(Lights come up on a studio that is a cross between a yoga and karate studio. PUPILS are dressed in white and are in various strange positions in a state of meditation. Each PUPIL has a small box next to them. NOTE: There can be one PUPIL or a dozen. The Fart-Zen MASTER stands before them also in a state of meditation. STEPH enters. STEPH is in a business suit with her hair up. Everything about her scream tension. She stops worried she has interrupted them)
Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were in the middle of a session. I'll come back.
No, please enter. All are welcome here.
Hello, I'm Stephanie Miller.
(Pulls out a business card and gives it to the MASTER. STEPH turns and looks at PUPILS. MASTER tosses card carelessly)
I was referred here by my doctor. She says I've got way too much stress in my life and she prescribed some relaxation exercises. Your Fart-Zen school comes highly recommended for it's success in relieving all kinds of stress and anxiety disorders.
(STEPH has been pacing nervously. MASTER stops her)
It is said "far-zen".
Oh... so sorry. T is silent. Got it. Kind of like Mozart but the opposite. He must have taken your T sound.
Perhaps. Pupils. Assume position... Ichi.
(PUPILS all shift into a similar position and all fart as they do so. NOTE: The farting will most likely will have to be done with a recording unless you have some really talented farters in the cast. STEPH looks at them in disgust but MASTER says nothing)
So what is the source of your tension?
Huh? Oh, work I guess.
You seem distracted.
Every since I got this promotion, I've been a total air head.
(PUPILS shift again to a new position and fart more)
Are they okay?
They are reaching a state of advanced relaxation.
(PUPILS sit by their boxes and pull out various things to consume such as bean burritos, soda, broccoli, apples, milk, cheese, etc.)
Wait a minute. What is exactly the whole idea here?
All tension is something that is within you. Stress becomes bottled up and new stress makes it all shaken and builds inside you. If you have to way to relieve that stress, then it grows until it becomes unhealthy and even painful. Is your tension causing you pain?
It does. I get these panic attacks... I swear I was having a heart attack.
And one day you may unless you have a proper way to expel the demon which festers within.
Prepare for the next position!
(PUPILS rush excitedly and get themselves set)
(PUPILS bend in various positions and there is a some serious farting)
(The smell is too much for STEPH and she covers her mouth)
We must all reach a state of perfect relaxation. But only the Fert-zen master can achieve such a perfect state through repeated practice. The goal of all Fert-zen students is to reach position Shi.
Show us, Master. Show us position Shi.
No, that's okay... I...
Prepare for position Shi.
(PUPILS all clear floor and wait excitedly as MASTER gets in a strange position. Long pause. Suddenly the fart comes quietly then builds and gets stronger. The PUPILS are in ecstacy. STEPH leaves in disgust. The fart grows and lights fade to black. The fart builds and then stops. Then continues after a moment almost explosively. The PUPILS clap. Wait for silence from audience and then a little fart then comes again just to finish it off. Wait for silence again. Slight pause)
You are the master.
END OF PLAY
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