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Polly Wants a Cracker
by D. M. Larson
From the play "The Weird, Wild and Wonderful Days of School" ISBN-13: 978-1482739626
POLLY WANTS A CRACKER by D. M. Larson
SCENE 1
Two people are in a mall selling products. The man
named Carl is in a fat bird costume selling some kind of candy. The woman
named Polly is in an animal costume selling animal crackers. The bird man keeps
checking out the animal woman but not so bad that she doesn't seem to notice...
but eventually she does. She goes up to him.
Animal
I have to say... that costume is really cute.
BIRD
What? Uh... really?
ANIMAL
I love chunky birds... I just want to squeeze them.
She gets embarrassed and goes back to her animal cracker sale
table. He mumbles under his breath.
BIRD
You can squeeze me if you want.
She hears.
ANIMAL
What?
He is startled and turns away.
BIRD
Nothing.
She looks kind of sad and turns away. He decides to
talk to her some more.
BIRD
So what are you selling?
She is happy he is talking to her again.
ANIMAL
Animal crackers.
Bird
Oh, I love animal crackers.
ANIMAL
Want to buy some?
He tries to get to his wallet but can't because of the bird
costume.
BIRD
Yeah... oh crap, I don't think I can reach my wallet.
ANIMAL
I can help.
BIRD
If you reach in the opening in the back...
She reach in back and someone walks by and stops...
stares. She gets mad at the person who is staring at them.
ANIMAL
What?!
Person runs off.
BIRD
Got my wallet?
ANIMAL
Yup... so you're not fat?
He laughs.
BIRD
No... disappointed?
ANIMAL
No... I like fat birds, not fat guys.
BIRD
Good... because I'm not fat... not that you want to like
me... I'm not saying that you have to like me... I mean...
She closes his bird mouth over his face.
ANIMAL
You're cute.
She lets go. He is confused.
BIRD
Huh?
ANIMAL
Nothing. So you want one box or two... of animal crackers?
BIRD
How much money do I have in my wallet?
ANIMAL
A lot... you rich or something?
BIRD
You like rich guys?
ANIMAL
Not really.
BIRD
Then all that money is stolen.
ANIMAL
I don't like thieves either.
BIRD
Stolen but I recovered it from the thieves and I'm returning
it to the rightful owner.
ANIMAL
There you go! I knew you were a good simple honest... bird.
BIRD
Those crackers look good... wish I could eat some now.
These bird hands are a pain. I try to eat and the wing smacks me in the
face.
He demonstrates and she laughs.
ANIMAL
I can feed them to you.
He gets all embarrassed at her offer.
BIRD
Really? You mean with your hands... in my mouth.
ANIMAL
Sure, why not?
BIRD
Wow... well, uh... okay.
She feeds him. He gets a very funny look on his face.
ANIMAL
You okay?
BIRD
Uh... that was so nice... I mean good... yummy... I mean...
ANIMAL
What is with you?
BIRD
You're really nice.
ANIMAL
Oh... thank you. Here let me put your wallet back...
She puts it back and checks out his rear.
BIRD
So...
ANIMAL
Want another cracker?
BIRD
Sure!
She feeds him again and he flaps his wings happily.
ANIMAL
You like them?
BIRD
Yummy.
ANIMAL
I like to bite off their heads. Am I sick?
BIRD
That's funny actually.
ANIMAL
How are sales going?
BIRD
Good... only one box left to sell.
ANIMAL
I have tons... I guess I'll be by myself soon
She looks in sales box. Person comes back to buy the Bird's
last box. He hides his box.
BIRD
I'm out... beat it.
Person leaves annoyed.
ANIMAL
That's what I was afraid of. Tons left. I'll be here
forever. I think my costume is scaring people away. I wish I had a cute
birdie costume like you. I wanna squeeze you so bad.
BIRD
Go for it.
ANIMAL
Really?
BIRD
Squeeze away.
She rushes up and grabs him and gives him a huge hug.
She squeals in delight.
ANIMAL
That was... awesome!
Bird is in a happy daze.
BIRD
Yeah.
ANIMAL
Good birdie... here's a cracker... you really like it when I
feed you don't you?
BIRD
Yeah.
ANIMAL
So what you doing after work?
BIRD
Dinner maybe... you wanna come feed me some more?
ANIMAL
In your dreams...
BIRD
Yeah.
ANIMAL
Okay.
BIRD
What?
ANIMAL
I'll go to dinner with you.
BIRD
Really?
ANIMAL
I think you're cute.
BIRD
But you don't even know exactly what I look like... I look
like some guy who is getting barfed by a bird.
ANIMAL
I saw your driver's license picture...
BIRD
That's even worse. And you still like me? That picture
is terrible.
ANIMAL
Well, if you look better than that picture, we're in business.
BIRD
You're funny.
ANIMAL
I know.
BIRD
So if you sell the rest of those crackers, you can go to
dinner?
ANIMAL
Yes, but that might take forever.
BIRD
I think I'd like to buy some more crackers.
ANIMAL
How many more?
BIRD
All of them.
ANIMAL
You don't have to do that.
BIRD
I'm rich remember?
ANIMAL
I thought you stole that money.
BIRD
No, I'm a superhero who recovered the stolen cash.
ANIMAL
Oh, that's right. Birdman?
BIRD
When danger lurks, give them the bird!
ANIMAL
Nice... you need your own comic book.
BIRD
So how about it? Sell me those crackers?
ANIMAL
You're serious?
BIRD
I really want to take you to dinner.
ANIMAL
What we having? Crackers?
BIRD
Cheese and crackers?
ANIMAL
Crackers a la mode?
BIRD
Barbecued crackers?
ANIMAL
Baked crackers?
BIRD
You crack me up.
They walk out together happily.
THE END
This scene is from the play "The Weird, Wild and Wonderful Days of School" - buy a low cost PDF of the full play at Sellfy.com
When you purchase a PDF, you may make as many photocopies as needed (but please do NOT repost the text online in any way).
Purchasing a PDF of this script gives you the rights to use for:
Auditions
Classrooms
Workshops
Camps
If you use the script in a paid performance where admission is charged or in a competition, please pay the royalty:
https://sellfy.com/p/1MQC/
This royalty covers all performances that occur within one month's time.
IMPORTANT: Please be sure to get permission from your competition for the script before performing it.
Purchasing a PDF of this script gives you the rights to use for:
Auditions
Classrooms
Workshops
Camps
If you use the script in a paid performance where admission is charged or in a competition, please pay the royalty:
https://sellfy.com/p/1MQC/
This royalty covers all performances that occur within one month's time.
IMPORTANT: Please be sure to get permission from your competition for the script before performing it.
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