BROTHER MAKEOVER by D. M. Larson

"BROTHER MAKEOVER" by D. M. Larson

LUKE
Please, Peg. Don't leave me alone with her.
 
PEG
I see you two are getting along pretty well.
 
LUKE
She's all over me. I don't know what to do.
 
PEG
Tell her no.
 
LUKE
But if I don't play nice, I'll lose everything. She made that pretty clear.
 
PEG
Then let her have her way.
 
LUKE
I can't seem to do that either.
 
PEG
You're stuck, bro. I don't know what to tell you.
                                (Smiles)
You've got to admire her though.
 
LUKE
What?
 
PEG
Men have been doing this to women for years. Look at Hollywood. Haven't you heard of the casting couch? Now the tables have been turned. Women are in position to do it to men. It doesn't feel so good, does it?
 
LUKE
No.
 
PEG
I'm having trouble feeling too sorry for you.
 
LUKE
Thanks a lot. When did I ever do this anyone else? I don't deserve this.
 

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PEG
What about that time in high school?
 
LUKE
What time?
 
PEG
Remember that girl, Jamie?
 
LUKE
Jamie? Jamie who?
 
PEG
Poor girl. You don't even remember her.
 
LUKE
Come on, Peg. Get to the point.
 
PEG
You know, Jamie, your prom date.
 
LUKE
Oh, that girl.
 
PEG
She went with you to the prom and did who knows what with you after because she wanted to get a job with our parents for the summer at water park.
 
LUKE
That's why she went out with me?
 
PEG
Don't play the victim. I know you used her. You dangled that over her so she'd go out with you.
 
LUKE
I did not.
                        (Sad)
I thought maybe she actually liked me. And she ditched me after the prom. She went with Jack and his gang.
 
PEG
The football team?
 
LUKE
They had some kind of after prom party. I wasn't invited. She dumped me for the football team.
 
PEG
Somehow you just became the victim again. So much for making you the bad guy.
 
LUKE
So you feel sorry for me yet?
 
PEG
No, you're still a man.
 
LUKE
You're no help, you know that?
 
PEG
I wish more men could be put in your situation. Everyone should know how it feels.
 
LUKE
Okay, okay. I got the point. Men bad. Women get revenge. Fine, lesson learned. Now how do I get out of this?
 
PEG
It depends. Do you make her happy or mad?
 
LUKE
Either way I lose.
 
PEG
Then you have to decide which way do you lose the least?
 
LUKE
You lost anything with your new plumber boyfriend yet?
 
PEG
He's been a perfect gentleman.
 
LUKE
Yeah, he's a winner alright. Clark Gable and Homer Simpson all wrapped up into one.
 
PEG
At least he isn't asking for any special favors.
 
LUKE
The night is still young.
 
PEG
And you've got a big head start.
 
LUKE
Please, Peg. Tell me what to do.
 
PEG
This is unusual. Usually you're always telling me what to do.
 
LUKE
Now here's your chance to tell me.
 
PEG
I think it's more fun to watch you suffer.
 
LUKE
Peg, please...
 
PEG
There is one way...
 
LUKE
(Desperate)
What? What is it?
 
PEG
I'd tell you but....
 
LUKE
Peg!
 
PEG
You have to promise you will never make fun of me again.
 
LUKE
Oh.
 
PEG
Then it's a deal?
 
LUKE
I'm thinking.
 
PEG
Never mind.
 
LUKE
No, wait. I was just joking. I need to get it out of my system. Sorry.
 
PEG
Deal?
(Holds out hand)
 
LUKE
(Shakes)
Deal. Now what is it?
 
PEG
The answer is simple really.
 
LUKE
Yes?
 
PEG
All you have to do is...

 (Peg stuffs some food in her mouth)

LUKE
Peg. Tell me!

 (Peg is Talking with her mouth full)

PEG                   
You need to do something to turn her off.
 
LUKE
What?
 
PEG
You do something that makes you less attractive to her.
 
LUKE
That's all I have to do?
 
PEG
That's it. That's all. That simple.
 
LUKE
But what can I do?
 
PEG
I don't know.
 
LUKE
Come on, Peg. That's like showing a starving man food and not letting him eat.
 
PEG
Let's see. A change of clothes. A change of attitude. Maybe if we put you in a dress.
 
LUKE
No. No dresses.
 
PEG
You're making this difficult Luke.
 
LUKE
I want her to find me unattractive. I don't want her to put me in an insane asylum.

PEG

Watch...

Peg does a weird makeover using stuff around the room - pull shirt through pants zipper, mess hair - tie like a headband.  Peg holds up a mirror.

LUKE

Wow... I make Beetlejuice look handsome.

END OF SCENE

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BROTHER MAKEOVER by D. M. Larson is from the Published Play "A Little Private Education"
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