free solo stage play script monologue

The Romanian Uranium Mystery

(A Mystery Dinner Theatre Experience)


D. M. Larson

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Copyright (c) 2001

All Rights Reserved



Food Course 1 (on table as enter)


Prescene: Inspector Clueles

Scene 1: Milan International Airport

Scene 2: Protest at the Mission


Food Course 2


Scene 3: Death by Appetizers


Food Course 3: Dinner



Scene 4 (Clues and Grilling: Audience members will inspect clues and ask the suspects questions. The audience then makes their guesses on paper and turns this in)


Food Course 4: Dessert


Scene 5: Who Dunnit? (The killer is revealed and they make their confession)





Buffy Beaumont: Washed up cheerleader draws a Romanian count by promise of riches


Juliet Redheart: Activist against the uranium mine comes out and does little protest speeches


Inspector Clueles: European detective who poses as Richard Ranche, a Romanian Count who has been asked to invest in uranium mines.


BUSYBODY: Business person says she has mine investment going but it is just a scam to get money


Goldy Digger: Owner of uranium mine a flamboyant individual

WENDY the waitress: A ditsy chick who continually bugs the audience with wrong orders and regrets it when she finally gets one right.


DEE LIVERY: A kid who delivers


COUNTESS: The Counts's wife who shows up unexpectedly.







CLUELES: I am Inspector Clueles' of the INTERPOO [Inter-P Double O]. You haven't heard of INTERPOO? It is the International Patrol of Offenses. I am following one of the biggest scams of all time. There are these people in New Mexico, a small country just South of the United StatesWhat is so funny? Is that not right? Anyway, these New Mexicans are drawing investors from all over the world. Luring them to this small town called Grants to steal their money. I have been sent to pose as their latest victim Richard Ranche, Count of a small region on the Romanian-French border. Count Ranche has promised to give one million Romanian Lei to the person who catches the one who is after him. That's right. You can win one million Lei! You can be a Romanian millionaire or buy yourself dinner in the United States. Now, you here will help me catch the killer. I will make you INTERPOO honorary detectives. Please raise your hand... no the other one and repeat after me. I promise to uphold the rules of the POO, to live by the POO, and to die by the POO. You got that? Good. Now let's get started before the POO hits the fan.

Here are the rules: 1) Must figure out three things: the criminal and the motive;

2) You can not violate the out of bounds area.

3) Relate only to the characters as characters [If you think they look like someone you know ,you are wrong]

4) Prize: 1 million Romanian Lei! Which will about pay for your dinner.




Scene 1: Milan Airport


BUFFY: (Has a welcome sign that says Howdy, Welcome Count) Where is he? I thought for sure he'd be on this plane. I mean how many planes do we get from Romania at the Milan airport. I am so excited about this. He seems so excited to be seeing me. His letters were so lovely. And I'm just sure my letters have his heart in a flutter. (Her happiness turns to annoyance) Why isn't he coming off? Probably some stewardess has discovered he's a millionaire and is sinking her claws into him as we speak. (Sees REDHEART approaching) What are doing here, Redheart?


REDHEART: (Has a sign that says Go Home Count) I'm here to protest the arrival of another one of the rapists of the land coming to rip Uranium out of our precious Mother Earth.


BUFFY: Overdramatic as usual, aren't we Juliet?


REDHEART: And I see you're as heartless as ever, Buffy.


BUFFY: Why don't you go away before I call the police?


REDHEART: I have every right to be here.


BUFFY: And I have every right to smack you up side the head.


REDHEART: I'd like to see you try.


BUFFY: (Gets ready to fight) I've wanted to do this ever since high school.


REDHEART: (Gets ready to fight back) I haven't wanted to do this so bad since high school.


BUFFY: I'll punch you right in your brainy, nerdy little nose.


REDHEART: I'll kick your big washed up cheerleader butt.


BUFFY: Geek!


REDHEART: Airhead!


(They start hitting each other with their signs)


CLUELES: (Rushes in and separates them) Oh, goodness. Please stop. This is terrible.


REDHEART: She started it.


BUFFY: And I'm going to finish it!


CLUELES: Ladies, please. (They stop) Are you Miss Booffy Beaumont?


BUFFY: (Not friendly) Why? Who's asking?


CLUELES: I am Count Richard Ranche.


BUFFY: (Suddenly gushes with friendliness) Oh, County. It's so wonderful that you've made it.


CLUELES: (Kisses hand of REDHEART) And who is this lovely lady?


BUFFY: No one important. She was just leaving.


REDHEART: I'm not leaving until I am heard!


BUFFY: The only thing I want to hear is the sound of you leaving.


REDHEART: Now, look, you two-bit Vanna White wannabe


CLUELES: Ladies, please. Let's not fight.


REDHEART: I will go if you agree to read my pamphlet on why Uranium mining is harmful to every person, place and thing on this Earth.


CLUELES: Why sure, I would be happy to read (REDHEART hands him a huge book) This is a pamphlet?


REDHEART: Just a little something I threw together.


CLUELES: I'd hate to see one of your books.


REDHEART: Farewell, for now. (Exits after giving BUFFY a dirty look)


CLUELES: So you are Buffy?


BUFFY: Of course it's me, silly. Don't you recognize my picture?


CLUELES: (Holds up picture) Well, uh...


BUFFY: (Takes picture) So I don't exactly look like Marilyn Monroe to you, but many people have said I am her reincarnation.


CLUELES: I didn't think it was you because you are much more beautiful than the woman in this picture.


BUFFY: (Squeals with happiness) Oh, you sweet talker you! If you were any sweeter I'd have to cut you up and sell you as candy.


CLUELES: Cut me up?


BUFFY: Oh, I know. You're confused by all our strange American words and our strange American ways. But I have done some study on your country and I am well prepared to be your cultural guide.



BUFFY: Now you must trust me. There are many dangerous people here.


CLUELES: Dangerous?


BUFFY: Trust no one except me of course. All these people are after your money.


CLUELES': My money?


BUFFY: They will stop at nothing to take it from you. So you must be very, very careful. (Pauses) Speaking of money. Do you have the money with you?


CLUELES': Yes, I have one million Lei, just liked you asked.


BUFFY: Where is it? I'll keep it for you.


CLUELES: No, it is safe.


BUFFY: Don't you trust me?


CLUELES: Yes, but I must be careful. Like you said, it is dangerous here.


BUFFY: Are you hungry?


CLUELES: Always.


BUFFY: As part of my cultural research, I learned to make several Romanian dishes. (Gets a plate of food) I made Sarmale.


CLUELES: Oh? Sarmale. (Looks at it cautiously. Tries to look excited) I love Sarmale.


BUFFY: Here you go... (CLUELES takes a bit then coughs, then chokes. BUFFY only looks a little concerned) You okay?


CLUELES: No, (Choking)


BUFFY: Do you want me to hold your money while you go take care of that?




BUFFY: Oh, is it too hot?


CLUELES: (Choking) Water


BUFFY: (Hopeful) Now where can I find some water?


CLUELES: In bag hurry


BUFFY: (Sighs. Takes her time. Finds a bottle of shaving cream) Is this it? (He shakes head no. Holds up another bottle) This it? (He snatches it out of her hand and takes it. He calms down) What's with you anyway?


CLUELES: I thought I was going to die.


BUFFY: The green chile wasn't that hot was it?


CLUELES: Who puts green chile on Sarmale?


BUFFY: Oh, I just love green chile. I put it on everything.


CLUELES: Remind me not to eat at your house.


BUFFY: Oh, silly me. I'm so sorry. (Pats him on shoulder) You don't look so good. Do you need a doctor?


CLUELES: No, I'll be okay.


BUFFY: (Looks at bottle) Do you need more water? (He nods his head) I'll take you to the restaurant and get you some nice cool ice water. I'll go get the car. (BUFFY exits)


CLUELES: This mission may be more dangerous than I thought. This Booffy is most interesting. Booffy has a history of bad deals since high school. In high school, she was very popular. Captain of the cheergirls, Queen of the PomPom. But nothing has worked for her since. Booffy is very suspicious. First the strange chile and she also seems very anxious to know about the money. Maybe one million Lei is a lot of money in New Mexico. I certainly know it isn't in the United States. At this point in time, Booffy Beaumont is my leading suspect. Then there's this Juliet Redheart. Now Juliet Redheart, that protesting woman, is not what she seems. See, she is actually a millionaire with a lot of time on her hands. See, she is the inventor of some little gadget that people use in their hair, or was it their nose? Doesn't matter. She is very rich from this. So she spends her time fighting for one cause or another. Her record shows many arrests and this concerns me. At this point, Juliet Redheart is my leading suspect.



Scene 2: Protest at the RESTAURANT


REDHEART: Stop the mines! Don't build no bombs, man. (She realizes she isn't getting through) Use dukes not nukes (sighs) I need a new slogan. Doesn't seem like anybody really cares anymore. What ever happened to the protests, the action, the resistance Everyone quit fighting and got jobs. They sold out, man. But not me. I'm here to fight. Fight for peace, man. Fight for keeping our land pure and our air clean. Let's not let them dig up that uranium. Let's keep it in the ground and out of our missile silos. Let's do the right thing people. Chant with me now! Use dukes not nukes. Use dukes not nukes... (REDHEART marches around the room)


BUSYBODY: Hey, you. Juliet Redheart. Clear out of here.


REDHEART: No, way. This is a free country and I can be where I want to be.


BUSYBODY: This is a restaurant. You can't just barge in here and protest. They have a sign out there that says they reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.


REDHEART: Hey, I have a shirt, I have shoes, I can be in here if I want to.


BUSYBODY: Fine. Stay then. See if I care. You can just stand there while I eat this beef jerky.


REDHEART: You wouldn't dare.


BUSYBODY: (Pulls out some jerky) Here it comes.


REDHEART: No, please don't.


BUSYBODY: I'm ready to sink my teeth into this luscious little hunk of animal.


REDHEART: No, I can't look.


BUSYBODY: Down the hatch.


REDHEART: Noooo. (Runs out)


BUSYBODY: (Laughs) That gets her every time. I don't think I've ever had to eat the jerky in front of her. I hate the stuff actually, but it does the job. (Looks at watch)

Now where is everyone? That airplane should be here by now. I knew I should have picked up that Romanian Count myself. I can't trust Buffy to do anything. If that woman had any more air in her head, she could be in the Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta.


GOLDY: Sorry, I'm late. I'm on a committee to plan next year's Flame and Frost bike rally.


BUSYBODY: Fire and Ice.


GOLDY: Whatever. I just love all those bikers. It's so exciting. So has the Count arrived? I've been counting on it.

(Laughs at own joke)


BUSYBODY: (Rolls eyes) No, he isn't here yet. I wonder what's keeping Buffy. I knew I should have gone instead but she wouldn't tell me what time his plane was arriving. I'm worried she's up to no good.


GOLDY: I wouldn't count her out. (Laughs)


BUSYBODY: Will you stop?


GOLDY: Sorry.


BUSYBODY: Now do you have the deed to your property?


GOLDY: I think so. (Searches)


BUSYBODY: Don't lose it.


GOLDY: I didn't lose it. I don't think so anyway.


BUSYBODY: Maybe I should hold it for you.


GOLDY: (Remembers. Pulls it out of handbag. It's rolled and has a pretty pink bow on it) Here it is.


BUSYBODY: Never mind. You can hold it.


GOLDY: So do you think my Uranium mine is worth millions?


BUSYBODY: This Romanian is willing to invest millions in it.


GOLDY: I sure hope so. I really need the money. My uranium rock art isn't selling like I hoped it would. I was sure it would get a glowing review. (Laughs)


REDHEART: (Enters chanting) Nukes make me Puke. Nukes make me Puke.


BUSYBODY: Hey! I thought I told you to get out of here.


REDHEART: It's a free country.


BUSYBODY: Only customers are allowed in here.


REDHEART: I am a customer. I bought a piece of pie. Nukes make me Puke. Nukes make me Puke.


BUSYBODY: You're disturbing the peace. I'm getting the police. (Starts to exits)


REDHEART: (Starts to follow BUSYBODY) Use Dukes not Nukes. Use Dukes not Nukes. (Stops when BUSYBODY is gone)


GOLDY: Why did you go and do that, Juliet?


REDHEART: Why are you going to sell your land?


GOLDY: I really need the money. I'm very high maintenance. You can't look like this on a WalMart budget.


REDHEART: They are going to destroy your land, Goldy.


GOLDY: No, Busybody said it will be okay.


REDHEART: Busybody is lying.


GOLDY: But I need the money. Being an artist doesn't pay the bills. If I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose it anyway.


REDHEART: What if I gave you the money?


GOLDY: What? You'd do that?


REDHEART: Name your price. Whatever the Romanian will pay, I'll double it.


GOLDY: We're talking millions.


REDHEART: I can get it.


GOLDY: Right now?


REDHEART: Monday, I promise.


GOLDY: But the Romanian has it now and I have this big party I have to attend tonight.


REDHEART: But it's the weekend. All the banks are closed. How can I get my hands on that much money now? Give me a little time, Goldy. I'll get the money.


GOLDY: I don't know. Busybody will be really mad at me if I sell it to you.


REDHEART: Why? What does Busybody get out of it?


GOLDY: That's, that's a secret.


REDHEART: Goldy, Busybody can't be trusted.


GOLDY: I've got to go.


REDHEART: Please, give me time. I'll get that money.


GOLDY: I don't know. (They exit)


CLUELES: Very mysterious indeed. Busybody is a leading merchant in this area. Managed to make a fortune by working deals with landowners in the county. Turned a barren interstate exit into a thriving casino. Turned a swamp into a lakefront resort. Made an old mill into a factory, although I don't see anything being produced. Now Busybody works with Goldy on the Uranium mine deal. Goldy is desperate for money, since his art isn't paying. People do crazy things when they are desperate for money. At this point, these two are my leading suspects.






BUFFY: Here we are, Richard. This is the lovely restaurant I was telling you about. We will be meeting the others here.


CLUELES: Very nice. Reminds me of a French cafe' not far from my home.


BUFFY: I thought you were Romanian.


CLUELES: (Thinks fast) Well, yes, I am. We do have French caf's in Romania just like you have Chinese restaurants here.


BUFFY: Oh, I see Now remember what I told you. These people can't be trusted. They'll rob you blind. I, on the other, hand will protect your money, I mean you. (Sees BUSYBODY) Oh, no. Here comes Busybody.


BUSYBODY: Buffy. There you are. You are way off schedule.


BUFFY: Chill out, Busybody. Don't get your briefs in a bunch.


BUSYBODY: So this is the Count. (Holds out hand) So nice to meet you. (CLUELES nods politely and shakes his hand) Doesn't he speak English?


BUFFY: He does. He's just shy.


BUSYBODY: So how are we supposed to do the deal if he doesn't talk to me?


BUFFY: I will speak for him.


BUSYBODY: You've got to be kidding. You? You couldn't deal your way out of a bag.


BUFFY: Now look Busybody...


(CLUELES clears throat and motions Buffy over and whispers to her)


BUSYBODY: What did he say?


BUFFY: He said please leave Buffy alone.


BUSYBODY: I'll bet he did.


BUFFY: We don't like your attitude. Perhaps we should look for somewhere else to spend his millions. (CLUELES nods in agreement and they start to go)


BUSYBODY: I'm sorry Count. Buffy and I have had a difficult relationship in the past, but this deal has brought us together. We are looking out for your best interest and we're putting our differences aside to do what's best for you and the community here.


(CLUELES wanders off to check out art in room)


BUSYBODY: He seems to have taken quite a liking to you. Don't let it go to your head. This is still my deal.


BUFFY: Without me, you'd have no deal.


BUSYBODY: Just don't blow it or you can forget your share. So where is he keeping the money?


BUFFY: He keeps it with him at all times.


BUSYBODY: Perhaps I could keep it safe for him instead.


BUFFY: He won't let me keep it, so I doubt he'll let you.


BUSYBODY: (Goes to CLUELES) Nice meeting you. I'll see you a little later. (Exits)


BUFFY: I thought that went rather well.


CLUELES: Did it?


BUFFY: I'm letting them know they can't walk all over me.


CLUELES: So these people are not nice to you?


BUFFY: They are horrible to me. Ever since I got out of high school, they have treated me like I'm nothing. But in high school, everyone worshipped me. I was the head cheerleader, I was Prom Queen, and I was Miss Grants in the Miss New Mexico competition. If it hadn't been for that horrible Miss Gallup and her musical I Have a Dream tribute, I would have been third runner up.


CLUELES: I am so sorry. This is very sad for you.


BUFFY: Not as sad as everyone else will be when I, I mean we get rich off this mining deal. (GOLDY enters)


GOLDY: Did I hear someone say rich?


BUFFY: Oh, hi, Goldy. Goldy, this is Count CLUELES'.


GOLDY: The count himself. I was counting on you to show up. (Laughs) Get it? Counting on you?


CLUELES: (Laughs) Yes, very funny.


GOLDY: It's nice to meet you, Count.


BUFFY: (To CLUELES) Goldy is the owner of the mine. (CLUELES nods and wanders off)


GOLDY: This deal means the world to me. That land has been in my family forever and has always been bad luck. Finally, I see my luck turning around. So you see that you don't blow it, Buffy. I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work out, but I know I'll do something... desperate.


BUFFY: Now, Goldy. Calm down. Always the drama queen.


GOLDY: Busybody promised me this would be easy. This hasn't been easy at all.


BUFFY: If this deal goes through, there will be plenty for all of us. Let's not be greedy.


GOLDY: You're right, Buffy. But still. Busybody has been acting strange lately.


BUFFY: Strange? In what way?


GOLDY: I don't know. She's all, you know, angry. It makes me want nothing to do with her. And now Juliet Redheart is offering to buy my mine.


BUFFY: You can't let her do that!


GOLDY: She said she'd pay double.


BUFFY: But you made a promise. You can't cut Busybody and I out of the deal like this. (Angry) Oh, I could just kill that Juliet.


GOLDY: And Busybody will kill me if I take Juliet's money.


BUFFY: I'll help.


GOLDY: Maybe I better go.


BUFFY: No, wait. I'm only kidding. I promise we'll have a deal before the night is over. Let me talk to the Count. I'm sure it will be a done deal. Hey! Maybe I can get him to beat Juliet's offer.


GOLDY: That would be great, Buffy!


BUFFY: Give me time. We'll make it work.


GOLDY: Thank you, Buffy. I can just taste those new Armani shoes I've been dreaming about. (Exits)


CLUELES: (Goes up to BUFFY) Maybe this all was a bad idea. Every one seems so angry. Did I hear you two talking about killing someone?


BUFFY: Don't be silly, County. I won't let anything bad happen to your money, or you.


REDHEART: (Enters) Two, four, six, eight. Close the mine and put up gates!


CLUELES: Oh, it's that nice lady from the airport.


BUFFY: Let me deal with her.

(CLUELES wanders off)


BUFFY: Oh, look. It's Juliet Bleedingheart.


REDHEART: Oh, hi, Buffy. How are you today?


BUFFY: Quit playing nice with me. I know you don't mean it.


REDHEART: Buffy, I've never hated you. I didn't even hate you in high school. You're the one who did all the hating. And after all that I've done for you.


BUFFY: Juliet, please. You promised you wouldn't bring that up again.


REDHEART: Bring up what?


BUFFY: Ixnay on the ecretsay.


REDHEART: It's forgotten as long as you let me talk to the Count.


BUFFY: Why you little?


REDHEART: I seem to be recalling a moment from your past?


BUFFY: Juliet, you wouldn't dare.


REDHEART: (calls over CLUELES) Count Ranche? Did you get a chance to read my book?


CLUELES: Cover to cover. Very interesting.


REDHEART: So you can see why this deal can't go through.


BUFFY: The only thing he can see is an annoying person who is interfering with progress.


CLUELES: (Makes eyes at REDHEART) Is that what I see?


BUFFY: (Pulls him away) I thought I told you not to talk to anyone.


CLUELES: But she is so nice.


REDHEART: (Goes to them) You know, maybe she's right.


BUFFY: I am?


REDHEART: Keeping quiet is a good idea. You can't trust these people. They're all dishonest and will rob you blind.


CLUELES: But I'm not blind. (REDHEART and CLUELES' laugh at his joke. BUFFY rolls her eyes) You are very, how you say...


BUFFY: Annoying!


CLUELES': No, charming, that is the word.


REDHEART: How sweet.


BUFFY: Oh, he doesn't like sweets.


CLUELES: Perhaps this one sweet will be okay.


BUFFY: Hey! Now look!


REDHEART: Buffy? What's wrong?


BUFFY: I'll tell you what's wrong County? Will you excuse us a moment?


CLUELES': Sure. I need to use the little boy's room. (CLUELES pretends to exit but sits at a table and hides)


REDHEART: What is with you, Buffy?


BUFFY: You know what's wrong (Mockingly) Oh, you're so sweet. (Mad) You make me sick. Isn't it enough you've taken everything else from me, now you have to take this too?


REDHEART: Okay, I'm sorry to upset you, Buffy. And I'll back off on one condition.


BUFFY: What?


REDHEART: You get him to agree to stop the mining deal.


BUFFY: No way!


REDHEART: Fine, then prepare for a fight.


BUFFY: Oh, I'm scared. You going to hurt me, Juliet?


REDHEART: You know, I just might.


BUFFY: Is that a threat?


REDHEART: No, just a very lovely thought. See ya, Buffy. (Chants) Two, four, six, eight. It's the nukes we really hate. (Marches out)


BUFFY: I hate that woman. I could just kill her! (Exits out)


CLUELES: A very telling statement, and so many threats tonight. I believe this is a formula for murder!


REDHEART: (Enters with CLUELES) Count Ranche. I must speak to you. Let me tell you more about the dangers of Uranium. (They exit together)


BUFFY: (Enters. Asks audience members) Did I just see that Bloodheart with my County? Which way did they go? (Follows directions of audience [right or wrong])


BUSYBODY: (Leads in GOLDY) Can't we get this meeting started?


GOLDY: We need to find that Romanian.


BUFFY: (Enters) Have any of you seen the Count?


BUSYBODY: We thought he was with you.


REDHEART: (Enters with CLUELES) No, he is with me.


BUFFY: Get away from him.


CLUELES: No, please. Let me speak. I have something to say. (Everyone listens) After talking to Ms. Redheart, I have decided this is a mistake. I will not be investing in the mine.


BUFFY: What?!


BUSYBODY: Redheart. What have you done?


GOLDY: I'm ruined.


BUFFY: You've ruined everything.


REDHEART: Come, Richard. I'll pay for your ticket home. Let's go.


BUFFY: Wait. If you go, you'll miss dinner.


CLUELES: Dinner?


BUFFY: It's really good. It's meat. Real juicy American meat.




BUFFY: (To REDHEART) He has a weakness for food.


REDHEART: No, Richard. Don't do it. Come to my house. I'll make you a nice salad.


CLUELES': Salad? Um? No, I'll stay here for dinner.


BUFFY: Good.


REDHEART: Don't do it, Richard. You'll regret it.


BUSYBODY: Care to join us for some meat, Redheart? Some nice red, juicy meat?


REDHEART: I'm going to be sick. (Exits)


GOLDY: Please, Mr. Ranche. Won't you reconsider?


BUFFY: Maybe we could convince him to give up all his money over dinner. That will put you in the mood, eh?


(BUFFY and CLUELES exit)


GOLDY: (Stops BUSYBODY) You said we'd have his money, no problem.


BUSYBODY: So I'm wrong.


GOLDY: This deal is getting worse by the minute.


BUSYBODY: Don't worry. You'll get your money. I'll make sure of that.

(They exit)


CLUELES: I believe I about have my killer. This person appears to be on the edge and will crack any minute. The key is to catch this killer before the deed is done.


(DEE brings in package)


DEE: Got a package for the restaurant.


BUSYBODY: (Enters) A package? I'll sign for it. (Takes it)


DEE: Don't I even get a tip?


BUSYBODY: Buy low, sell high.


DEE: You call that a tip?


BUSYBODY: Here's another, beat it or I'll beat you.


DEE: Good tip.


BUSYBODY: I wonder what's inside? (Opens it as she exits)


DEE: (Looks at clipboard) Now where's my next delivery? (Finds it) Aw, man. I have to deliver a cake to the prison. Does anybody know how I get there?


BUFFY: (Stops DEE) Hey, didn't you bring in a package?


DEE: I gave it to Busybody.


BUFFY: Why did you do that?


DEE: He gave me a good tip.


BUFFY: Is money all you can think about?


DEE: Sorry, lady.


BUFFY: I gave strict orders to have it brought to me. (Exits)


DEE: These people are so weird.


REDHEART: (Enters) Hey you? Didn't I see you come in here with a package?


DEE: Yeah.


REDHEART: Was it for me?


DEE: Did you order something?


REDHEART: Yes, I mean, no. I mean. Oh, never mind. (Exits)


DEE: That was strange.


GOLDY: (Enters with open package) Hey. Did you deliver this package?


DEE: Yes, that's the one. How did you get it?


GOLDY: I found it sitting on a table. Could you deliver it?


DEE: Again?


GOLDY: Here's a nickel. Make sure it gets there safe. (Exits)


DEE: Gee, a whole nickel.


BUFFY: (Enters) What are you doing with the package?


DEE: Don't ask me.


BUFFY: I got it from Busybody and then I oh, shoot. I left it somewhere didn't I? How did it get here? (Exits with package)


DEE: This is getting fun.


REDHEART: (Enters with package) I thought maybe Buffy took my package so I took it from her. She tried to chase me but she threw a shoe. But, alas. It's not even the right one. (Gives it to DEE and exits)


DEE: (Looks at package) I can't believe this.


CLUELES: (Enters) Hello, there. Can I help you?


DEE: (Gives package to CLUELES) Here. Good-bye.


CLUELES: Wait. Would you like a tip? (Pulls out bill)


DEE: No, please no more tips.


CLUELES: That's okay. I guess one thousand lei isn't very much.


DEE: One thousand! I'll take it.


CLUELES: There you go. (DEE takes money and exits. CLUELES looks around) I wonder who this package is for. (Looks inside package) And there doesn't appear to be anything inside. Whatever was inside is gone now. Yet, this may be our first clue.


BUSYBODY: (Enters wiping off hands. Red is on the napkin) So are you ready, Count?


CLUELES': Is that blood?


BUSYBODY: No, (Tastes it) Strawberry pie filling.


CLUELES: Thank goodness.


BUSYBODY: I was just helping out in the kitchen. But after Buffy started to help, they kicked us all out.


CLUELES: I have had Boofy's food. I see why.


BUSYBODY: (Laughs) Now, Count Ranch...


CLUELES: Ranche.


BUSYBODY: Whatever. You appear to be a reasonable man. Perhaps we can work out a little deal. Just you and me.


CLUELES: What about the others?


BUSYBODY: The others are idiots. I'm the brain behind all of this. They will only sour the deal.


BUFFY: (Enters) Oh, there you are. Naughty, naughty. What did I tell you about talking to strangers.


BUSYBODY: We'll talk later. (Starts to exit)


BUFFY: (Stops BUSYBODY) You won't talk to him at all!


GOLDY: (Enters all worried) What's all the yelling about?


BUFFY: Busybody is trying to cut us out of the deal.


GOLDY: You wouldn't?!

BUSYBODY: I was doing no such thing!


(COUNTESS enters)


COUNTESS: Excuse me. (They ignore her) Excuse me. (They notice her) I am looking for my husband, the Count.


BUFFY: Your husband? (Turns on CLUELES') You're married?! How could you lead me on like that?


COUNTESS: I came to surprise him. He doesn't know I'm here. Where is he?


BUSYBODY: (Points to CLUELES) He's right there.


COUNTESS: That's not my husband.


GOLDY: What?


BUFFY: Then who is he?


COUNTESS: I don't know.


GOLDY: So if you're not the Count, then who are you?


CLUELES: I am Inspector Clueles of INTERPOO. I was sent to find out who might want to kill the Count.


COUNTESS: Someone wants to kill my husband?


CLUELES: He, like many other Europeans, was asked to come here to invest by these people. He was to be victim number 3. No one knows what happened to the first two victims.


BUFFY: I think this guy is a fake.


BUSYBODY: I agree. Let's tie him up and call the cops.


CLUELES: But wait. I am the police. Here I will show you my ID? (Looks for wallet)


BUFFY: Well?


CLUELES: I seem to have lost my wallet.


BUSYBODY: Tie him up.


GOLDY: I'll tie him. I'm good at this. (Ties CLUELES to a chair with his scarves)


BUSYBODY: I'll go call the police.


COUNTESS: And I will try to call my husband to see what is going on.


BUFFY: And I must call my hairdresser to see if I can change my appointment to tomorrow.


GOLDY: And I'll go too. Just for fun. (They all exit) Bye-bye my little imposter. Don't go anywhere.


CLUELES: This is a most unexpected development. Could everyone look around for my wallet? It has my INTERPOO ID badge and two tickets to {name of upcoming show}.


REDHEART: (Enters) Oh, good. You're alone. I must talk to you.


CLUELES: Sure, why not. I don't seem to be going anywhere.


REDHEART: I think someone is about to commit a murder.


CLUELES: Who? Tell me.


REDHEART: I can't say.


CLUELES: Can't say because you don't want to or because you don't know?


REDHEART: One of those. But I can tell you is going to be killed.








REDHEART: First, it was the Count. He was to be killed just like the others. But now it's you.




REDHEART: Because you've ruined everything. The mining deal, the money They want revenge.


CLUELES: Then you must let me go before they come for me.


REDHEART: (WENDY enters with tray of appetizers and she stops talking) I better go.


CLUELES: No, wait. (REDHEART exits)


WENDY: (Holds out tray to CLUELES) Would you like to try an appetizer? No one seems to want one. I tried giving one to Goldy, Busybody, and Buffy. But they all said no. Goldy was so sweet though. He said you might want one. They look very good.


CLUELES: No, thanks. I'm a little tied up at the moment.


WENDY: But they were made just for you.


CLUELES: They were? Then I definitely don't want them.


WENDY: Do you mind if I have one then?


CLUELES: Go right ahead.


WENDY: (Takes one and eats) Hmmm. This is very good. (Starts choking)


CLUELES: Are you okay?


WENDY: (Makes a gurgling sound)


CLUELES: Poison! Poison in the appetizers! (To WENDY) Tell me who gave you the appetizers! Tell me!


WENDY: It was, it was, (She dies)


CLUELES: A murder!


GOLDY: (Enters) Oh, Mr. Imposter. I wanted to see if you (Sees dead WENDY and screams)


BUSYBODY: (Rushes in with BUFFY and REDHEART) What's going on in here? (Sees WENDY) What's this? Sleeping on the job! You're fired. (REDHEART kneels next to WENDY and checks for a pulse)


(Someone picks up plate of appetizers. [everyone will have a turn with the plate except the killer])


REDHEART: You can't fire her.


BUSYBODY: Why not?


REDHEART: Because she's dead.


(Someone else gets the plate)


BUFFY: (Points to CLUELES') You were the only one in here with her. You murderer!


CLUELES: I'm tied up. How could I kill her?


GOLDY: Oh, dear. She's going leave a terrible stain on the floor. Red doesn't go at all in here.


BUFFY: Is she bleeding?


GOLDY: Thank goodness no. (Squeals in fright)


BUFFY: What's wrong?


GOLDY: Her shoes don't go at all with her outfit.


(Someone else gets the plate)


BUSYBODY: Don't worry folks. We'll get this all taken care of and you can get on with your dinner.


REDHEART: How did this happen?


CLUELES': It was poison. In the appetizers.


(Whoever has the plate puts it on a table)


BUFFY: Look, he's admitting he did it.


REDHEART: Buffy, get real. He couldn't have done it. He was here all this time.


CLUELES: Please, I'm a detective. Let me go and I'll find out who did this.


REDHEART: I'm untying him.


BUFFY: Don't you dare.


BUSYBODY: I agree with Buffy. We don't even know if he's who he says he is.


GOLDY: (Tries to tie CLUELES, again) Back on with the scarves.


COUNTESS: (Enters) Let him go. I finally reached my husband and the detective is who he says it is.


CLUELES: Free at last. (REDHEART finishes untying him)


COUNTESS: My husband is most sorry for this. I can't believe he didn't even tell me, his own wife, what his plan was.


CLUELES: Now that I am free, I can get back to the business of solving this murder. I intend to put the person responsible behind bars before the real Count arrives.


BUFFY: So the real Count is coming?


GOLDY: With the money?


COUNTESS: I advised him against it, but he insists on going through with this crazy deal of yours.


REDHEART: Even though it's a deal that could cost him his life?


CLUELES: This plate of appetizers is a clue. I will check it for fingerprints. (CLUELES puts on gloves gets the plate from the table) Let's remove the body to the back room. These folks still haven't eaten their dinner.


BUSYBODY: Once again, we are sorry. Enjoy your meal. I hope this didn't ruin your appetite.


(All except CLUELES, help take body out)


CLUELES: No one is to leave this building until we solve this mystery. Take the time to search the building for clues and bring them to me. The clues will be on display during your meal for you to investigate. Please everyone enjoy your dinner. If this upset you too much to eat, try not to think of it as a murder. Pretend you are at a mystery dinner theater and this is all pretend. That will make you feel better, no? Bon appetite.







Scene 4:

CLUES: Cast members will help audience find and display these clues during dinner

  • Spice bottle (label says BUFFY's appetizer spice)
  • Box brought by DEE newspaper packing inside the box (newspaper clippings about the suspects, for example, one about REDHEART been in jail for violent protest, and one about how someone tried to kill a contestant in Miss New Mexico pageant [pointing to Buffy])
  • Plate has everyone's fingerprints on it [killer didn't touch it in scene]
  • DEE has signature of person who ordered the package... (Signature of killer but unreadable audience would have to get all the suspects' signatures to match it)
  • Basically the killer is the one who signed for the package. The killer had ordered the spice with Buffy's name on it to frame her.




GRILL SUSPECTS: Suspects sit up in front of audience. Audience asks questions. Actors and director need to decide what suspects can reveal and not reveal. It's good to have each actor try to put the blame on another actor such as Buffy on Redheart.


BEFORE DESSERT: Audience members each make a guess on paper who they think the killer is. Each night is a different killer.


AFTER DESSERT: Reveal the Killer


CLUELES: (pulls out envelope) It was Colonel Mustard in the Ball Room with the Candlestick (smiles sheepishly) Ooops, wrong mystery. It was... [Killer name her]


KILLER CONFESSION (whoever CLUELES reveals four most likely suspects)


BUFFY: Desperate. Needed that money. Had to get it somehow. Killed all men for their money. Lure them to US and kill them. Had to kill Clueles to keep murders from being revealed.


GOLDY: Realized all a scam and wants revenge. Those appetizers were meant for all of everyone. Wanted to kill one by one first the detective, then the rest. Actually loved Buffy and killed all Buffy's husbands and admirers wanted to kill Clueles to keep murders from being revealed.


REDHEART: Killed all of the investors to stop the mine deal. Decided to kill Clueles to keep murders from being revealed.


COUNTESS: Kill husband before divorce to get his fortune and wanted to kill Clueles to keep plan from being revealed.



**VARIATION ON SHOW: Have each table assigned to different characters. They will cheer for their character and boo at other characters)


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