASSANDRA and leads PARIS and HELEN into TROY.

HECTOR

Come, brother.  We must prepare for battle.  We'll show those Spartans what we're made of.

HELEN

Goooooo....

AUDIENCE

Troy!

CASSANDRA

Why won't anyone listen to me?  We're dooooooomed!

LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.   END OF ACT I.

ACT II - SPARTANS COME CALLING

Spartans lead by AJAX and ODYSSEUS arrive at the Wall of Troy.  Trojan GUARD pokes his head up over the wall.

GUARD

Who is it?

AJAX

This is...

AUDIENCE and SPARTANS

Sparta!

GUARD

Who?

AJAX

Sparta.

GUARD

Never heard of it.

AJAX

You have so.

GUARD

Have not.

AJAX

So.

GUARD

Not, not, not.

AJAX

So, so, so.

ODYSSEUS steps forward.

ODYSSEUS

We're Sparta of Greece.

GUARD

Oh, Greece.  Why didn't you say so?

AJAX

Because we're Spartan!

GUARD

You're all Greek to me.

AJAX looks ready to attack.  ODYSSEUS stops him.

ODYSSEUS

Steady, Ajax. 

GUARD

Ajax?  Is that Ajax?

AJAX suddenly looks proud.  Other Trojans look out over wall.

AJAX

You've heard of me, eh?

GUARD

Yes, we call you Ajax the Clean.

AJAX

Why's that?

GUARD

Because last time you fought Hector, he cleaned the floor with you.

Trojans all laugh.

AJAX

That's not true.

GUARD

Our battlefield has been getting a bit dirty.  Is it time to clean it with Ajax again?

AJAX

How dare you?  I'm stronger than 100 Trojans!

GUARD

That's right.  I hear you're stronger than dirt too!

Trojans laugh.  AJAX looks confused.

ODYSSEUS

Everyone, please.

AJAX

Stronger than dirt?  I don't get it.

ODYSSEUS

Let it go, Ajax.

AJAX

I'll crush you like dirt!

ODYSSEUS

Ajax, please.  Here's your squeezy.  Go over there and do your squeezes until I'm done talking to the Trojans.

ODYSSEUS gives AJAX a ball to squeeze and AJAX wanders to the back of the Spartans.

ODYSSEUS

May I speak to Hector?

GUARD

Say please.

ODYSSEUS

Please.

GUARD

No, say it all together.

ODYSSEUS

What?

Trojans are snickering.

GUARD

May I please speak to Hector?

ODYSSEUS

May I please speak to Hector?

GUARD

Say pretty please.

ODYSSEUS

Oh, come on.

GUARD

They're right.  You Spartans are so uncivilized.

ODYSSEUS

Fine.  Pretty please.

GUARD

Say it all.

ODYSSEUS

Pretty please, may I speak to Hector?

GUARD

Nope.

ODYSSEUS

Why not?!

GUARD

Just kidding.  I wanted to see how you'd react if I said no.

AJAX rushes up to ODYSSEUS.

AJAX

Can I kill them now?

ODYSSEUS

Our orders are to wait.

GUARD

Hector will be right out.

Gate of Troy opens and Hector comes out.

AJAX

You dare come out alone, in front of the entire Spartan army?

ODYSSEUS

He is a brave and honorable man.

AJAX

And stupid.

AJAX pulls out his sword.  All Trojan appear at the wall with bows and arrows.  AJAX backs off.

HECTOR

You wish to speak with me, Odysseus?

ODYSSEUS

I have been sent by King Menelaus and Lord Agamemnon to give the Trojans a chance to surrender.

GUARD

Surrender?

Trojans laugh.  AJAX and other Spartans draw their swords.  ODYSSEUS waves them back.

HECTOR

We will not surrender, Odysseus.  You know that.

ODYSSEUS

At least return Helen to us and let this whole horrible business be done.

AGAMEMNON

Odysseus!

Spartans all scramble and salute.  Darth Vader type music plays as LORD AGAMEMNON enters in a black uniform. GUARD holds up a "BOOO!" sign and HELEN gets Trojan side of audience to say, "BOOO!" AGAMEMNON goes up to ODYSSEUS.

SPARTANS

All hail Lord Agamemnon!

AGAMEMNON

I told you to give them a chance to surrender, not to negotiate.

ODYSSEUS

Lord Agamemnon, please.  If they simply return Helen, then we don't have to fight.

AGAMEMNON

We don't negotiate with terrorists.

ODYSSEUS

Prince Hector is an honorable man.  He can be reasoned with.

AGAMEMNON

I find your lack of faith in my plan... disturbing.

AGAMEMNON starts choking ODYSSEUS.  HECTOR steps forward.

HECTOR

It doesn't matter.  We won't give Helen back. 

AGAMEMNON

You fool.

HECTOR

Trojans believe in honor...

GUARD and TROJANS

Yeah!

HECTOR

Justice.

GUARD AND TROJANS

Yeah!

HECTOR

...and equality.

GUARD

You said it, Hector.

HECTOR

Helen has asked to be free of her slavery in Sparta and we grant her that freedom.

AGAMEMNON

Then you will die!

AJAX draws his sword and rushes HECTOR as AGAMEMNON drags off ODYSSEUS.  HECTOR defend himself as Trojans pretend to shoot arrows at the rest of the Spartans who raise their shields.  AJAX manages to knock HECTOR's sword away.  HECTOR pulls off AJAX's belt and his pants fall down revealing silly underwear.  Trojans laugh and HECTOR runs back inside Gate of Troy.  AJAX growls and leads Spartans off stage.  HELEN leads the cheer.

HELEN

Goooo!

AUDIENCE

Troy!

HOMER AND THE HOMERETTES return to the stage.  They get audience to stomp, stomp, clap (two feet stomps and then a clap).  NOTE: the wording may need some adjusting to fit Queen's "We will rock you."  Feel free to adjust it.  Hear it at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5pzerjiutM

HOMER AND THE HOMERETTES

Hector you're a man make good prince leading in the war gonna be a king some day... You got war in your place... It's a disgrace You'll kick their can all over this space... (Yelling:) we are... we are... Trojans! (stomp, stomp, clap... stomp, stomp, clap) We are... we are... Trojans!    Hector you're a great man tough man fighting in for land gonna fight the Greeks today... You got blood on this place, In your face, Fightin those Spartans until they're disgraced.   We are... we are... Trojans! (stomp, stomp, clap... stomp, stomp, clap) We are... we are... Trojans! (stomp, stomp, clap... stomp, stomp, clap)

CASSANDRA 

(mood shifts to sadness)

Won't be an old man, weak man, begging for your land,  Gonna fight til your all done... Can you win, this war anymore, Must save face, no disgrace,

HOMERS

(mood shifts to anger)

Spartans better get out of this place! We are... we are... Trojans! We are we are Trojans!  (stomp, stomp, clap... stomp, stomp, clap)

During HOMER's upcoming speech, the Spartans run up to the wall of Troy, jump up and down and yell and then run away when the Trojans shoot arrows (either get soft, foam or cardboard arrows or have Trojans make arrow sounds and pretend they are shooting them).

HOMER

The war had begun... the Spartans made little progress at first.  The walls of Troy held strong. But then mighty Achilles arrived and that changed everything.

ACHILLES enters with his cousin PATROCLUS who is dressed just like him.  He's a major Achilles groupie and copies all ACHILLES' stances, motions and actions.

ACHILLES

Need some help, Ajax?

AJAX

No, I'm fine.  I've got them on the run.

ACHILLES

How long you been fighting?

AJAX

Not long.

AGAMEMNON

Almost ten years now.  We need you to end this Achilles.

ACHILLES

And what if I don't want to?

ODYSSEUS

Can't you two just get along?

AGAMEMNON puts Odysseus in a choke hold again.

AGAMEMNON

Join me, Achilles and we will rule the galaxy!  I mean... the world.

ACHILLES

I will never join you.

AGAMEMNON

But Achilles... I am your father's, nephew's Greek godfather three times removed.

ACHILLES

What does that make us?

AGAMEMNON

Absolutely nothing.  So if you won't do it for me, do it for...

SPARTANS

Sparta!

ODYSSEUS

Uh, sir.

AGAMEMNON lets go of his neck.

AGAMEMNON

What?

ODYSSEUS

I don't think the audience had fair warning on that cheer.

AGAMEMNON

Fine.  Do it again.

ODYSSEUS

This is...

AUDIENCE

Sparta!

ODYSSEUS

Much better.

AGAMEMNON returns to choking ODYSSEUS. 

ACHILLES

There is nothing that will convince me to join you. 

An arrow comes flying from Troy and hits Achilles cousin, Patroclus, who falls.

PATROCLUS

Message for you, sir.

ACHILLES drops to his knees and holds PATROCLUS's hand as he does his final death throws.   ACHILLES takes note off arrow.

ACHILLES

They have killed my cousin and friend!   I never should have loaned you my armor.  They mistook him for me!  Who did this foul deed?

(reads note)

"Dear Achilles.  You stink.  Sincerely, Hector."

GUARD and other Trojans laugh.

ACHILLES

Hector!  You will die!

AGAMEMNON

So you will join me?

ACHILLES

To the death.

MENALAUS enters.  He wears a crown.

ODYSSEUS

All hail King Menelaus.

MENELAUS

I demand a fight with Paris.

ACHILLES

And I with Hector!

AGAMEMNON

Trojans!  Will your Princes face our champions?

HECTOR

We will!

PARIS

We will?

HECTOR

We will.

HECTOR comes out with PARIS who doesn't want to come out.

HELEN

Be careful.

MENELAUS

You took my wife.  Now I take your life.

PARIS

Hey, that rhymed.  You're like a poet.

MENELAUS

Die fly!

MENELAUS charges at PARIS who runs away.  MENELAUS runs after him and eventually gets tired. 

MENELAUS (CONT.)

Hold still.

PARIS

Run, run as fast as you can.  You can't catch me, I'm...

ACHILLES grabs PARIS.

PARIS (CONT.)

Ooops.

HECTOR

Unhand my brother.

ACHILLES

Make me.

HECTOR faces off with ACHILLES.  They do some fighting and then ACHILLES kills HECTOR.  Trojans gasp and cry.  HECTOR does an over-dramatic death.

HECTOR

It is a far, far better place I go to.  Good-bye cruel world.  Farewell...

ACHILLES

Die already.

ACHILLES stabs him a few more times.  APOLLO comes out and is upset.  

APOLLO

This is terrible.  Do something Paris!

PARIS gets a bow and arrow, closes his eyes and shoots but if falls at his feet.  APOLLO gets the arrow and guides it so it hits ACHILLES in the heel.

ACHILLES

Ow!  I've been hit.

ACHILLES dies quickly.

APOLLO

Finally, a quick death.

ODYSSEUS

Mighty Achilles has fallen.  Run away!

SPARTANS all yell, "run away!" and exit.  HELEN runs out and hugs PARIS. 

HELEN

Gooo!

AUDIENCE

Troy!

HELEN

You did it, Paris.

PARIS

I did?

APOLLO

You can open your eyes now.

PARIS

Where'd they go?

HELEN

You killed Achilles and they ran away.

PARIS

Really?

CASSANDRA

But our brother, Hector, is dead.

HECTOR does a few more death throws.

HECTOR

Rosebud!

HECTOR is dead.

PARIS

Bummer.

HELEN

But we won!  This is great.

CASSANDRA

No, it's horrible.  We're doooomed!

PARIS

Oh, stop it.  Let's have a party... well, a funeral party.  Hector would want a party.  Party!

GUARD

Party!

They carry off HECTOR and party sounds come from inside Troy.  CASSANDRA punches APOLLO.

APOLLO

What was that for?

CASSANDRA

We're still going to lose but no one will listen to me.

APOLLO

Lose?  No way.   Not with my help.

ATHENA appears.

ATHENA

Apollo!

APOLLO

Ooops.

ATHENA

You cheated!

APOLLO

Don't be a sore loser.

POSEIDON enters.

POSEIDON

It's not over yet.

APOLLO

What do you mean?

POSEIDON

I have a little surprise for the Trojans.

APOLLO

You stay out of this.  This is between me and Athena. 

ATHENA

That was until you cheated and helped Paris kill Achilles.  Poseidon is here to even the score and get his revenge for non-payment.

APOLLO

This is so unfair.

ATHENA

Don't be a sore loser.

APOLLO leaves. CASSANDRA watches POSEIDON and ATHENA get in a huddle with ODYSSEUS who nods and smiles.  They exit.

CASSANDRA

I must try to warn everyone.

CASSANDRA starts to go and then hears something coming.  ODYSSEUS pushes in something that looks like a wooden horse and all the Spartans are hiding behind it. (NOTE: The horse doesn't have to be big which makes it funnier)

CASSANDRA (CONT.)

What's that?

ODYSSEUS

It's a present for Troy.

PARIS comes rushing out with HELEN.

PARIS

A present?  I love presents.

HELEN

I love horsies.  I wish it were a unicorn.

Spartans look at each other.  One sticks his sword out the head.

HELEN (CONT.)

It is a unicorn!  Can we keep it, Paris?  Please.

PARIS

Of course.

HELEN

Oh, goodie.  Let's bring it inside.

ODYSSEUS sneaks behind horse with others.

CASSANDRA

No!  Don't do it.  It's a trick!

PARIS

Stop it, Cassandra.

HELEN

Cassandra wants to take away my unicorn!

PARIS

Now you've upset Helen.

CASSANDRA

Beware the gift of the Greeks!  Greek toys are bad news.  They use lead paint!

HELEN

I want my unicorn.

CASSANDRA

Doom on you.  Doom on you.  Doom on you!

CASSANDRA leaves.

HELEN

Your sister is like totally creepy.

PARIS

Hey, everyone.  The Spartans left us a present.  Let's bring it inside!

Trojans come out and bring horse inside Troy.  Homer and Homerettes sing to the tune of "The Song that Never Ends."  Hear it at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo2FZ8KY6n4

HOMER and HOMERETTES

This is the war that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started fighting it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue fighting it forever just because... This is the war that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started fighting it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue fighting it forever just because...


ATHENA

But it did end... the Trojan horse trick worked.

APOLLO

Looks like you won.

ATHENA

Who's the god of war now?

APOLLO

(mumbles)

You are.

ATHENA

What's that?

APOLLO

You are.

ATHENA

Noogie!

ATHENA puts APOLLO in a headlock and rubs his head with her knuckles.

ATHENA (CONT.)

Wet willy!

She licks her finger and tries to stick it in his ear.  He gets free and runs away.  She chases him off stage.

HOMER

Those wacky gods.  They were so immature.  Well, I hope you all enjoyed my story.   Nobody lived happily ever after but what a war! You can read the entire  tale in my book called The Iliad.   I'll be doing a book signing after the show. 

END OF PLAY



CAST OF CHARACTERS

(13-18+ speaking roles, unlimited number of extras as soldiers for Troy and Sparta, suggestions for doubling below)

CASSANDRA - She can see the future, but no one will listen to her.  Sister of Paris and Hector.

HELEN - Goofy teen-like girl who runs away with Paris and starts a war.

PARIS - Goofy teen-like boy who takes Helen to Troy.

APOLLO - War god.  He can double as Trojan soldier.

ODYSSEUS - Greek warrior on Spartan side. 

ACHILLES - Greek warrior on Spartan side. 

ATHENA - War goddess.  She can double as Spartan warrior.

HECTOR - Prince of Troy and brother of Paris and Cassandra.   He can double as ZEUS.

ZEUS - Leader of the gods.  He can double as Trojan soldier, GUARD or HECTOR.

GUARD - Trojan wall guard.  He makes fun of everyone.  He can double as ZEUS.

HERA - Wife of Zeus.  She can double as Spartan warrior or PATROCLUS.

PATROCLUS - Cousin of Achilles.  He can double as HERA or POSEIDON and/or Trojan soldier.

AJAX - Spartan warrior who uses muscles rather than brains.  He can double as POSEIDON.

AGAMEMNON - Lord of the Greeks.  Appears a bit like Darth Vader from Star Wars but Spartan style.  He can double as POSEIDON.

MENELAUS - Spartan King and husband of Helen.  He can double as POSEIDON and/or Spartan soldier.

POSEIDON - Ocean god. He can double as AJAX, AGAMEMNON or Spartan or Trojan soldier.

HOMER and the HOMERETTES - If it's all men, it can be HOMER and the HOMMIES or if it be HOMER solo.  Or the HOMERETTES can be played by soliders or the women in the cast.  HOMER can have dark shades like Stevie Wonder since he's blind.


*Remember: the Greeks had men play women parts and in our modern times, women can play men so be flexible with the casting.


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