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I HATE BUFFETS monologue

by D. M. Larson

From the play "When Mel Fell for Nell"

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I hate buffets... Not for the obvious like germs... Get your fingers out of there! Yes I know I'm not your momma.... Just do it... That's gross... Don't you dare lick your fingers. Gross... Okay maybe it's the germs too...

But here is my main problem. All you can eat is way too much for me... It's too much for everyone. Why do we need so many options? I hate all these choices. And I always feel like I make the wrong one.

I eat something and it sits like a lump in my stomach... I try another... Two lumps. Another... It's all terrible... Buffets don't give you more... Just a lot of bad choices... I just want to find one place... A great place with something really good. One really good thing I can count on to always be good for me. So yummy I will just eat it over and over again... That one wonderful thing that settles inside me...

(Burps or almost throws up...)

Not this... This torture... Eating and eating bits of everything... Tearing me up inside... It's gonna rip me apart.


From the play "When Mel Fell for Nell"
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Or buy a PDF of the full play at

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