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(Cat runs around like crazy attacking invisible things)

Captain
Do you ever wonder why cats get the crazies? You know when they act all weird... Well, weirder than usual. You see them run around like crazy and attack invisible things. I have made an amazing discovery. One you'll never believe unless you could see it for yourself. But I saw it with my own two eyes and I am a firm believer that cats are the protectors of our planet.

(Cat is off stage upset)

Cat
Me-wrowl!

Captain
My cat's in trouble... Or about to cough up a hairball. Here kitty kitty - where are you?

(Captain brings in cat who has a bag over her head - she comes in backwards trying to get out)

Captain
How did you get caught in that? That's weird. You could have suffocated tied up in a bag like that.

(Captain finally gets her and gets the bag off)

Captain
Ow! Why did you scratch me?

(Cat gets a weird look like she sees something)

Captain
What's up with you?

(Cat pounces)

Captain
Then the weirdest thing happened - we got shot with some kind of shrink ray and the whole world started to change around us.

(Curtains open to reveal an alien world)

Cat
How dare you bring a human into this conflict?!

Captain
Did you... Just speak?

Cat
I always speak. This is just the first time you've understood me.

Captain
Wow, I always suspected you saying something to me. I always wanted to understand you. This is so cool.

Cat
We get shrink down and transported to another dimension and all you notice is that I can talk.

Captain
Another dimension?

Cat
Yes

Captain
And you can talk!

Cat
*Sigh*

Captain
What have you been saying to me all these years?

Cat
Trust me - you don't want to know what I was saying.

Captain
So why are we in another dimension?

Cat
Finally a reasonable question. We have been brought here by the forces of evil.

Captain
Whoa.

Cat
Felines have been in a century long battle with tiny creatures from another dimension called the Purple Tingle Tangles. Humans just think cats are being cute when we run around and attack invisible things when in fact we have been battling the PTT all these years. But now they have invented some sort of weapon that has shrunk is down and brought us to their dimension.

Captain
Whoa.

Cat
Now we must seek them out and discover their evil plan and put a stop to them.

Captain
Cool. Let's do this.

Cat
They're approaching.

Captain
What do we do?

Cat
We fight.

Captain
With what?

Cat
Our claws.

Captain
I have no claws.

Cat
Then run!

(Purple Tingle Tangles rush in and attack - Cat fights them and Captain gets chased by them - they capture the cat and leave - the Captain stands there confused)

Captain
Now what do I do?

King
Hark! Who goes there?

Captain
Oh hey! Another human. Hi! I'm new here. You can call me Captain.

King
Hello there Captain. Peace be with you.

Captain
And you.

King
What are you Captain of?

Captain
Of myself - my parents were big Captain and Tennille fans and named me after him.

King
What strange words you say. You must be from an advanced civilization in another time zone.

Captain
Sure why not.

King
I too am from Earth - I was brought here many many years ago with others like us - they needed a leader and I led them - I now have a mighty kingdom which I protect from the purple tingle tangles.

Captain
Yeah they kind of took my cat.

King
I seek a mighty warrior - a captain perhaps - who can lead my army against the evil PTT.

Captain
Well um... I'm not sure I qualify - how big is your army?

King
Currently one - that's you - here's your weapon.

Captain
Oh wow this is awesome - it's like a light saber or something.

King
I have no clue how to work it.

Captain
I'll fiddle.

King
Go forth and defeat the evil horde and you will be rewarded.

Captain
Reward? What kind of reward?

King
Your own castle.

Captain
I'm digging it.

King
And the hand of my daughter in marriage.

Captain
Is she pretty?

King
She is the most beautiful woman in this dimension.

Captain
She's not the only woman in this dimension is she?

King
No - there are many others - she is the prettiest - here is a picture.

Captain
Whoa

Captain
Cool - (he turns on light sword) I'll do it.

King
Huzzah!

Captain
So I went in search of the purple tingle tangles and I snuck up on their camp where they had my cat captured.

Cat
You'll never get away with this - we'll find a way to stop you.

(One shoots cat with a squirt bottle)

Cat
(hiss)
Stop that.

Captain
(sneaks up)
Psst! I'm here to rescue you.

Cat
Oh no - you sure about this? Maybe you should sit this one out.

Captain
Don't worry - I've got this!

(Turns on light sword - PTT all see him - they shout and rawr)

Cat
I can't look.

(Captain does a battle cry and battles them - he wins! They howl and run off)

Captain
You can look now.

Cat
You did it - you actually did it.

(Captain releases cat)

Cat
You saved my life.

Captain
You're welcome.

(Cat yells at PTT)

Cat
HA! You're no match for us now!

Captain
Um... They're coming back and they brought some friends!

Cat
A lot of friends - let's get out of here.

Captain
No wait!

(Uncovers some big huge gun he finds in the PTT's stuff)

Captain
Is this a laser cannon or something?

Cat
Yes! Blast them!

(Captain runs off stage yelling and shooting)

Cat
You've got them on the run! You did it!

(King and Princess run in)

King
Huzzah!

Princess
He's so heroic... And handsome.

Captain (returns)
They really shouldn't this kind of firepower lying around.

King
You did it! You saved the kingdom!

Captain
So .. Uh... This your daughter?

King
Yes, this is the Princess.

Princess
Hi.

Captain
Well, hello there.

Cat
I feel like coughing up a hairball all the sudden.

King
Let's go see your new castle...

Captain
Cool.

King
One thing though... I don't know if this will be a problem but it's made out of hamburger.

Captain
Hamburger?

King
We call it hamburger because it's very similar to what we know as hamburger back home - but it's an amazing building material.

Captain
This I gotta see.

Princess
You're gonna love it. I decorated it myself.

Captain
So you're beautiful and talented?

(Princess giggles and they exit. Cat starts coughing)

Cat
Hairball - Here is comes.

End of Play

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