SOMEBODY FAMOUS
By D. M. Larson
Copyright (c) 2005
All Rights Reserved*
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Cast of Characters
(5w 2m)
DONNA – Prisoner who is a computer hacker with a plan to escape
MACY – Ditzy prisoner who loves jewelry and loves GUS
REGGIE – Wise-cracking prisoner who loves a good scam
GUS – Bumbling guard who likes MACY
MELINDA – Famous actress who is in jail for murder
CAPTAIN – Tough guard who bosses everyone around
12006 – Quiet prisoner who prefers to go by her number rather than name
Time and Place
A present day old theatre in New Mexico.
ACT 1
(Lights come up on an old theatre that has seen better days. The stage is littered with junk and debris. It looks as if a play had a closing night and everything was left to rot and never put away. Three women in yellow jumpers enter with cleaning supplies [MACY, DONNA, and 12006]. They are followed by two security guards [CAPTAIN and GUS].)
CAPTAIN
Welcome to your tour of duty, ladies.
DONNA
Wow, Captain. You know how to pick 'em.
MACY
What is this place anyway?
GUS
It's a theatre.
MACY
A theater? But where's the movie screen? And the popcorn.
GUS
I like popcorn.
CAPTAIN
It's not that kind of theatre you idiots. It's a play theatre.
MACY
Play theatre? Where they play what?
CAPTAIN
Oh, forget it.
DONNA
Don't worry, Captain. I'll explain it to her.
CAPTAIN
Don�t bother. Just get to work.
DONNA
So what are we supposed to do?
CAPTAIN
Clean the place.
DONNA
What for?
CAPTAIN
So Macy can play.
MACY
Really?
CAPTAIN
No! Now get to work.
(Heads off)
Watch em, Gus. Gotta take a pee.
GUS
Yes, sir. I got my eye on them.
(Follows CAPTAIN off)
CAPTAIN
(Off)
Get back in there.
GUS
(Re-enters)
Yes, sir, Captain.
MACY
What a grouch.
GUS
Sorry about that. He gets that way when he doesn't get his donuts.
MACY
What happened to his donuts?
GUS
I don't know. I bought him a couple like always and set them up in the front seat and after I loaded you all up they were gone.
DONNA
(Sees 12006 and REGGIE eating something)
Gee, wonder where they went.
GUS
(Sees 12006 with a mouthful)
What have you got in your mouth?
(12006 ignores him)
I'm talking to you prisoner.
(To MACY)
What's her name again?
MACY
We don't know.
GUS
You don't know? What do you call her?
DONNA
She likes to be called by her number.
GUS
You mean 12006?
DONNA
That's right.
GUS
That has to the stupidest
(Turns and 12006 is in his face)
thing I've ever said.
(12006 goes back to her cleaning)
Can't we call her 6 for short?
(12006 gives him a dirty look)
Guess not.
MACY
(Trying to be friendly to 12006)
How about 006? Just like James Bond.
(12006 gives her a really dirty look)
Actually I love the sound of 12006. Rolls right off the tounge. Just like Tiffany. I love that name.
(12006 rolls her eyes and goes back to cleaning)
GUS
Tiffany is a pretty name. Maybe I'll name my first daughter that.
MACY
(Pouty)
You having a baby with someone?
GUS
No. I'm not even dating now.
MACY
(Smiles)
Really?
GUS
I just haven't met the right lady yet I guess. Momma says some lady will see how special I am one day.
MACY
I think you're special, Gus.
DONNA
We all think you're special.
(12006 smiles at this)
MACY
Maybe the right lady is right before your eyes and you don�t even know.
GUS
(Looks at MACY longingly and she returns his gaze)
Maybe,
REGGIE
Wow, that was sweeter than those donuts.
DONNA
If you guys want to get a room, I'll keep an eye on things here.
GUS
(Gets all official)
I have no clue what you're talking about.
MACY
(Hurt)
You don't?
DONNA
I thought you guys were about to pick out china patterns.
REGGIE
I thought they were about to get busy!
(12006 smiles)
GUS
Back to work, or, or,
REGGIE
Or what?
GUS
I'll go get the captain.
MACY
Leave Gus alone. He's nice.
REGGIE
He'd like to be real nice to you.
(GUS is uneasy)
He's blushing. Ha! I guess they think we must be pretty lightweight if they send Gus to watch us.
DONNA
I know the three of us are. But how do you explain 12006?
MACY
What's she in for?
REGGIE
Come on. We're all innocent. You know that.
MACY
I wish I was innocent.
REGGIE
So what did you do?
MACY
Shoplifting.
REGGIE
Shoplifting. That's it?
DONNA
When you take a five finger discount on jewelry it's a bit more serious.
REGGIE
What did you steal?
DONNA
She got caught with enough jewelry to open her own store.
MACY
I'm sorry but I like pretty things.
REGGIE
So if I wave something shiny will you chase it?
MACY
(After a moment)
Maybe.
REGGIE
I had a cat like that once. Hey, is that where they get that word cat-burgler?
(MACY starts sweeping and cleaning with 12006)
DONNA
Don't know. I'd google it if they'd let us use the internet.
(Directs last part at GUS)
GUS
You're not allowed near anything like a computer.
DONNA
I can't even get near a phone.
REGGIE
Why not?
DONNA
I'm in for hacking.
REGGIE
Hacking?
DONNA
Computer hacking.
REGGIE
Why can't you get near a phone?
DONNA
I cost MCI a whole lot of money and they got the judge to do that. I think I'm the reason they went bankrupt a few years back.
GUS
More work and less talk.
REGGIE
Hey, my break ain't over yet.
GUS
You can't have a break until you start working.
REGGIE
(Pushes her broom a few times and then stops again)
How's that?
GUS
You want me to get the Captain?
REGGIE
I wouldn't if I was you. Remember last time you called him out of that adult bookstore down the street. He was pissed.
GUS
(Nervous)
He was, wasn't he?
MACY
Don�t worry, Gus. We'll work.
(MACY cleans as does DONNA)
DONNA
(While working)
So Reggie. What you in for?
(REGGIE ignores her and starts cleaning for the first time)
Sorry, what you falsely accused of?
REGGIE
They say I was passing around stolen check but I don't think they had enough evidence to convict.
DONNA
And what about 12006?
REGGIE
Who knows?
MACY
She's not in red so she didn't kill anybody!
(12006 gives MACY a dirty look)
REGGIE
yet.
(MACY moves and cleans closer to GUS)
MACY
So why are we cleaning this theatre?
GUS
Warden got this special funding for what he calls Drama Therapy from the state arts council.
REGGIE
Drama therapy? Where's the drama in this?
DONNA
Are we going to do anything besides clean this place?
GUS
Not that I know of. I saw two contracts. One with money for drama therapy and the other for cleaning up this theatre for the city.
DONNA
So the warden gets money from the arts council and then gets money again from the city. The city gets a cleaned up theatre and we supposedly get something out of it too.
REGGIE
Wait. I�ve heard of drama therapy and that's acting and stuff. This ain�t acting.
GUS
Sorry, that's all I know.
MACY
Maybe if we whistle why we work. Or sing,
(Dances and sings with her broom)
Chim-chimminy, chim-chimminy, chim, chim.
(MACY runs into 12006)
Or not.
REGGIE
So basically the warden is ripping off the state arts council.
GUS
Oh, he wouldn't do that.
MACY
Maybe he's got some kind of idea for us after we clean this up. Maybe we'll do a play.
REGGIE
I vote for Oh, Calcutta.
(12006 smiles at this idea)
DONNA
So where did the warden get this brilliant idea of his?
GUS
Well, the rumor,
(Looks around)
DONNA
It's okay, Gus. The captain's not that quick of a reader.
REGGIE
And the man enjoys his dirty novels very much.
GUS
I shouldn't be telling you guys nothing.
(GUS turns away and DONNA pushes MACY over to him)
MACY
Please, Gus. Could you maybe tell us a little what you heard?
GUS
Well, I'll tell you, Macy.
(Others pretend to work but are moving closer and closer to GUS)
MACY
So what'd you hear?
GUS
I heard that the warden is doing this to get a little media attention. See, we got a new inmate coming. Somebody famous.
MACY
Famous? Who?
GUS
Melinda Street.
REGGIE
Melinda Street!
GUS
I shouldn't have said anything.
REGGIE
She's like uber-famous.
GUS
Please don't tell anyone I told you.
REGGIE
And what do I get for keeping my mouth shut?
GUS
(Looks around nervously)
What do you want?
REGGIE
You know that Mickey D's around the corner?
GUS
Oh, no.
REGGIE
(Sings or raps)
I want two all meat patties special dressing if you please with an extra large fry on the side.
DONNA
I'm not sure that's how that jingle goes.
REGGIE
Whatever, you get the idea.
GUS
I can't leave you all alone. If the captain found out�
MACY
Don't worry, Gus. We won't go anywhere. We're yellow shirts. We're not dangerous.
GUS
Fine. I'm going.
(GUS exits and REGGIE shouts after him)
REGGIE
And I want diet Cola. I'm trying to watch my figure.
MACY
He's so sweet.
REGGIE
And he's got it for you bad. He'd do anything you asked him. We've got such a sweet deal on this job. Today burgers. Tomorrow pizza.
MACY
Please don't ask him to do too much. I don't want him to get fired.
REGGIE
Fine, we'll order out for Chinese then.
DONNA
Melinda Street. She's coming here? Didn't she win an academy award?
MACY
Two. For The Guns of Lincoln County and The English Patient's Woman.!
(MACY�s voice gets so excited it's almost a scream)
I'm like her biggest fan.
REGGIE
Just don't go all Kathy Bates on us, okay?
DONNA
I wonder what she's in for?
REGGIE
Here comes Gus. Maybe he can tell us.
(GUS rushes back in)
REGGIE
Where's my burger?
GUS
I nearly ran into the Captain. He's coming.
REGGIE
I guess we'll just have to tell him about what you said about Ms. Street then.
GUS
Please don't. Macy? Please.
MACY
Come on, Reggie. Gus tried to get your burger.
DONNA
Hey, what if he tells us what she's in for? I'm dying to know.
REGGIE
Okay, fine. Spill it, Gus.
GUS
If I tell you then you won't say anything to the Captain.
REGGIE
Cross my heart and hope you die.
MACY
Thanks, Reggie. Okay, Gussy. Please tell us.
GUS
Fine. She's a red shirt. She's in for murder.
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