WAITING ON TRAINS by D. M. Larson

(Lights come up on the waiting room of a train station. A woman, VERNA, sits at a ticket window R, filing her nails and chewing gum to the beat of a song on the radio. A businessman, KIRK, works at his laptop computer. He sits at the R end of long row of uncomfortable chairs that are linked closely together.  There is an entrance L, a doorway UL, and an exit to the trains DR. The voice of a radio announcer comes over VERNA's radio)

RADIO ANNOUNCER

And here's another hit that rocked the '90's as we continue our New Year's countdown.

Song begins to play

VERNA

(Excited) Oh, I just love this song. (Sings along with the song, badly)

KIRK

(While she is singing) Uh, excuse me. (She ignores him and continues singing) Excuse me...could you turn that down please... (VERNA still sings) Excuse me, miss!

VERNA

Yeah?

KIRK

Could you turn down the radio.

VERNA

Sure. (Turns it down) Sorry, mister.

KIRK

That's quite all right.

He begins typing again.

She now begins singing again just as loud as ever even though the radio has been turned down. KIRK is about ready to skip the train and find a bus. Sue enters immediately after VERNA begins singing again. SUE rushes up to VERNA who stops singing.SUE is out of breath.

SUE

My train. To Seattle. Did I miss it?

VERNA

Not that I know of.

SUE

(Annoyed)

Would you check for me please?

VERNA quickly lifts cover of a note pad and then drops it again. Returns to doing her nails.

VERNA

It might be late.

SUE

Are you sure?

VERNA

Pretty sure.

SUE

Could you be a little more certain?

VERNA

About what? The train. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it'll be a train.

(VERNA smiles at her joke)

SUE

(Not enjoying the joke) I mean about the time!

VERNA

Don't get testy, honey.

VERNA stops her nail job and looks at SUE. Blows and pops a bubble at SUE. Glances at pad again.

VERNA

They called in and said they'd be in at midnight. (Closes pad) Or it could come at 12:01. It's hard to be "specific" about these things.

SUE

But that's 30 minutes from now!

VERNA

Look. Do you want the train early or do you want it late?

SUE

I want it on time.

VERNA

You weren't on time. Why should you expect the train to be?

SUE

Forget it! Just forget we had this whole conversation!

(Walks away)

VERNA

Sounds good to me.

SUE glares at VERNA who has returned to her nails. SUE turns to sit. Sees KIRK who is busily typing at his computer. She goes, still in a huff, to the very opposite end of the row of chairs.

 A phone rings in SUE's bag. A poorly dressed gentleman, some might a bum, named RUT pops up from where he has been sleeping on the upstage end of the row of chairs.

RUT

(Cries to sky)

Hello!

SUE

(Jumps up when she sees RUT)

What in heaven's name?!

RUT

(Ring)

Hello?!

SUE

(To VERNA)

What's this bum doing in here?!

VERNA

Sleepin'

RUT

(Ring)

Hello?!

SUE

Shouldn't he be removed?

VERNA

What for? He ain't causin' no harm.

RUT

(Ring. Stands on chair, arms to sky)

Hello, God? Is that you?

SUE

Look at him. He's drunk.

VERNA

Maybe we're the ones who's drunk and he's the only one who's sober.

SUE

(Gets phone)

Oh, you're just a regular philosopher. (To phone) Hello.

RUT

(Very intensely)

Hello, God.

SUE

(This and RUT's next dialog over lap)

Yes, yes. I'm sorry there's a lot of noise here.

RUT

(Overlapping)

Yes, what? What do you want me to do God?

SUE

(Hand over phone)

Will someone shut him up!

RUT

(Shocked)

Oh, please God. Please don't be angry with me. Please be easy on poor little Rut.

KIRK

He thinks you're God.

VERNA

`Bout time God had a little competition.

SUE

It's not funny.

RUT

I never said it was funny God.

SUE

(To RUT)

Look here you.

RUT

(Innocent, saintly pose to sky)

Yes, God.

SUE

Quit calling me God. And...will you look at me.

RUT

I am looking God.

SUE

No, not up there; down here.

RUT

(Gets down)

Where?

SUE

(Trying to get in front of him)

Over here.

RUT

(Under chairs)

Where are you God?

SUE

My name's Sue, not God.

RUT

(Shocked)

God's real name is Sue?

SUE

Will someone do something with him? I have an important call here.

RUT

(Stands on chair, to sky)

Please, don't be angry with me God...I mean, oh great Sue. Please don't cut me off.

SUE

(To VERNA)

Do something with him or I'll complain to your boss.

VERNA

Yes, ma'am.

(Goes to RUT)

Okay, Rut. That's enough for now. Let's go.

RUT

(As he steps down with Verna's help)

I think I lost my connection.

VERNA

We know, Rut.  You lost it long before this though. Come on. Let's get you some coffee.

RUT

(As they go into Verna's area)

Funny. I always imagined that God's voice was a little more manly.

SUE

Thank God!

(Answers phone)

Hello, hello...He hung up.

VERNA

Who's that? You're hubby.

SUE

(Mocking)

No, it's not my hubby. It was a very important client who I may have just lost because of that "thing" over there.

VERNA

Chill out, honey. It's the holidays. Give it a rest.

SUE

I never rest. That's how I got where I am. Any and every minute of the day is open game and I take advantage of it.

(Pause)

Why did I ever come to this little hick town? It's been more trouble than it was worth.

VERNA

Hick town? It has at least a quarter million people.

SUE

Like I said, "hick town." Besides I thought we weren't talking anymore.

VERNA

Honey. Someone didn't spank you enough as a child.

SUE

I'll be glad when I'm done with this place.

KIRK

(He saves his computer file)

Agreed.

SUE

What's that?

KIRK

I would agree that this trip has been a rather futile one.

SUE

You were at the meeting weren't you?

KIRK

That's right. Kirk King.

SUE

Yes, I remember now.

KIRK

And you're Sue.

SUE

Or God, depending who you're talking to.

KIRK

Huh? Oh, yes, the vagabond. Darn shame all that human potential going to waste. If he'd merely apply himself...

VERNA

Then he'd be like you and he'd be worse off than he is now.

KIRK

Look here Miss...

VERNA

Name's Verna, honey.

KIRK

Look here Miss Verna...we pay you good money to work here...

VERNA

The railroad pays me. Not you.

KIRK

Yes, but they get the money from me.

VERNA

Not all of it.

KIRK

That's not the point.

VERNA

Then what is the point, honey?

(KIRK is flustered and confused)

SUE

If you valued your job, you would show us a little more respect.

VERNA

Hey, babe, they can't get no one else to do this shift. They ain't gonna drop me no time soon.

SUE

(Turns away)

This backward little town. I'm recommending we don't invest here.

VERNA

Good, 'cause we don't want ya'.

SUE

I wasn't talking to you.

KIRK

They say this will be the hottest market next year.

SUE

I doubt it. Who'd want to base themselves here? Between Miss Verna and the cows rollin' in all the time, who'd have any time to do business?

KIRK

(Becoming cold)

I don't believe our employers would appreciate our conversation.

Kirk returns to computer work

SUE

(Glares at him)

Businessman to the end. (Phone rings) I hope that's Charles again.

VERNA

(Suggestive tone of voice)

Who's Charles?

SUE

(Picks up phone. To VERNA)

Shut up. (Answers, pausing appropriately) Hello? Hello, Charles. Sorry about the hold earlier. Train stations are the magnets of the lowest life forms. (Looks at VERNA) How's your party? Yes, sorry I wasn't able to make it. I'd like to make up for it though. Dinner Thursday night. My house. Yes, of course...yes, I'm in mixed company also. (Whispers into phone) Me too... I'll see you later. (Hangs up)

VERNA

I thought that was a business call.

SUE

(Feeling boastful)

It was.

VERNA

What kind of business you running?

SUE

(Goes up to VERNA's window)

Let me give you a little tip on being a woman in the business world. When it comes to cutting deals, we have a little more negotiating power.

VERNA

Well, well. 

SUE wonders why she is even talking to VERNA and changes the subject.

SUE

Any new info on the train?

VERNA

Nope.

SUE

Have you checked?

VERNA

Nope.

SUE

Well, are you going to?

VERNA

Nope.

SUE

(Returns to chair)

Then there's no use asking.

VERNA

Nope.

SUE glares at her, then sits. SUE puts on a headset and begins meditating

KIRK

(Computer's power is low)

Come on. (Hits it) My power's low! (To VERNA) Do you have an outlet I could use?

VERNA

Nope.

(To VERNA)

Please. I need a charge!

RUT

(Pops up. Holds up a bottle)

Here. This'll charge ya' right up!

KIRK

(To VERNA)

Hurry!

VERNA

Oh fine.  Bring it back here.

VERNA points him to door to her area.

RUT

Suit yourself.

(Drinks. To SUE)

What some, lady?

SUE

What's he doing back in here?

VERNA

He appears to be offering you a drink.

SUE

I thought you threw him out.

VERNA

Life's tough, isn't it?

RUT

Hey, good lookin'. Wanna share a little New Year's cheer? I got a lot right here.

SUE

Get away from me you disgusting brute.

RUT

(Begins to think, which is no small matter)

Ya' know. You sound kinda familiar.

SUE

(Stands. Crosses to VERNA)

Will you shut him up?

RUT

(Profound realization)

You sound like God!

SUE

Heaven help us.

RUT

Wow. Imagine that.

SUE

I thought you had him removed.

VERNA

(To RUT)

You said you'd go out in the hall.

RUT

It's so lonely out there.

VERNA

(Points to off stage)

Go.

RUT goes off like a whipped puppy trying to look as pathetic as possible (maybe limp and shivering from the cold as well as dramatic looks back at them for help which are ignored)

SUE

Thank you.

VERNA

When God talks, people listen.

(KIRK reenters)

SUE

How's the computer?

KIRK

Fine. I think my file got saved.

SUE

Careful. You're talking to the enemy.

KIRK

Sorry about that. I'm a little on edge because of the train.

SUE

Are you anxious to get back to your family?

KIRK

Hardly.

SUE

Oh? Trouble on the home front?

KIRK

No, just divorced.

SUE

So why the rush?

KIRK

I'm playing golf with my boss and some clients tomorrow. I'd like to get a little rest before then.

SUE

Always business, never pleasure.

KIRK

What about you and your phone calls?

SUE

That's business and pleasure.

KIRK

I wouldn't know the difference.

They both become lost in thought a moment. KIRK changes the subject.

KIRK (CONT.)

I wonder how the train's doing?

SUE

I wouldn't know.

Sue returns to seat. Listens to headset.

KIRK

(Goes to VERNA)

Excuse me, miss.

VERNA

(Looks KIRK over, likes what she sees)

Hi, there.

KIRK

(Nervous under her stare)

Could you tell me when the Seattle train is expected in?

VERNA

(Still eyeing him)

Maybe.

KIRK

Maybe?

VERNA

What's it worth to ya'?

KIRK

Are you asking for a bribe?  Is there a comment card... I don't appreciate your attitude.

VERNA

Oh, don't get your panties in the bunch.

(Annoyed, looks at pad)

It's be here in a half hour.

KIRK

But that's what you said before.

VERNA

Haven't heard differently.

KIRK

Are they stuck somewhere?

VERNA

Maybe.

KIRK

Don't you know?

VERNA

Nope.

KIRK

Well, thank you anyway.

VERNA

Sure thing, honey. Just let me know if I can do anything else for you.

KIRK returns to his seat. VERNA watches his departure with approval.  She goes out to SUE.

VERNA

Boy, would I sure like to do a business deal with him.

SUE tries to ignore VERNA. KIRK begins reading a magazine.  SUE is listening to her music and meditating. VERNA listens to SUE's headset.

SUE

(Noticing VERNA)

What do you want?

VERNA

Just wonderin' what you're listenin' to.

SUE hands VERNA the tape cover and goes back to meditating.

VERNA (CONT.)

"Ocean Waves." Is that some new punk rock group?

SUE

(Snatches back cover)

It's not a group at all. It's simply sounds of the ocean recorded on this tape.

VERNA

Why would you want to listen to that?

SUE

(Angry, yells)

Because it helps me relax! Is that all right with you?!

VERNA

Sure, sure. Sorry.  Keep it up.  It's working for you.

VERNA goes back to her area.

SUE

(Puts away headset. To KIRK)

When did she say the train was coming?

KIRK

In half an hour.

SUE

(Angry)

That's what she said last time.

KIRK

And that's what she said again.

SUE

Maybe the train derailed.

KIRK

It probably hit a cow.

SUE

(Laughs)

Probably. There's something interesting about this town though. For the first time I've been able to relax a little. I don't even feel like doing as much work as usual.

KIRK

I feel the same way about this place. I even wrote a letter to my mother. At least I think I did depending how my computer is.

SUE

It's such a weird backward little place. It's kind of like a homely dog that grows on you after awhile.

KIRK

Yeah, kinda like mold.

(Laughs)

Kinda... I'm even talking like they do.

SUE

That will never do back in the big city.

KIRK

Ya' know. I darn near don't care.

SUE

I'd never get any work done in this place. There's almost this overpowering wave of laziness that hangs like a cloud over this town, making you want to nothing but sit and watch sitcoms.

KIRK

Frightening, isn't it?

SUE

And before you know it, I'd be married to some plumber named Mac and get pregnant. Pretty soon I'd begin to look like Verna.

VERNA

Beats selling your soul.

SUE and VERNA give each other cold stares, then return to their own little worlds.

KIRK

Still this place might be an interesting venture.

SUE

So would ice making in the Sahara Desert, but I wouldn't do it.

KIRK

Where's your spirit? Where's your sense of adventure?

SUE

At home in my hot tub.

KIRK

City girl to the end.

SUE

You got that right.

KIRK

I think I could get to like this place.

VERNA

(Winking at KIRK)

We'd sure make you feel welcome, honey.

SUE

There's nothing to do here though. I'm already bored and I've only been here a week.

KIRK

Boredom can be kinda nice once in a while. I think I could handle it for a few years.

SUE

I think you're nuts.

KIRK

It's better than getting ulcers.

SUE

True. There wouldn't be as many battles to fight... or victories to be one.

VERNA

You can't fight forever, honey.

SUE is about to protest but decides not to.

KIRK

(After a slight pause. Looks at watch)

Hey, it's almost the New Year.

SUE

(Looks at watch. Shrugs)

Big deal.

KIRK

2000. It sounds like something out of a science fiction movie.

SUE

Sounds ominous to me.

KIRK

I take it you're not very optimistic about the new century.

SUE

I try to never be optimistic about anything. That way I'm never disappointed.

KIRK

No big plans for the next decade?

SUE

Oh, I have plenty of goals.

KIRK

Care to share any?

SUE

No.

KIRK

Fine. Then I'll tell you some of mine.

SUE

Go ahead if you really want to.

KIRK

I hope to be president of the company by the end of the decade. The big guy's old. He'll croak or retire before long and I plan on being next in line.

SUE

No next of kin? No princes waiting to be king?

KIRK

Nope, that's the beauty of it.

SUE

That must be nice.

KIRK

Okay, I told you my deepest desires. It's your turn.

VERNA

I can't wait to hear this.

SUE

(To VERNA)

Do you mind?

VERNA

No, not at all, honey.

KIRK

Ignore her. Come on, confess.

SUE

(Thinks about it, but backs down)

There's nothing to tell really.

KIRK

Come on, everyone has dreams. Where would the human race be without dreams?

VERNA

A lot better off than we are now, that's for sure.

SUE

Who asked you?

VERNA

It's a free country.

SUE

I often wonder if free speech was a good idea.

KIRK

It is if you're a liberal.

VERNA

ERA all the way, honey.

SUE

Can't we put a muzzle on her or something?

KIRK

Come on. You didn't answer my question.

SUE

I don't want to talk about it.

KIRK

I won't leave you alone until you tell me your goals for the New Year.

SUE

Sorry... no plans.  I think that whole Y2K bug is going to cripple our economy... I was hoping to get back to my bunker before midnight but I'm stuck here instead.  What a way to end it all...

KIRK

You're not fooling me.  You look like a very ambitious woman.  You've probably got entire lists of goals and objectives composed.

SUE

And why should I tell you anything?

KIRK

Some people like movies; I like knowing about people. The most unpredictable story I've even seen is life. With life, the plots are more interesting and the characters are more realistic. You never know what's going to happen next and there's always something about people that we have yet to discover. Besides, you'll never see me again so what does it matter what you tell me?

VERNA

I'll tell you anything, honey.

SUE

He wasn't asking you?

VERNA

Well, I thought he might wanna give me a try since I ain't being so difficult.

Sue stands in frustration and gives in.

SUE

Fine. You want to know my goals? I want to be on the cover of Time magazine. I want to be rich. I want to hold the fate of Seattle in my hot little hands. I want the world to be at my door, begging and pleading for my favors just so I can slam the door in their faces. I want to grind mankind into the dirt and listen to them beg for mercy.

Pause. KIRK is silent. SUE is turned away. Her voice is soft now with a hint of sorrow.  She sits again.

SUE (Cont.)

And I want my father to say "I proud of you" ...and mean it.

KIRK

(After a moment)

I guess that's all any of us want.

SUE

(Still looking away)

You, too?

KIRK

I don't think my parent's will ever be satisfied with what I do. They always want something more out of me.

SUE

I don't really know what my parents want. I guess my Dad wants success, but I think Mom would rather see me settled down and pregnant. I sometimes wonder if it might be nice be a wife and have kids. It's hard at times to come home to an empty home with a cat who could care less about you. But I don't think I could stand being a housewife like my mother. It seems so futile.

(Pause)

I want to work. I want to get somewhere. (Pause) Yet, I still wonder if I can live without love. At times, life just goes a little too fast for me. It didn't use to be that way, but now I'm beginning to wonder. (Pause) What does the new century hold for the woman? Will we finally get on top or will we settle down? Or is either one possible? (Pause) If only they'd find a way for men to have babies, then we'd be fine.

VERNA

Amen, sister.

SUE

Sorry to ramble on like that.

KIRK

Fine by me. Keep going if you like.

SUE

I don't know why I even said as much as I did.

(Looks at KIRK)

What about you? Any dark secrets of the heart?

KIRK

Well, my shrink says I'm just "trying to please my mother." Classic Oedipus Complex.

He stops in disgust

SUE

(Sits)

My shrink said the same thing about my father and I.

KIRK

Just call us Oedipus and Electra.

SUE

Killed off your father yet?

KIRK

No, not yet. I'm working on it though. Wouldn't want people to start thinking Freud was wrong about anything.

SUE

Just because Freud had a problem with his mother doesn't mean everyone else does.

KIRK

(Pretending to be a psychologist)

YOU merely mock Freud because YOU see some truth in it don't you.

SUE

I personally would rather see my father shot.

KIRK

(Overdramatic)

What?! Could Freud be wrong?

They laugh. VERNA is disgusted

VERNA

What is this? Some kind of deranged Yuppie humor?

KIRK

(Ignoring VERNA. Looks at watch)

We missed the New Year's countdown.

VERNA

And I missed my kiss. But I'll let you make it up to me.

SUE

Dang... the world didn't come to an end. 

KIRK

2000 is here at last.

SUE

Is that good or bad?

KIRK

What has you so down?

SUE

Oh, love and money. The usual things.

VERNA

You just ain't got enough of either, huh?

SUE

Nope.

KIRK

Maybe you've been looking for the wrong thing.

They look at each other a moment, then smile.  Sue gives him a little kiss on the cheek.

SUE

Happy New Year.

KIRK

Thanks.

(Stands)

What would you say to a cup of coffee? My treat.

SUE

Sure. Why not. I've got nothing better to do.

KIRK

(As they exit)

I think there's a machine out in the hall.

VERNA

(Phone rings. VERNA answers)

Yeah? No lay over, huh? Okay. Gotcha. (Hangs up, calls over loud speaker) The midnight train to Seattle has arrived. There will be no delay as was originally scheduled. Please begin boarding immediately.

SUE and KIRK run in from L, frantic. They grab their bags and rush out R. They say the following as they go:

KIRK

Hold the train!

SUE

We're coming!

KIRK

Don't let it go without us.

VERNA

I'm holding it tight, honey.

SUE

Let's go.

KIRK

Okay. I think I have everything. Seems like I'm always forgetting something.

(They're gone)

RUT

(Comes out of hall)

Them Seattle folk gone yet?

VERNA

Yeap. There they go.

RUT

I thought they'd never get out of here.

VERNA

It wasn't so bad. The guy was kinda cute. I hope he keeps doing business here. If he does, I may have to go back to school and get myself a business degree.

(Remembers something)

Oh, no. He forgot his computer. That's okay, he's got money. He can buy another.

(VERNA brings out the computer and sit by RUT)

RUT

What's that?

VERNA

That business guy's computer.

RUT

How'd they get it so small?

VERNA

Beats me.

RUT

Turn it on. I wanna see it work.

VERNA

I'm not sure how.

RUT

Push that.

She turns it on.

RUT (CONT.)

Look at that sucker light up.

VERNA

Amazing what they can do now days.

RUT

What are you doing?

VERNA

I don't know really but it's fun.

RUT

What's that mean?

VERNA

I'm not sure.

(Pushes a button)

Ooops.

RUT

How come that disappeared?

VERNA

Ooops.

RUT

There goes another one.

VERNA

Where'd they go? I sure hope they wasn't important.

VERNA (CONT.)

(As lights fade)

Ooops.

RUT is laughing and clapping.

VERNA (CONT.)

Ooops.

(Black out)

END OF PLAY