Cast of Characters
LUKE: Luke Stafford - running a private school
PEG: Peggy Stafford - sister of Luke
PLUM: Paul Plum - plumber
POKE: Mable Poke - patron and sustainer of school
Time and Place
A modern day small private school
Scene from A Little Private Education: "Paul Plum Plumbing" comedy stage play script - scene for 2 males
(LIGHTS come up on a very messy room. Only a tornado could have done such damage although, children are responsible for the destruction. LUKE is buried center stage)
(In a broken, tired voice)
"Conjunction junction. What's your function? Workin' on sentences, phrases, and clauses..."
(Feels a draft. Looks at rear of pants)
How did I rip a hole there?
Look at this place. This isn't Kansas anymore, Toto.
(Falls onto couch defeated. Knock at the door)
Maybe they've come back. Could they have forgotten to break something?
The plumber with the pee.
Gee, I’ve never heard that one. Is this Peter Poke Private School?
I don't know anymore. It could be.
Oh, don't I wish. That would be a dream come true. Then I would be dead and I wouldn't have to CLEAN THIS MESS UP!
I still have to charge you for the emergency call.
Then come on in. Share the misery. And share the wealth.
What happened to this place? A tornado hit?
I'm only a plumber you know. I'm not a maid.
I suppose that makes me the maid then.
I thought you said you were the maid.
Today was science day. We were doing experiments and some of my students decided to find out how many paper clips it takes to plug a toilet.
I didn't know about it. They took turns in there. I thought they were doing what people normally do in bathrooms.
Did you start to wonder after they were in there awhile?
Look. Are you going to fix it or not?
Hey, you're paying me the emergency service rate. I'm staying.
(LUKE cleans up during the rest of the scene)
I had to do the emergency rate. Nobody could come for a week otherwise.
Besides, my horoscope said during a crisis I will find romance. I thought this might be it.
Sorry, I'm not interested.
Got any cute babes around here?
None over eighteen. Sorry.
I sure hope some other crisis comes up then. I need a date.
Who knows maybe you'll find a beautiful woman clogging my toilet? That would make a great TV movie. They could call it Romancing the Toilet. Or Gone with the Flush. Or While You Were Flushing.
The throne. The porcelain god.
The toilet. I'm a little slow today. Sorry. It's right through there. Enjoy.
So this is a school, huh?
No, actually it's a nuclear test site. Couldn't you tell?
You definitely sound like you've had a hard day. You seem a little touchy.
Look at this place. The kids destroyed it. A whole summer of research and idealism down the drain.
Don't you mean, down the toilet?
Aren't you supposed to be doing something?
I'm paying you by the hour aren't I?
Hey, I'm in no hurry. You're my last job today.
Well, I am in a hurry! Get moving will you.
Fine. I was trying to be customer friendly.
I can find cheaper friends on a street corner.
I need to go downstairs to get my tools.
Why didn't you bring them up with you?
I wanted to make sure this was the right place.
Why can't teachers get paid by the hour?
Let's see Mr. Plum gets $50 an hour.
If I got that for eights hours of school, along with two hours of planning and correct papers a night. Another six hours each night for four parent teacher conferences. Along with science fairs, Christmas plays... $90,000. Not bad. Maybe we should let big business run education after all.
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