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Cast of Characters
LUKE: Luke Stafford - running a private school
PEG: Peggy Stafford - sister of Luke
PLUM: Paul Plum - plumber
POKE: Mable Poke - patron and sustainer of school
Time and Place
A modern day small private school
Scene from A Little Private Education: "Paul Plum Plumbing" comedy stage play script - scene for 2 males
(LIGHTS come up on a very messy room. Only a tornado could have done such damage although, children are responsible for the destruction. LUKE is buried center stage)
LUKE
(In a broken, tired voice)
"Conjunction junction. What's your function? Workin' on sentences, phrases, and clauses..."
(Climbs from rubble)
What happened?
(Feels a draft. Looks at rear of pants)
How did I rip a hole there?
(Looks around)
Look at this place. This isn't Kansas anymore, Toto.
(Stops)
Toto?
(Searches)
Toto, where are you?
LUKE (CONT.)
(Stops)
They took Toto.
(Falls onto couch defeated. Knock at the door)
I don't want any!
(Knock again)
Maybe they've come back. Could they have forgotten to break something?
(Answers door)
PLUM
Paul Plum Plumbing.
LUKE
The plumber with the pee.
PLUM
(Sarcastic)
Gee, I’ve never heard that one. Is this Peter Poke Private School?
LUKE
I don't know anymore. It could be.
(Looks around)
You know I think it is.
PLUM
Are you Peter Poke?
LUKE
Oh, don't I wish. That would be a dream come true. Then I would be dead and I wouldn't have to CLEAN THIS MESS UP!
PLUM
Do you want me to go?
LUKE
I don't know. Do I?
PLUM
I still have to charge you for the emergency call.
LUKE
Then come on in. Share the misery. And share the wealth.
PLUM
What happened to this place? A tornado hit?
LUKE
Something like that.
PLUM
I'm only a plumber you know. I'm not a maid.
LUKE
I suppose that makes me the maid then.
PLUM
So you work here, huh?
LUKE
I'm the teacher.
PLUM
I thought you said you were the maid.
LUKE
I am. I do it all.
PLUM
So, what's the problem?
LUKE
Today was science day. We were doing experiments and some of my students decided to find out how many paper clips it takes to plug a toilet.
PLUM
And you let them?
LUKE
I didn't know about it. They took turns in there. I thought they were doing what people normally do in bathrooms.
PLUM
Did you start to wonder after they were in there awhile?
LUKE
Look. Are you going to fix it or not?
PLUM
Hey, you're paying me the emergency service rate. I'm staying.
(LUKE cleans up during the rest of the scene)
LUKE
I had to do the emergency rate. Nobody could come for a week otherwise.
PLUM
Besides, my horoscope said during a crisis I will find romance. I thought this might be it.
LUKE
Sorry, I'm not interested.
PLUM
I didn't mean you.
LUKE
Good. I hope not.
PLUM
Got any cute babes around here?
LUKE
None over eighteen. Sorry.
PLUM
I sure hope some other crisis comes up then. I need a date.
LUKE
Who knows maybe you'll find a beautiful woman clogging my toilet? That would make a great TV movie. They could call it Romancing the Toilet. Or Gone with the Flush. Or While You Were Flushing.
PLUM
So where's the John?
LUKE
The what?
PLUM
The throne. The porcelain god.
LUKE
(Realizes)
The toilet. I'm a little slow today. Sorry. It's right through there. Enjoy.
PLUM
So this is a school, huh?
LUKE
No, actually it's a nuclear test site. Couldn't you tell?
PLUM
You definitely sound like you've had a hard day. You seem a little touchy.
LUKE
Look at this place. The kids destroyed it. A whole summer of research and idealism down the drain.
PLUM
Don't you mean, down the toilet?
LUKE
Plumber humor, right?
PLUM
(Chuckling)
Yeah.
LUKE
Well, I don't like it.
PLUM
Sorry.
LUKE
Aren't you supposed to be doing something?
PLUM
I don't know. Am I?
LUKE
I'm paying you by the hour aren't I?
PLUM
Hey, I'm in no hurry. You're my last job today.
LUKE
Well, I am in a hurry! Get moving will you.
PLUM
Fine. I was trying to be customer friendly.
LUKE
I can find cheaper friends on a street corner.
PLUM
I need to go downstairs to get my tools.
LUKE
Why didn't you bring them up with you?
PLUM
I wanted to make sure this was the right place.
(Exits)
LUKE
Why can't teachers get paid by the hour?
(Gets a calculator)
Let's see Mr. Plum gets $50 an hour.
(Adds up)
If I got that for eights hours of school, along with two hours of planning and correct papers a night. Another six hours each night for four parent teacher conferences. Along with science fairs, Christmas plays... $90,000. Not bad. Maybe we should let big business run education after all.
You can purchase a PDF of the full play at Sellfy.com
When you purchase a PDF, you may make as many photocopies as needed (but please do NOT repost the text online in any way).
Purchasing a PDF of this script gives you the rights to use for:
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If you use the script in a paid performance where admission is charged or in a competition, please pay the royalty:
https://sellfy.com/p/1MQC/
This royalty covers all performances that occur within one month's time.
IMPORTANT: Please be sure to get permission from your competition for the script before performing it.
Or it is available on Amazon.com - ISBN-13: 978-1532853111:
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